from the age of fourteen things took a radical downhill turn for me. My brother was abusive. i only realized when we learnt about abuse in school that the way he pushed me into walls and twisted my arms until i was writhing with pain, and stuffed pillows over my head until i had run out of air wasnt normal… that not all big brothers, the one i looked up to my whole childhood, beat up their sisters to the point that you would flinch when he even looked at you. my brother used to tell me i was fat, i was useless, i was never going to become anything and that nobody like me because it was impossible to like someone like me. i wanted and i still want his approval, his attention so much, he doesn’t hurt me anymore… he won’t even speak to me unless he’s shouting at me and telling me that i’ve caused all his problems.
my parents think there’s something strange about me. they talk about me at night. they say i’ll never make it in society and they compare me to their two other perfect children. i’m the odd one out, the middle child. the other two were the tanned, blue-eyed blonde athletic children that everyone adored for their beauty, and i was pale with black hair and brown eyes, always short for my age and never completely understood.
its been two years. i’m sixteen next week and i’ve attempted suicide three times. i’ve gone through cutting, i’ve been addicted to painkillers to ease the pain of not being understood, and at current i am anorexic.
sometimes i feel so alone, so lost that its not even hurting inside anymore. just a dull numbness.
i dont understand people, i dont feel they way they do and i cant help but feel that this pressure is not worth it. i dont want to have to worry about proving everyone wrong about me. i want to give up.
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6 comments
I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It sounds like your brother must also be in a world of pain to hurt you like that. Most people do not treat siblings that way. Have you ever asked him what was hurting him so much that he had to resort to hurting his own brother in order to make himself feal better?
I am glad you are not giving up because you you know too much about pain and there are others who also are in pain and think no one knows what they feel like inside. So maybe you could be a friend to them? Or you could write a book or even a fiction story about someone like you who goes through this but finds a reason to live? What would enjoying life look like to you and feel like?
BTW- I love the black hair / brown eye look 🙂
I can relate, my brother’s slammed my head into a metal bar, hit me, kicked me, even thrown me around. It’s tough, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this, but you’ll be grown soon and you can move out.
I’m appalled to hear how cruelly you’ve been treated. Please try to believe me when I tell you there’s nothing wrong with you; it is perfectly normal that you still love your brother and on some level, want his approval. Regardless of what his problems are, he has absolutely no right to abuse you. I can tell you from what I know–from research and from my own experience–that verbal abuse always accompanies physical; the abuser expresses his (or in some cases her) rage, whatever the cause, by attacking someone close to him. It’s almost always the person closest to him, someone who cannot fight back. That is what makes it so cruel and destructive.
I urge you to talk to someone about this, because there is help out there. I’m sure you’ve heard people say that suicide is not the answer, and that things will get better. But I know that hearing these things is not enough. You need help for your current situation. And yes, suicide is NOT the answer. I just came across this website that might be helpful (they have specific suggestions on how to get help):
http://kidshealth.org/teen/your_mind/families/family_abuse.html
It sounds like your parents don’t know what’s going on, or maybe they are in denial about it? I’m sure that this just adds to your feeling isolated. It sounds like they need to know what’s going on, but if you feel like you can’t talk to them, I urge you to talk to someone like a counselor (school counselors can help, though they are mandated to report physical abuse).
It’s very good that you are seeking help by sharing on this board. That shows that you want help and want an alternative to suicide–you are still very young and this is the worst time in your life to experience this. That’s why I urge you to talk to someone. I hope that you also feel comfortable posting here whenever you feel the need.
Please take care of yourself, and you will be in my thoughts.
Anorexic.I was that for a while. No fun but you feel you have to do it you don’t.I promise you.
CALL THE COPS AND MAKE A POLICE REPORT ****EVERY ***** TIME THEY TRY TO KILL YOU AND CAUSE YOU PAIN. It is against the law, even if they are your brothers, sisters, mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, etc. They are TRYING to KILL YOU………THAT is a CRIME, THAT is ILLEGAL and they need to be PLACED IN JAIL/PRISON. ******YOU NEED TO BE PROTECTED******You do NOT deserve that. You are a WONDERFUL person and that type of behavior is AGAINST THE LAW. PLEASE, call the POLICE, make a REPORT, and have them placed in JAIL/PRISON. There is something wrong with them on a mental level, they are sociopaths or physcopaths, and they are FUTURE KILLERS. I don’t want their first victim to be YOU. PLEASE place them where they are suppose to be. You are in my heart and my thoughts always. Jen 🙂
Sounds like you’re in a Nazi family. Burn a Star of David and you’ll fit right in with them. The methods you use to cope with pain are more for long-term. Not really suicidal.