Nobody knows me

  April 9th, 2010 by RedWine93

Hi,. I am sixteen and i am tired of trying to be somebody i haven´t been for a long time.
I am good student at school, i get good grades mostly, don´t blame teachers mostly when i get a bad grade. My classmates think that because of that i have nothing to be worried about but that isn´t true. I want to kill myself and i have wanted to do it for a long time. I have told some of my classmates about it but some of them tell me that there are people who are in worse condisions then i am and when the tell me that i just want to scream at them because they don´t know anything about me. When i was younger i thought that i have a loving family but i don´t. My father is a drunk, my mom doesn´t understand how much a want to die, i feel like my sister hates me, my oldest brother doesn´t talked to me much and when i ask money from him i have to explain why i need it and i hate explaining it, my older brother (am the youngest) is heading on the same road that my father is on, he is starting to become a drunk himself and it hurts me a lot because i have always felt like me and he are in the same spot, we both are suicidal in different forms. A i have the perfect life, yeah right. A made a decion at the start of this year, that i am going to kill myself on the day i get seventeen, but i hoped that fate would come and help me not to do it. I decided to apply for one of best schools i my country because i thought that when i get in to it i could forget my past, forget all the namecalling and the hurt i went to in my old school, I even decided to go and see a shrink who could help me dig myself out of this black hole i am in now. I am a smart girl but i am suicidal. A week ago I learned that I didn´t get in and i feel so empty because of it. I am to afraid to go and see a shrink because i am scared of what she might say to me. I feel like my dreams have been broken and i have no power to dream again. I feel like i have no way out anymore and it is driving me crazy. I don´t even know if i want to live or die anymore. I have nothing to fight for anymore. People around me don´t understand what i am going throw, some of my classmates make fun of me even when they know that all the say i take as the truth and every time the call me names i want to kill myself even more. Why don´t they see what they are putting me throw.

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