I’ve never belonged.

  April 30th, 2010 by jbm555

I don’t feel like I belong. I never have.  I can feel completely alone in a room FULL of people.  Sometimes I feel like I was born in the wrong century.  I have a decent job a wife and 3 kids that I love and adore.  They’re the only reason that I keep trying.  Maybe someday I will give up and just call it quits like my mother, father and step mother did.  Some days I still have hope that my outlook on life will get better but those days are getting fewer and further between.

I can’t afford to see a counselor but I have spoke with doctors in the past and have tried medication.  I feel like they think I’m making it up to get drugs but I’m not.  I know others that medication did wonders for but for me it didn’t really do anything or just had a very limited effect.

I hate my job.  There are so many things that I want to do but at my age with a wife and kids I don’t feel like I can start over right now.  Spending 10 hours a day in a job that I hate really takes it’s toll.  I really wish I had chosen a different career path when I was younger instead of trying to please my father and following his “wonderful” advice on life and finances.  I feel like I should have stayed in the army and away from my family, mainly my father.

There are times when I just WANT to be alone.  Being in social situations is exhausting.  After a couple hours at a party or family function I can barely make my brain work.

Because of bad advice when I was young I never really figured out what I wanted to do “when I grew up”.  I tried college after high school but I didn’t think I was ready for that yet so I joined the army.  After 4 years of that I thought I would know what I wanted to do with my life but I didn’t.  In order to make my father proud I convinced myself that I too wanted the degree I chose. It was fine for a few years but eventually it started to wear on me.  Due to my fathers lousy financial advice I got myself into a position where I couldn’t afford to switch careers.  I was finally able to get rid of that burden only to realize that I had to stay in this career to provide for my family and by the time my kids were grown it would be too late and I would have too little money to start something else.

That brings me here.  I stumbled onto this site during a google search.  Ha!  At least I have somewhere to vent this…….frustration with life.  I’m just biding my time until my kids are grown and I have taught them everything I can teach them.  I’m in the process of setting up insurance policies to take care of my wife when I’m gone.  When that’s all done I think it’ll be time to ‘check out’.

Processing your request, Please wait....