I keep focusing on the past. It’s been 3 years since he raped me… at school. And 3 years since my whole school started calling me a slut. I started believing them. That boy, my “friend,” was the first one I had ever had any sexual relations with. A freshman in high school, I made a name for myself really fast. I was forced to suck his dick before I even had my first kiss.
I believed it after a while. My mom calling me a “FUCKING SLUT!” and the jokes, “Watch out for the volcano; she blows!” A year later, I gave my neighbor head. He had a girlfriend, and I refused to kiss him. And then I gave him head on about 4 other occasions. Then I hooked up with one of his friends. And then another one of my friends. I never kissed any of them, and I didnt enjoy it either. I had given head to 7 guys, and I hated all of them.
The first time was preventable, but all of the others weren’t. I have never been loved, and it made me feel wanted. I liked when guys thought I was hot.
I was burning and cutting myself. November of this year was when I first started considering suicide.
November 2nd, I took 12 ibuprofen. I didn’t have the guts to take more, I just was silently praying something would happen, someone would notice I needed help.
I was in the popular group at school, everyone knows who I am. They think I’m so happy. One day at lunch, my sleeve got pulled back and my best friend saw the cuts on the side of my wrist, “WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR ARM?!” everyone wanted to see. I told them I just got my period and rushed to the bathroom. I cried.
After school that day, my best friend called my dad. I went to see my therapist. I had went to her for a while because of the rape, but I didnt trust her. She only knew about the rape, I told her nothing about me being a slut with other guys, the guys I did things for, but I never let them touch me. They didn’t even act like it was weird.
I somehow got out of therapy. I started abusing more pills, taking them to get high, drinking, and not sleeping at all. I stopped eating at lunch, and quickly lost a lot of weight.
All I think about right now is ending it. I’m paranoid. And I don’t know how much more I can screw up. Everyday suicide has been crossing my mind. And it scares me, I really do want to feel cared about. I’m only 17 and I have so much more to do, but I don’t know if I want to.