April 12th, 2010 by stained_with_sin

I continue to struggle with finding a desire to live. I’ve tried to many times. When i was 8 i tried to hang myself, that was the first time i tried. it came and went as a grew up. When i was 15 i lost my virginity to my 21 year old boyfriend at the time. He told me that if you don’t put out older boys won’t want to date you and that if i’m going to be with him i have to do older things. It was the worst minutes of my life. he was on top with all of his weight crushing me. i couldn’t breathe, i was bleeding, and the tears were flowing down the sides of my face. i got him to stop and i asked him to go home. We broke up soon after. My mom found the remains of the pregancy test i had taken. i haden’t gotten my period for two months (due to stress). Word went around and my friend’s mother went to my mother at work and told her all sorts of nasty things. I remeber my mom picking me up half way through school that day and getting into the passager seat of the van. she told me she is too discusted to look at me. and took me to the hospital to be tested for STD’s. She didn’t look at me for weeks. she told her friends and the whole family. I couldn’t take it. i felt worthless, used up, and i hated myself more than you can possibly imagine. I broke a light bulb and slit open my arms. i layed on my pink carpet and watched my beautiful red blood gush out. I wanted this more than anything. i passed out and woke up in the morning. The bleeding stopped and all the damage it did was make me pale and weak. a few days later i went to take a bath with my shattered light bulb. while the water was running my mother came into the washroom and told me she wrote a list on the table of the things she wants me to clean while she was at a meeting. She saw my bare arms and she sat down in the washroom and watched me cry. we said nothing. her only words were “I hope it doesn’t scare…those kind of scares look trashy” Years past, some weeks i would go into a depression and cut up my legs, hips, arms, stomache. I never had good self esteem my older sister made sure i grew up hating myself. When i was 16 i met this boy. we were in love, real, pure, sweet love. We stuck together for a year. It was the best year of my life. he gave me everything my parents never did. attention, love, patients, and support. We were the happiest couple in the world. i couldn’t imagine myself without him. We never spent more than 9 hours apart. We were engaged. and life was right. Then for the first time in a year he ditched me on a weekend to go to a rave with the boy who took my virginity. things feel apart and the next weekend he went to a strip joint…followed by a WHORE house….with the boy who took my V-card. I was crushed. i tried to kill myself again..and I was in a terrible place for a long time. it has been 8 months since that last time i tried to kill myself. and since yesterday i’ve been decideding on how i’m going to do it and succeed. I hate my mother, When i trace back my problems she’s the cause. She always forgot about me….and she continues to do so. she’s visiting me this weekend…and thats what has got me like this again. if i can stay away from her i am happy.

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