I thought that everything will be good for me, but they had to destroy it. Why do I have to come up again after they push me down? Why? I´m so tired of fighting the fight I will never winn. Maybe my lifes goal is to suffer every day life. Who knows? Maybe life is not for me, maybe my goal is to become just a memory of a girl who had a bright future ahead. The people i trust don´t even care about me.
I try to be a happy person infront of the people who push me down ,but I am so tired of faking to be happy. Maybe when I was a child I was happy because I believed that people care about me and would always keep me safe and help me rise after I fall, but now I see that I am all alone in the world. Even if people are around me.
I want to tell them I need them but they don´t even hear me. Why to I even try? There is no reason to fight anymore but i am too fucking weak to do anything about it, to stop the pain. I fall and I come up again just to be pushed down again, maybe i have been pushed down just more than i can take. People see me as the smart girl but if i am smart why to i want to die, leave everything behind me.
I have always been bullied and mmade fun of. Even before I went to first grade there were two girls that mentally and physically abused me. Mom told me that when i was younger i was the perfect child, never did anything wrong, but that was because i was afraid of people because i knew that they will hurt me a lot. And now i see i was right. I am so tired of it all, but i can´t give up because my mother would blame herself for it but it is not her fault. It´s mine and only mine and nobody will ever change it. I don´t want her to suffer because of me. I feel like i can´t give up but in the same time i don´t have the strenght to fight anymore. I don´t know what to do anymore, some days i feel i could to anything but the next day i feel worthless and alone. People see that i am suffering but they don´t even try to help me. I always help people around me but if i need help they all disappear and don´t even care what happens to me.
5 comments
sweetie… keep going. i know our situations were probably very different but you sound a lot like myself 10 years ago. i wanted out so badly…. but please remember that “out” doesn’t have to be dead. you can get out – you can get past the assholes, you’re stonger, smarter, and better than them. I had to deal with an oblivious mother too, who didn’t ever seem to know how to help me or to care like I needed her to. believe it or not, she does love you and if you think she’d blame herself – then she must care about you and that being said, even if she doesn’t know how to help you, she’ll help you find someone who can. or at least listen. keep going, hon. i swear that things get better. the world is soooo big and there is a lot out there yet to experience. trust.
because of her i am still a live, but i have lost the strenght to move and dream on. I have nothing to live for anymore. Only pain.
Tere!
brightwhitenoise is right. And I know (I bet, you too) that what you “believe” now is dependant on how you feel. Put it in other way, if you are happy or a bit euphoric then it turns out you have a lot to live for.
I am so sure that if you could change your daily scenario and routine, like being abroad for a while, summer holidays or so, you would be a completely different girl.
Would it be possible that you can join as a volunteer to some summer camps working with people? There are even campings in Europe that would lodge you and feed you in exchange of work.
Ja ka:
Who is trying to push you down? Your class mates? We already talked about it, and it was clear that it was ridiculous to pay any attention to what kiddies with a runny nose tell you at school. It only means the problems they have with themselves. Truly fine people never insult or harm others. On the contrary, they often are found next to those in need.
Second thing you mention: ” I want to tell them I need them but they dont listen to me etc etc” Here:
a) now you have a special perception of your surroundings, you are feeling very vulnerable and weak and dependant, but this is related to the sadness or distress. It does not mean that it is a permanent state of being. I would say many people have felt like that some time in their lives. Myself included I felt like that, even at the age of 30!
b) It is not at all that they dont care or listen, you know that Eestlased ei ole niimoodi, (people from your country are not like that). The kind of neglecting parents that you describe are found in the UK, and in less proportion in the USA, but not in your country. I am sure that if anything happened to you, you would shock your mother for life and she would never recover. So, definitively she loves you.
c) Your fault??? How can you blame yourself? It is again your vision so biased to the wrong.
In all what we are seeing is that the bullies at school, the difficulty in passing the message to your mother or those who surround you is making you distressed and that makes you have a depressive vision on everything. However, your mood is easliy influentiable. A couple of lucky strikes and then you are fine. Then you get back to school, are annoyed by the bullies there and you go back to depression, but even so, you yourself know and see that it would not take much for things to change for you. You are not placed in an irretrievable situation, and that should make a difference.
Avoid those who degrade you, ignore them. Aim you eyes at more interesting things, or even from the Internet, locate volunteer groups as I said, join them get in touch with them. That will unlink you out of your routine.
Soojem,
Al
I can´t avoid them because they are the only people i know. The only people that speak to me. I have no friends.
Last summer i was really depressed and my father came home drunk, he couldn´t even walk straight, at that moment i sreamed at him that i am going to kill myself and i really ment it, he didn´t say anything. He looked like he hadn´t heard me. I took a knife and went to the garden and a trid to inury my arms but i couldn´t because i was afraid of the blood and so i cried and i cried. The next time he came home drunk i was mad as hell at him but he told me and my mom that if we don´t stop nagging at him because he drinks he will kill himself and that hurt me a lot. More than i can express, he thought that i was kidding and he used that against me. I told my mom that i need help, that i hate the person i have become. That most of all i want to hurt my brother and sister who don´t even talk to me anymore, my father that doesn´t care about me. That i am angry over everything and everyone. Told her that i am going to tell my brother that i am depressed and need help and she told me that i have to keep quit of it.
I am depressed and i don´t see any point in living and she tells me that i need to keep quit. Great parents.
Last night i told my brother that i think i am depressed and i need to go see a shrink because i feel like i can´t live on with felling so empty and angry. And the thing that hurt me and me cry was that he thought that somebody had told me that. That i am depressed. From last summer he had seen me cry and being angry over everything and everyone, and snapping at people every moment. And he thought that somebody had told me that. I am not that good of an actress and he didn´t even see what i was going through every day. That i was alone and sad, that i sream at people over nothing.
And i am telling them it because i can´t stop think of ways to kill myself and i don´t want to die. And i feel like if i don´t get help soon i have no way to stop myself from no doing it. I know that it is not the solution, i know every reason not to do it but my mind is driving me to it.
And i can blame only myself, because my sister and brothers have nothing wrong with them, only me. I am the crazy one in my family.
Hi again,
I’ve expressed my main thoughts towards you on your other post.
One thing that stood out to me in this post was: “..couldn’t because I was afraid of the blood so I cried and cried.”
I have a large fear of blood. I can’t stand the sight of it. I can’t stand the sound of the word. Apparently not all people can smell it. Just my luck – I can. I can’t stand the smell of it. Hell, I even have panic attacks when I’m around it.
So, I can pretty much say that I understand this aspect of your last summer.
You already have my email address. We can talk if you like. No pressure.
Take care,
Rebecca.