Hi, I’m new to this site and this is my story…
I’m currently a high school senior and about to graduate… I got into a good college and I should be happy that all my hard work is almost finished but a single detail is missing; I won’t be graduating. I’m a decent student (I get A’s and B’s) and nothing should be a problem with school work but last year my mom past away, and well… It resulted into an F on my English class for junior year 2nd semester. I did not retake the course during summer school since my plan was to take my 2nd year foreign language class during summer school and retake the remedial class on a program my high school offers that lets you retake the course online. It was perfect because no one will know I’m retaking a course (not my friends or my family knows I failed a class). Sadly, this dream was broken because since I’m a senior and graduating, they wouldn’t offer my the online option and I would have to take the class 2nd semester this year.
Senior year came and all was well; until 2nd semester came. I had no 6th period first semester so I’d hang out with my friends who don’t have a 6th period either. When the new schedule was being passed out for 2nd semester, my 6th period was taken by that dreadful remedial course. I, barely keeping up a social status, decided for the worst; I skipped my 6th period and continue on with my life. I don’t know what was I thinking but I’m pretty sure my pride won’t let me enter that classroom. So, then again all was well, until the 1st grading period passed and my report card showed NG(no grade) for that  class. I guess reality suddenly hit me and I realized that I’m wasting my time, even though how much effort I put through all my AP classes, I still won’t graduate. Then the thought of being a high school dropout and being a bum in my family flashed through my mind. “How can I face my dad?; Even my older brother(not to be mean but he is a tad slow…) managed to finish high school how could I not?” I then imagined every little detail of what would happen to me if I don’t graduate. I won’t walk with my friends to the graduation ceremony, what face will I show to my family, How about my acceptance to UC Irvine?
Until 1 day I woke up asking myself what is my motivation to go to school… none. I started staying home (which was surprisingly easy to do since my dad is a single parent and always overworks) and it ended up 1 week straight that I skipped school. Fearing that my dad and me would get a ticket, I turn towards suicide. So far, my first and only attempt, I drank about 20-25 pills of extra strength Tylenol. Trust me, I wasn’t worth it but it did managed to do the trick. I spend the following week being checked up by doctors, puking, and having a high fever. It did have similar symptoms with hepatitis so I didn’t get caught. Well that was 2 weeks spent on avoiding school and had the excuse to back it up, I went back to school normally. Spring break passed and I started the habit again. As I am writing this right now, today is my official 2nd week off school again… I have missed so much that I’m starting to doubt to even catch up with the work load off my AP classes. I’ve also missed a couple of AP reviews already and I know the school is trying to contact my dad. If my dad even know I missed one day i’d rather die than face his wrath. Much worse is 2 weeks straight. I know this would really push me off the edge and end my life.
I know some part of me wanted to be alive(as I wound’t be trying to seek help) but facing the reality, I’d rather die than be a failure and a burden to my family. I assume in the long run it will be for the best. I’m only 17 yrs old, I know if I could go back in time I could’ve done much better. I know I have more potential than this. But then again, I’m just looking for a reason to live despite these prospects.
3 comments
Wow. I am so sorry your mom passed away. That must have been so hard for you. When I read what you wrote, my heart breaks for you because what I hear is a young adult who wants to make it – but someone who has had a major loss but has not been allowed the time and space to grieve that loss.
I think you are right that a part of you wants to live. And I think you know you are not a failure. Failures don’t try as hard as you are trying.
One day sleep will come – no one can outrun it. So why rush it along? I think you have so much to contribute to others because of your loss. But first you need to go through the grief. Doing that may take some time and the ability to find space to do it. But after you process through it, I bet you would be able to complete your studies and go on to do more. Do you have anything you want to do with life? Have you thought about studying to be a therapist or even a grief counselor? Just some ideas. I hope they help a bit.
I feel your pain about your mama passing, my mama passed in 2008, and I don’t think I’ve really grieved because, well, how do I put this….my circumstances were different, I was taking care of her, I wasn’t working, I never finished college, my “daddy” violated more after mama was not around to protect me. I’m 37 yrs old. I still don’t know what I wanna be when I grow up. I’m estranged from my family. May I ask what you’re mama passed from and how old she was? I don’t know what I’m gonna do from one day to the next, cause I hadn’t planned on mama leaving before me… I overdosed in July 2006, on purpose, to get away from my daddy and my abusive boyfriend, I woke up in a coma. Then when I finally opened my eyes, mama was standing over me and I remember her tears falling on my face. Sometimes I wonder, did I cause her to go crazy? She supposedly died from Alzheimer’s/dementia…but enough about my issues, you seem to have struggled and kept going, and haven’t done sh–. I’m stuck. I’m not a burden on any of my family cause they don’t care if I’m alive, and we only live a few miles apart. I guess to the rest of the world I am a failure, but my mama and my Higher Power knows the truth, which will come out in the end. I would love to be a therapist, but I was in the entertainment business, yeah, stripping, for 8yrs, and I haven’t worked a real job in 15 yrs! So, I guess I’m a stereotypical deviant of society. And of course, if I know what you might be thinking the answer is yes, I stayed numb. I don’t know how I’m gonna sleep tonight, or how in the hell I’m gonna face tomorrow. I wanna tell you how much I admire and respect you for not wanting to let your family down. My family has failed me and my mama. And now, like I said earlier, my friend went to prison, and now I’m for sure on my own, and I’m scared. My story is so ugly, I can’t believe it was and is still happening to me. If your interested, let me know. I wanna help. I felt guilty when I read you lost your mother so young, I thought I’d been cheated. I can’t imagine living another 35 years without her. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry.
I am also 17 and in the exact same situation a yourself, except I must face my mother.
I started skipping science due to it’s intensity and now I have skipped 8 or so weeks in total worth of courses.
I know there’s no fixing it, however I don’t know why I can’t study seeing I am not motivated whatsoever.
I thought about the ultimate sacrifice bu it would only bring more sorrow.
I thought of moving out.
I thought of ignoring my mom and pretending nothing’s happening.
However you are graduating, but head to the school office and say Look I’m Depressed, yadayadayada then tell them how much you wish to graduate with your friends and how youcan’t seeing you NEED those online courses and that you will work to catch up on whatever you missed.
It might be too late for me, my semester is permafucked.
However, don’t repeat my mistake and just give up because you cannot enter that classroom. Just walk in there no matter what. No excuses. No missing that next course.
If not then fuck it , redo your courses, and graduate with the next year and if your friends ask invent some sort of superior reason like Advanced University Preparation Courses, which gave you an edge and intro to uni courses. 😉