Insanity

  April 19th, 2010 by Li

I…I don’t know. I’m a tomboy meaning I dress and look like a boy even though I’m actually a girl. I’m 13 almost turning 14 in May….I live in Canada. And I’m Chinese

Main things

-Born in China

-Encouraged to drink at the age of 3-5 and actually did drink alchol (by family members)

-Mom left me when I was 4, she went to Canada (I cried a lot)

-Arrived at Canada when I was 5

-I was abused by my dad and grandma….Everyone in my family knew I was being abused

-I “did it” with my cousin as a little kid and didn’t even know what I was doing……

-I was hated and parents were often out meaning I was alone and neglected

-Brother and Sister were abused with me but it was usually just me, rarely them….

-Protected brother and sister but was abused more by doing so

-Told to die and hated by Grandma

-Took care of bro and sis 24/7 (Bro was born in 2000, sis born in 2003)

-Did chores since I was 6 (I remember one time after dinner since I was slow at eating….I had to wash the dishes, even though they always give me the MOST food. So me a 6 year old stands on a stool washing her dish while trying to, while my cousins and brother and sister are outside playing and I see them out playing too cause I’m looking out a window that’s in front of the sink and even more WOW is that I’m not even the oldest out of brother and sister I am but with my cousins, I have 2 who are older than me but instead of calling them to do chores my grandma tells me to)

-Chores as in washing the dishes, helping my bro and sis take a shower, laundry, sweeping, vaccuming, cleaning, picking up after brother and sister, mopping (I didn’t always do all of that I only did 1 or 2 of these each day depending on how old I got but Laundry, I never stopped doing….Besides the bolded one’s the bolded one’s I did every single day)

In 2009 or 2008 mom and dad divorced near Christmas due to the fact of the abuse thing with my grandma and dad, my mom had just come back from China from a surgery and left the next day but I found she had bought running shoes for me and left them in my room when I woke up, my dad told me she was gone….

When I was in grade 7 I witnessed my Grandpa’s death on father’s day. He had a heart attack. I didn’t save him and call 911 right away, I’m not sure if he would have lived but I was afraid if I called 911 my aunt and grandma would yell at me again….I’m sorry I couldn’t save you grandpa…If I had more courage than I could have….

In grade 8 aka right now….my grandma would touch me….I know it sounds wrong and it is, but she would literally touch me……every morning until I woke up that’s what she would do

Currently….

in 2010 right now on april.19.2010

My dad moved back to China taking my bro and sis, I live in Canada with my aunt and her son’s  (in a basement filled with bugs, though I killed most bugs)

My uncle is in China and he works there though he visits 3 times each year, from this family (they knew about the abuse thing) My youngest cousin in grade 6, middle child in grade 12, oldest child in 2nd year of uni living by herself.

My cousins are rich but spoiled, they all think my grandma never did any of these things to me and just think I’m making things up. They were never abused by my grandma or yelled at because they’re rich.

My dad rented our house to someone else, my mom owes the bank like 14000 dollars since my dad killed it all (because before they shared the bank account and dad used up 14000 and now bank wants money back) My mom only earns 1000 per month and she didn’t get anything in the divorce my dad got EVERYTHING house, car, kids, etc so yeaa think about it

1000 per month, 500 per month for house rent, 200 for gas, 100 or more for food, not much left to pay back 14000 with but the bank wants the money back NOW and my mom is broke

I won’t be seeing my dad and bro and sis until 4 years when I start uni they come back to Canada for highschool or maybe in 2 years…depends when they get money back…

Dad lied and has a girlfriend he has a steady one and ditched bro and sis with mom’s mom, while he lives with his girlfriend (jack ass dad)

Grades have been slipping, my aunt yells at me for thinking my grandma is a evil demon and I told this to my french teacher but she told the school and the school told my aunt and she got pissed and yelled at me…Fricken brain washed dummies….Her mom (my grandma) hung her over a fricken WELL when she was little and she still thinks that her mom is sane? WTF? AS IF SHE’S NUT BALL!!!

I’m trying to not be a burden but I have to buy lunch and food and no one takes care of me as usual….And…I have graduation and I don’t know…

Questions you are probably wondering

Why am I tomboy?

Because my mom used to make me dress all girly when I was little and I hated being all girly and stuff, I wanted to be tough and strong, not whimpy! So I started dressing and looking like a boy

What worries me?

My brother and sister, no one takes care of them…..My mom…I told her to go back to China as soon as she can since being in Canada will do her no good. Will I ever escape this life?

How do I cope…

I ingore it, I force in my anger and seal it up, but when you really push my buttons with all the sealed anger your going to die, plus I don’t like to cry…Too whimpy even though it’s normal but still

It’s 5:42am in the morning and I’m not sleepy…I’m half insane and cut myself with a razor by accident and relize I like it……I want to die…..I don’t want to die, I dunno all these emotions are so mixed up and everywhere. I’m feeling everything at once and it’s just crazy.

I come to a decision…I want help, I’m insane and I need help. So someone…help? Please and Thank you

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