I don’t know where to start… There is so much to get off of my chest.
Well, in 7th grade I caught my dad looking at gay porn. He never knew it, and I never told anyone. Eventually my younger brother and sister walked in on him as well and then my mom found out and everything went from there. My dad came out as gay, my mom freaked out mentally and physically. (had to be hospitalized, all of this coming from a very religious family) My parents were youth pastors for heaven’s sake, and well as worships leaders at the church! My family disowned my father and I felt as though I was stuck in the middle. You see, my mom use to be very abusive, but only to my father and myself. My parents would fight over money and somehow it would get thrown back onto me. I could call my sister stupid for instigating me to do it, get slapped across the face by my mother and, pray that was the end of it. In most cases it never was. My parents would argue and once again according to my mother, the whole thing ends up being my fault. My dad was a truck driver, but whenever he actually was home, he was my protector, and I just feel as though its my turn to do the same for him. It was also in ways a comfort… I have always, I mean always felt feelings, and sexual attraction to men and women. When I was little I loved to play with nude barbies and pretend they were having sex, and such. I loved naked women, and was always fascinated by that, and still am. I have had one girl friend, and have had sex with many women, so I know it’s not just a phase, or whatever. Keep in mind, I felt this way since before I even knew what it was i was feeling. So knowing that I was not alone, felt amazing.
After all of this went down, my mom started seeing my uncle. (her sister’s ex husband now, not her brother. My uncle is of no relation now, except as my moms boyfriend, fucked up; I know) My brother and sister and my uncle’s two kids live all together now, and until just recently, my dad is now able to see my brother and sister. This whole thing started in 2004, I believe, and its just too much. I’m 19 now and I just wish things could be the way they use to be. I miss having my family together, regardless of the abuse from my mother, and it was horrible sometimes. There were times when she’d grab a knife or just start hitting me and I didn’t know if it was ever going to end. I’d say my sister was a big part of why my mom always hurt me since she always smiled and laughed when I got into trouble. The other part was me, and I know it. I always felt like an outcast and feel like that even more so now, so at least when I would get hit or screamed at ect… I was getting some sort of attention. I still think that way. I don’t know If i can function normally anymore.
I know as of now I’m screwed, I have a family of my own. I have a fiance and a four month old daughter and I cannot function to save my life. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, possibly bi-polar, and who knows what else in 2004 i believe. (when this all started) I have attempted suicide many different ways, at many different times and was never successful. I never even had to be taken to the hospital. I just went to sleep and woke up a couple hours later. I can’t even do that right. I’m hopeless. I live with my daughter and fiance at his parents house cuz we were kicked out by my mother, of course. And while I was pregnant might i add. I can’t stand it here. Im grateful to have a place to live but living out of one bed room, and a small nursery, just doesnt work. My fiance is 24 and was diagnosed a couple months ago with non-hodgkins lymphoma. (cancer of the lymphnodes) He has had three chemo sessions and three more to go. As of last night, neither of us could sleep because he kept waking up with back pain and body spasms. they said it was his neupogen shots (to boost his white blood cell count) hes have reactions and neither of us are working because he can’t and theres no way he can watch our 4 month old by himself. I have to help him walk and shower at times cuz its so harsh on his bone marrow! We have food stamps and 200 dollars every two weeks coming in. we’re use to way above that! It’s terrible. I don’t know how we’re gonna make it. I just want our own place. I want to be a real family. I want him to be well again. I can’t do this much more. We were at the hospital with shawn, (he’s been hospitalized two or three times since being diagnosed for about a week each time) his step mother has the nerve to say, (we’ll say “sally”, our daughter) “Sally is your strength. You need to be okay and get better for her. She needs you.” and my fiance says and so does melynda. (me) and his mother says, “yeah but even more so, your daughter needs you. you need to be better for her.” You could tell by how she said it, there was this coldness towards me about the whole thing. It’s terrible here. They dont listen to us in regards to our daughter. Its little stupid things. They, especially his dad, twist our words around and remind me of my mother. I can’t stand it. I hate it. I hate it here. Now he’s off work and is probably gonna lose his job cuz he has a bowel obstruction and may have diabetes. Great… They bother work for wellspan, which is an affiliate, if you will, of York Hospital. He goes, “i aint workin at no wal mart stocking shelves or fast food if i lose my job.” Nice. They’re so stupid. They buy soap from england by the boxes and books galore. They just bought potting soil and a billion flowers and veggies for a garden. its terrible! iphones, ect… and then they have the nerve to complain to us about money and how we may lose the house and how if not, we’ll lose sattelite, internet, phone, ect… yet they continue to buy shit they dont need. I dont know what to do anymore. I truly feel as though they are ruining my relationship with my fiance, and just pissing me off in general. I hate it here. I try to be grateful, but i’d rather die than deal with all of this bullshit. I have a psychologist that I see, but it doesnt help. she doesnt seem to think that the way i am feeling is as serious as it is. I really wanna die. I scream and my fiance and daughter. I feel as though i could kill them both at times. I just lose it sometimes and hit my fiance and say i hate him. throw my ring at him. I hate this life.
and I hate him because he makes me hate myself. He calls me beautiful and pretty and such. But i hate myself. Ever since i can remember i felt as though i was fat and ugly. of course it doesnt help when ur mom says u are and your sister says, “you dont have any friends. people only talk to you cuz they feel sorry for you. everyone hates you. your fat and stupid and ugly and should just die.” really nice huh? i dont think my fiance has ever cheated on me but he lies to me about the dumbest shit. he was looking at women on myspace and said to me “i just wanted to see if i knew anyone in the pictures” ARE U SERIOUS?? theyre blondes and theyre perfect. not to mention i found saved messages back and forth from the very same women. yeah, they were before him and i but he lied to me. he said they were ‘just friends’. a huh. he says, ‘i miss you and i know i dfont really know u but i wanna see you again’ xoxoxoxoxoxo. who does that. i find this out after im already pregnant with his daughter. he’s a liar and now i will never trust him. I guess when u ask God for something/someone, you gotta be really REALLY specific. I cant watch movies with nudity or sexual situations anymore cuz if feel so disgusting and terrible about myself. im ruined, and i dont know how to fix myself. i cant watch tv when it has attractive women, even some commercials. i just really do hate myself. I cant live this way. My fiance and i use to have the BEST relationship. I could watch whatever and not feel the least bit uncomfortable. I liked the way i looked before i got pregnant. I actually liked myself for once. I felt pretty, and attractive. I gained 45 pounds while pregnant. lost 25 right away and felt amazing. now i gain about 15 back and i weigh more than i ever did. I cant stand to even put on clothes. i wear maternity pants, unless i wear a sweat shirt, when i can wear regular pants cuz my fat wont show… and now that its just about summer, thats out of the question. i dont even want to get out of bed anymore. I need help. I have panic attacks and anxiety out the ass and i cant keep it under control anymore. I really need help.