Wondering

  March 24th, 2010 by driftwoodfish

        I started to think about committing suicide during my sophomore year of high school. At times I am glad I did not commit suicide and there are times I wished I had committed suicide.

        The plan to commit suicide ran through my head every night. I would lay on my bed and think it through. My plan was to become drunk then point my father’s gun to my head and pull the trigger. Since we lived on a lake I often thought about my body falling into the lake after shooting myself. I never attempted suicide, but I thought about it. I still think about commiting suicide.

        Not lately, but on rare occasions I do think about driving my car off the road, overdosing on sleeping pills, or dying from alcohol poisoning.Now I mainly wonder about why I am alive and if I should be alive. It seems my relatives and friends are better off without me. All of them seem to have their lives in order and I seem to be messing everything up. I fail in school ( I am working on my 3rd year of community college), and I cannot seem to find an employer who wants to hire me. I believe to be a bad influence on my younger cousins and my friends. I do feel that people do not like me that much or at all, including my relatives. I asked two of my friends about me, and they said that I do not look like an approachable person. I agree with them.

       A few years before my sophmore year of high school a fellow student read my palm just for fun. The student predicted that I would die resulting from a gun shot at the age of 50. I do not belive this would really happen. I have thought about it. Back then I thought the gun shot would come from someone else, either on purpose or an accident. Now I wonder, if this prediction could actually happen, would the person holding the gun be me?

       I am not sure why I started thinking about suicide. I have thought of plenty of possibilities, changing schools, moving, living far away from my friends, my relatives/family, and my personality. I do not know what the future holds. If someone were to ask me where I would be in 10 years; I would tell them, I see nothing. I am lazy. Sometimes I think that i would rather die than deal with my future. Also, my relatives, friends, and the whole world would be better off without me.

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