My story

  April 23rd, 2010 by Gray635

Two years ago I fell in love. I know, being a teenager (13-14 at the time, I’m 16 now) no one believes you when you say you’re IN love. But I was, hell, I still am. I instantly fell in love with Her, no doubt about it. We were/are soul mates, of that I am convinced. I knew she cut, and cut bad. Scars all up and down her forearms, calfs, heels, feet, hands, shoulders, sides, stomach, and back. That upset me. I struggled through her pain. We knew absolutely everything about each other, and had no walls, no secrets. We were crazy about each other. We almost literally talked on the phone 24/7. We called each other at school, most of the time she stayed in the bathroom crying and throwing up (something she does when she’s upset). We stayed up all night talking, and eventually fell asleep on the phone. Woke up, and talked some more. I stopped eating, sleeping, socializing. From the time I got home from school until time for school the next morning I locked myself in my room, sat in the dark on the floor, and talked to her. Our relationship, though strong, was emotionally unhealthy.

Late at night, or early in the morning, 1 or 2, she would say “I’ll call you back, I have to shower.” So, three hours later, she’d call back. After this had happened a few times, I asked what she did, why she took so long. She always said “nothing.” Turns out, she was trying to kill herself. My world shattered. I began cutting, 12 times a day somedays. It was horrible. I didn’t even speak to anyone. A few weeks of this, and she realized how bad my heart ached. How it killed me to see her scars, or to wait to call me back when she was done “showering.” Finally she left.

She said that she couldn’t stand to see how she affected me, she said she caused me pain, so.. she just left. I can honestly say, I still love her now, just as much as I did then. I don’t feel anything for anyone at all. I don’t care for friends, I’m empty. I feel hollow. I don’t have emotions, only overwhelming pain. I hurt down to my very core… Emotions come from the heart, and she still has mine.

She left me numb. I eventually stopped cutting, and put on a fake smile. Recently, I’ve started going downhill again. The other day I attempted to end it all. I slashed my arm and took different kinds of pills, and cried until I passed out. Unfortunately, I woke up the next morning. My friend called me, and I confessed to taking the pills, her mother heard me and called the school I attend. During 6th period I was called to the counselor’s office, and met with two professionals. I was given a sort of oral test, and a bunch of papers were filled out. My mother was called in and was told that I should see a psychiatrist immediately. I was told that I’m “high lethality” or high risk of suicide. That’s my story up until today. We’re awaiting a call back from a doctor for an appointment. I’ll keep you posted.

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