I don’t feel like I belong. I never have. I can feel completely alone in a room FULL of people. Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong century. I have a decent job a wife and 3 kids that I love and adore. They’re the only reason that I keep trying. Maybe someday I will give up and just call it quits like my mother, father and step mother did. Some days I still have hope that my outlook on life will get better but those days are getting fewer and further between.
I can’t afford to see a counselor but I have spoke with doctors in the past and have tried medication. I feel like they think I’m making it up to get drugs but I’m not. I know others that medication did wonders for but for me it didn’t really do anything or just had a very limited effect.
I hate my job. There are so many things that I want to do but at my age with a wife and kids I don’t feel like I can start over right now. Spending 10 hours a day in a job that I hate really takes it’s toll. I really wish I had chosen a different career path when I was younger instead of trying to please my father and following his “wonderful” advice on life and finances. I feel like I should have stayed in the army and away from my family, mainly my father.
There are times when I just WANT to be alone. Being in social situations is exhausting. After a couple hours at a party or family function I can barely make my brain work.
Because of bad advice when I was young I never really figured out what I wanted to do “when I grew up”. I tried college after high school but I didn’t think I was ready for that yet so I joined the army. After 4 years of that I thought I would know what I wanted to do with my life but I didn’t. In order to make my father proud I convinced myself that I too wanted the degree I chose. It was fine for a few years but eventually it started to wear on me. Due to my fathers lousy financial advice I got myself into a position where I couldn’t afford to switch careers. I was finally able to get rid of that burden only to realize that I had to stay in this career to provide for my family and by the time my kids were grown it would be too late and I would have too little money to start something else.
That brings me here. I stumbled onto this site during a google search. Ha! At least I have somewhere to vent this…….frustration with life. I’m just biding my time until my kids are grown and I have taught them everything I can teach them. I’m in the process of setting up insurance policies to take care of my wife when I’m gone. When that’s all done I think it’ll be time to ‘check out’.
1 comment
Hey buddy… kudos for hanging in there. Sounds like you’re very depressed and unhappy. Feeling trapped, isolated and maybe even a bit angry at your father. I get it!! Life is friken tough sometimes, isn’t it?
Don’t feel bad about not being able to afford the things you want in life, that’s a situation so many of us share. NObody can afford therapy and they say clearly half of the people on meds are still depressed. Try to see the irony and humor in that!! There are so many sites you can talk to other depressed people online if you want to reach out. Like realmentalhealth.com or miserypit.com. Sometimes it helps to just talk about how you’re really feeling and share the pain. Being suicidal is brutal!