ready with no will

This morning i got up ready to kill myself because i had enough. I got my brother ready and waited until my father took him to the daycare. After they left i went straight to the expired pills i have for about two years now in my cabinet and got a glass of water. I decided at one point to mix three different kinds of expired pills then throw them into the water so it will become less hard when i take it and easy to swallow so i can just get it over with. I started to drink some, i was in the living room and though that my brother and father would find me before my mother does and my brother which is 1 year old will come and hit me to wake up, and i couldn’t put that pain on him he’s just one year old finding his 13 year old sister dead not waking up to play with him. So i decided to stop drinking and start thinking of people i know that can help me. Instead i dump the rest of the pills and water down the toilet and put the cup in a bag to throw it in a public trash can. Then i got ready for school, the whole way there my hand was shaking thinking of all the possible ways i can injure or kill myself . I guess i had no will yet as usual i put a smile on my face and pretended that i was happy which am really good at only one time today i really laughed at something the rest was just me laughing to sound happy.