I posted a few months ago when I was in my most depressed state. I tried to electrocute myself with a toaster but the cord didnt reach the bathtub, so I then tried hanging myself in the closet with a power strip but i ended up passing out and slipping out of the cord.
All of this over a breakup. Sounds ridiculous right? Well thats what I get for falling in love. Honestly right before the breakup it looked like marriage was our next step. It came out of nowhere, and maybe thats part of why i was so hurt.
When we first met neither of us had anything. both living with parents, neither had job, car or school. Then we built our lives around each other. We helped each other get everything we had ever wanted. She got a great job through a reference of mine, and she was so supportive of me when I got my license and started school. We got our first car together, and our first house. I wont go on, but I quickly fell in love with this person.
Well she broke up with me, and only later did I learn she was cheating on me with her crackhead ex who used to abuse her. I let her keep the apartment and most of my stuff because I knew it would help her. Now im homeless, barely scraping by. I am still in college, and the worst thing is, we work in the same office. I also have classes with her. She parades around new guys she is with and i cant do anything but bury my head and fake a headache.
So its been about 5 months since it all went to crap. I still find myself wanting to just die. I really cant see any other way around this. I love someone who used me and hates me. Coming to college and meeting her WAS my second chance at a good life. And now what? I dont trust people anymore, ive become a recluse and, well, I live in my car.
I dont believe in the afterlife or in a plan. If everything happens for a reason, what reason is there for taking everything away from me? I feel horrible everyday, and I miss the life we had so much. The obvious answer is to just get over it. I havent been able to and I dont feel as if im in control of myself anymore. I couldnt start over again if I had the will to, the charming, funny indvidual was is gone, and I just cannot seem to be myself again. Its like there is nothing here anymore, My identity is gone.
I dont mean to ramble, so the point is, I had access to a gun. a .357 to be exact, and I couldnt do it. Ive longed for a gun to make it easy for months, but I just couldnt manage to do it. The only thing stopping me was the thought of it hurting her. I doubt it would, but the possibility stopped me. So I feel as if im at a cross roads. But I dont know where to start. I go into emotional setbacks where I come close to doing it, but somehow Ive stayed alive. I took half a bottle of sleeping pills, and was vomiting foam and blood for hours. My body obviously has the will to live, I just need to find mine. Im not asking for an answer really, or even help. I just want to know that there is someone else in the world who understands what the hell is happening to me, because I dont.