when bad stuff happens

  April 19th, 2010 by Kathy.Castillo

when something bad happens,
i grab a bottle of pills,
twist it and turn it,
in my hands
round and around,

i listen
to the “drop the world”
because it is the same as my mood,
it expresses how i feel.
i turn the pills in my hand
and listen.

i think about suicide,
a lot,
i dont think that i am normal.
i think about suicide and death too much.
im scared.
but i want to do it- kill myself.

i think to myself.
what would u say if i told u,
that i had a death wish.
countless times- i wrote suicide notes,
and swallowed pills, not enough to kill me.
but enough to do some harm over a period of time.

if i told u i wanted to die-
would u ask my why i wanted to die?
would u wrap me around in a hug?
would u ask me if i wanted to hurt my family like that?
or would u not care?
everyday i have these conversations with myself.
the thought of suicide becomes to overwhelming to me.

one more incident could send me,
flying over the edge.
i dont want to die.
but sometimes it seems like the only option.

i know i need some help.
but im scared to talk with someone i know and trust,
and someone i dont.
i dont want to be judged,
because im already being judged everyday.

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