I know I need help…

April 23rd, 2010by SoonEnough

Hi, I’m new to this site and this is my story…

I’m currently a high school senior and about to graduate… I got into a good college and I should be happy that all my hard work is almost finished but a single detail is missing; I won’t be graduating. I’m a decent student (I get A’s and B’s) and nothing should be a problem with school work but last year my mom past away, and well… It resulted into an F on my English class for junior year 2nd semester. I did not retake the course during summer school since my plan was to take my 2nd year foreign language class during summer school and retake the remedial class on a program my high school offers that lets you retake the course online. It was perfect because no one will know I’m retaking a course (not my friends or my family knows I failed a class). Sadly, this dream was broken because since I’m a senior and graduating, they wouldn’t offer my the online option and I would have to take the class 2nd semester this year.

Senior year came and all was well; until 2nd semester came. I had no 6th period first semester so I’d hang out with my friends who don’t have a 6th period either. When the new schedule was being passed out for 2nd semester, my 6th period was taken by that dreadful remedial course. I, barely keeping up a social status, decided for the worst; I skipped my 6th period and continue on with my life. I don’t know what was I thinking but I’m pretty sure my pride won’t let me enter that classroom. So, then again all was well, until the 1st grading period passed and my report card showed NG(no grade) for that  class. I guess reality suddenly hit me and I realized that I’m wasting my time, even though how much effort I put through all my AP classes, I still won’t graduate. Then the thought of being a high school dropout and being a bum in my family flashed through my mind. “How can I face my dad?; Even my older brother(not to be mean but he is a tad slow…) managed to finish high school how could I not?” I then imagined every little detail of what would happen to me if I don’t graduate. I won’t walk with my friends to the graduation ceremony, what face will I show to my family, How about my acceptance to UC Irvine?

Until 1 day I woke up asking myself what is my motivation to go to school… none. I started staying home (which was surprisingly easy to do since my dad is a single parent and always overworks) and it ended up 1 week straight that I skipped school. Fearing that my dad and me would get a ticket, I turn towards suicide. So far, my first and only attempt, I drank about 20-25 pills of extra strength Tylenol. Trust me, I wasn’t worth it but it did managed to do the trick. I spend the following week being checked up by doctors, puking, and having a high fever. It did have similar symptoms with hepatitis so I didn’t get caught. Well that was 2 weeks spent on avoiding school and had the excuse to back it up, I went back to school normally. Spring break passed and I started the habit again. As I am writing this right now, today is my official 2nd week off school again… I have missed so much that I’m starting to doubt to even catch up with the work load off my AP classes. I’ve also missed a couple of AP reviews already and I know the school is trying to contact my dad. If my dad even know I missed one day i’d rather die than face his wrath. Much worse is 2 weeks straight. I know this would really push me off the edge and end my life.

I know some part of me wanted to be alive(as I wound’t be trying to seek help) but facing the reality, I’d rather die than be a failure and a burden to my family. I assume in the long run it will be for the best. I’m only 17 yrs old, I know if I could go back in time I could’ve done much better. I know I have more potential than this. But then again, I’m just looking for a reason to live despite these prospects.

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