hmphhh..

well, i guess i’ve been doing better. i’m not sure. nothing has happened lately to make me sad, but when it does, i know ill be worse. i feel that im blocking my feelings at the moment, but i know im not happy. im stuck in between. i feel blank. but i hate feeling blank because it makes me feel confused. school stresses me out a lot. all these projects that i have to work on are not helping. i feel like ive lost myself… i feel boring. it sucks. im just living with the same old routine everyday… waking up at 5am, going to school, waiting for the school day to end, arriving at home, doing homework, having no time for myself, sometimes i fall asleep as soon as i get here. then i go to sleep at 11- the earliest. it all repeats over and over again. i feel frustrated with myself n my life. i just feel like breaking my head with the floor or window. i have anxiety and it is getting me angry with myself. and my friend does no help… she has to say “today is a crappy day” or she talks about stuff that irritates me… every day. i know it sounds mean, but she is not in depression, she just says that all the time bc she has nothing else to talk about and sometimes ruins my happy moments by saying comments like that, and when im actually sad or depressed, she doesn’t act like a friend… she thinks i want to be left alone just because that’s the way she feels when she is down. i told her, but aghh! and ive been acting so aloof lately, my sisters tell me to smile and be happy, i just ignore it… because i cant, it hurts, it makes me want to cry. and after reading what i wrote, i guess im not doing better, i let it all out.