its now my second time

i read all the comments i got they were helpful ( no im not going to say u don”t understand) i got two best friends who i recently told about my suicidal thoughts but not the cutting or why i have these thoughts because idk even know why but i do know why i feel like this. They look at me differently now and i cant take that if i get help and the people around me knows they will treat me differently and that’s hard when you like being by yourself. Im fine with most people treating me like im nothing because thats what i think of myself and im fine with them treating me like im something they have to be around because of my best friends. I as sick as it is im ok with that because thats all i think of myself. One time i though of running away to a lake or something and handcuff myself to the bottom until i drown but some how i wake up every morning hating myself thinking of ways to die and have to go to school and put a smile on my face as if everything is fine and coming home crying in my room of failure and the sicko i am for hating myself. Maybe someday i will get help or it might be to late i might just explored with keeping most things inside and a secret as for now until i convince myself that i can be that resilient person i will go like i always do smile on the outside but teared up on the inside.