April 15th, 2010 by RedWine93

I thought that everything will be good for me, but they had to destroy it. Why do I have to come up again after they push me down? Why? I´m so tired of fighting the fight I will never winn. Maybe my lifes goal is to suffer every day life. Who knows? Maybe life is not for me, maybe my goal is to become just a memory of a girl who had a bright future ahead. The people i trust don´t even care about me.
I try to be a happy person infront of the people who push me down ,but I am so tired of faking to be happy. Maybe when I was a child I was happy because I believed that people care about me and would always keep me safe and help me rise after I fall, but now I see that I am all alone in the world. Even if people are around me.
I want to tell them I need them but they don´t even hear me. Why to I even try? There is no reason to fight anymore but i am too fucking weak to do anything about it, to stop the pain. I fall and I come up again just to be pushed down again, maybe i have been pushed down just more than i can take. People see me as the smart girl but if i am smart why to i want to die, leave everything behind me.
I have always been bullied and mmade fun of. Even before I went to first grade there were two girls that mentally and physically abused me. Mom told me that when i was younger i was the perfect child, never did anything wrong, but that was because i was afraid of people because i knew that they will hurt me a lot. And now i see i was right. I am so tired of it all, but i can´t give up because my mother would blame herself for it but it is not her fault. It´s mine and only mine and nobody will ever change it. I don´t want her to suffer because of me. I feel like i can´t give up but in the same time i don´t have the strenght to fight anymore. I don´t know what to do anymore, some days i feel i could to anything but the next day i feel worthless and alone. People see that i am suffering but they don´t even try to help me. I always help people around me but if i need help they all disappear and don´t even care what happens to me.

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