I’m a 15 year old girl. I have faced so many problems that no one, young or old, girl or boy, should ever have to face. I have tried several times to kill myself, but every time, something’s gone wrong. Whether someone caught and stopped me, or I just couldn’t find the will, I’ve managed to fail. I’m a useless wreck and I want out.
My dad’s an angry, violent alcoholic. No matter what I accomplish, it’s not enough. He hates me. I’m a well-behaved straight-A student. He’s disappointed. I’m slightly under average weight. He calls me fat. He almost killed me once. I kind of wish he had. Oh, and my mom just stands behind him in all of this.
My friends? I don’t have any. It seems everyone hates me, and to this day, I don’t know why. This town is so judgemental. I guess you have to be pretty, thin, bitchy, dumb, rich, and slutty to be accepted. Well, I don’t plan on changing. Just leaving this life for good.
I have two sisters. Both hate me. Both are prettier, thinner, better, well liked. One is an amazing athlete. The other is a genius, and musically and artistically talented. They always make fun of me, and everything they say is true. I am going to die alone, I am a waste of skin, I should just go and kill myself. No one would miss me.
The only thing that’s kept me here as of yet is music. My favourite band is Billy Talent. I listen to them every time I’m feeling suicidal (this is pretty much daily now), and it calms me. Most of the time. But the need to kill myself is getting stronger and stronger, and I want nothing more than freedom. Not even my music can change this.
If you could help me out, what’s the best way to go? There are no easy-access high buildings around, and guns are illegal in Canada. Should I use a knife? Where should I stab; heart, throat, etc? Should I hang myself? Maybe jump in front of a train? I hear the survival rates of that are much lower than cars, so I think I’d go for that. If you have a suggestion that’s quick and painless, I’d appreciate it. I think my best option is to starve myself, so far.
4 comments
It sounds like you have too much pain for a wonderful heart to hold. But you said something SO awesome just now: “Well, I don’t plan on changing. ”
That is beautiful! The reason it is so neat is because most people spend their entire lives suffering and trying to become someone they are not. They may go around looking all happy and such, but they are often just as miserable as people like us are. But they are too blind to see their own misery and they mask it with a fake smile or with other things.
You are so honest. The world is a much better place because you are here with your honesty.
Don’t listen to what other people say about you because if they are busy putting you down, they must have a ton of pain on the inside and they are too afraid of dealing with the pain head-on like you are. They are the wimps and loosers – not you.
One day, you will not be on Earth. That is just the fact of life. But why rush it just because some of them might like the idea? Why not stick around just to prove them wrong? You have a truth and beauty that they can never touch! Stay honest and feel your way through this. Yell and scream if you need to. Get mad or cry. But stand up for yourself and be proud of who you are – because you are NOT them. You are a blessing to this Earth.
omg, wut he said up there is so true, i went through school, and nobody liked me, my mom was an abusive alchoholic, and my dad wont have anything to do with me, my whole family abondoned me because they said i had to many problems, so i started smokin pot at the age of 11, then moved on to bigger drugs, and by age of 13 i used to pop pills and take a shot of alcohol to see if i would get lucky and od, and then one day my teacher told me i would never amount to anything, so i said fukk it, i went home got the gun put it to my head, and pulled the trigger, forgot the bullets, so since i had none or no way to get any, i sat there and cried, and drank myself to sleep, when i woke up the next day that teachers voice was ringing inside my head, i went to school looked her straight in the eye and told her, i will amount to wut ever i want to.
i have learned through this philosophy, I AM MY OWN PERSON, fukk the trends, fukk the preppy kids, the jocks the athletes, fukk them, i go to my own beat, i resort to my music for comfort, and i do wut ever i want to just to prove every one else wrong.
i recently went back to her, and showed her my straight a report card, her jaw dropped, and she said, im sorry for ever saying, and it was the best feeling in the world
Your best bet is to lock yourself in a room with a grill burning inside it while you sleep. Or you could hose a car exhaust to your room. Very high success rate, and you go in your sleep.
Your best bet is escape… but not suicide. You are in a situation that has clouded your vision… The sea is only blue, when the sky is blue. You are reflecting your surroundings and it sounds as though they are Grey right now but you can change them. You are the main character in your story and I can tell by the way that you write that you are more creative than to just end a story without giving it a plot.
There are good souls in the world who desperately want you to make it through this chapter. There are so many elements that shape us all (good and bad) and through your choices you will come out of this with a perspective that will make you the most beautiful of characters. What ever happens to you, however unjust, let it teach you exactly what you will not become as you grow. Believe in who you are now and what you can do. I know that it’s easy to feel powerless… To move out, to complain that someone is being unjust, to ask for help and every time you get knocked down, it gets harder to get back up… but that’s just what you do. Climb back upon your feet and be proud that nothing that anybody says or does will ever beat you and that when you leave the place that you are in now you will take all of that strength of character and meet people who truly care. I went through it all but I will never be violent!
Read, listen to music, stay away from people that might hurt you and trust people who seem as though they may care. Stay strong and believe in you. You will one day be a guiding light. Keep going.