I want to die at 15

  April 28th, 2010 by Shorty

I’m a guy and a loser. I don’t know where to start with my flaws. When people say to make a list of your good qualities I’m left hanging because I have virtually none. I am short, only 4′ 11″ hence the nickname. But it’s not that great in reality because no one takes me seriously in my high school and every other guy assumes they have authority over me. It’s not that I’m bullied at all but I know, I can see people laugh at me behind my back. I’m extremely ugly too. I never considered myself attractive, just average, until this year where I finally learned I am one disgusting piece of shit that will never get a girlfriend. It’s a common feeling shared by every girl I meet that I’m ugly, I can tell. Almost every person at my school is superficial, finding some flaw that’ll make you a permanent outcast. My grades are trash and I’m not going to get into a good college. I’m a financial and emotional toll on my family. I fuck up everything I try to do. I get feelings that death is imminent, that I’ll die soon even if it’s not by my own hand. I really am tired of life even though I’m only a teenager. I hate eating because I feel guilty that some kid in Africa is starving and really deserves this food more than me. You see other people my age dying in car accidents, from meningitis, etc. and they really deserved to live. They actually had futures and purposes and loved their lives. I ask myself why the people that want to die just can’t when these promising people were taken away. I’ve thought about how I will die; I will hang myself. I tied my belt around my neck just to see how it felt. It feels like your brain is being forced against your skull with the pressure. The one main reason I won’t do anything soon is my only friend. Her name is Katie. She puts up with a lot: she gets called ugly and disgusting by every guy in my school, she has a bad home life, she gets bullied and people are always mocking her and talking about her behind her back. But I think she’s really pretty and she is very smart and has something to be proud of. We quickly bonded as friends because we’re both outcasts and we can talk and get along like we’ve always known each other. I have a crush on her but she told me recently that she’s bisexual, so I’m never going to tell her and just try not to have those kinds of feelings anymore. Even if she was straight she would probably not be interested in that kind of relationship with me because of my looks. I asked her today if she would be upset if I suddenly transferred out of school (in place of “if I died over the weekend”) and she told me that she cared about me and would be sad because “I was her only friend.” I don’t want to break her heart and leave her lonely. I was seriously thinking of killing myself tonight. I guess I actually did touch one life in my own life but I’m not sure. Problem is that she’s moving cross-country in a couple months and I’m going to be left alone and miserable, We’ll keep in touch but it won’t be the same. I don’t want to go back to my old school for sophomore year but odds are my family’ll force me. I’m just really tired and stressed out right now.

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