What can i do?

  March 12th, 2010 by All used up

Ill make it short and to the point. I’ve had AIDs for 20 years. Most that time i have been fine, but the last 5 years have caught up with me. My husband of 15 years died of cancer with aids complications. My health has improved since starting the fowl, shitty feeling drugs they give you to prolong your life.  I have been so darned alone since my husband died. Ive tried dating, but i have to date someone that is also sick, and most those people i know, are worse off than i am, and have no hope for the future. I started seeing someone recently, whom i had a nice relationship with, if somewhat younger than myself. But, in the end, no one wants to be with you, if you have aids. But, in the end, it was, understandably, to scary a thing for him to want to deal with. I understand. I understood long ago my chances for a meaningful relationship were slim to none. But i have worked so long and hard, to be acceptable, and loving, yet, it always comes down to being completly alone. And when i am alone, i realize just how tired i am. Im thinking its just not worth it. I feel like poop everyday from my meds – sure – im alive, but i can’t work and play in the world like others.  So more than anything,…. i need loved, and that ain’t gonna happen. I really want to know how to leave, in hopefully as fast and painless as possible. Don’t reccomend religion or 12 step, i am far past talking it away. Im tired, and tired of my life.

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