I’ve never done this before, so please bear with me.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with me. I have a great life, I’m going to a great college, and I have a lot of wonderful friends. And yet…there’s something missing somehow, maybe it’s me.
All my life I’ve had a hard time with making friends, partly because my family moved every two years or so. But the truth is, I’m not an easy person to know. I’m not comfortable around strangers, and I never know what to say. What makes this worse is I have ADD, but I’m not hyperactive. I just can’t concentrate on anything, and often I zone out when other people are talking. Most of the time I just sit in a corner and listen to other people talk, and often I feel like no one really cares if I’m there or not. Sometimes I don’t feel real, more like a shadow-person.
 I took a personality test today, and the results shouldn’t have surprised me, but somehow they made me feel worse than ever. My scores for social skills were exceptionally low, almost at the bottom. I’m also highly disorganized, which is a pretty sucky combination with introversion. This really worries me because I have no idea what kind of job I can or even how long I could manage to hold one. This is one reason why I hate personality tests. I mean, do I really need a test to tell me everything bad about myself I already know?
 For the last 3 years now, I’ve had a crush on one particular guy who is also a good friend of mine. I’ve confided a lot in him about how I feel, things I haven’t told many people. When I started cutting myself a year ago, he was the only one who noticed and got help for me.
 But this last fall, he started dating someone else, another good friend of mine who hangs out in our group. Both of them have been appearing less and less, and I’m not even sure they care anymore. Most of my friends are dating now. Many are dating one another, while some are dating freshman girls. For some reason, that irks me more than anything else. Why were we not good enough? Do all men have to date someone younger? Even my last boyfriend is dating someone else right now.
 This just confirms my personal opinion, however. In spite of everything, I’m still an outcast. Everyone around me exists in pairs or groups, so they don’t really need me. I don’t have anyone I can talk to anymore, and I don’t even know how to begin.
6 comments
Your going to change many times through your life, you’ll change personalities, you’ll change friends, you’ll change cities, you’ll change jobs. Your going to be many different people, sometimes you’ll be the most popular person sometimes you won’t. My point is everything is always changing, life situations will continue to change. Life is a roller coaster of ups and downs. So don’t feel down on yourself or feel like theres nothing left in the world, your just in a rough patch, you’ll be back on top in no time. Every part of your life will server a specific purpose in helping you grow, I think now is a good time for you to learn how to be a strong individual and be happy on your own. Take up new hobbies, go do things you can do by yourself, learn to feel comfortable i your own skin with out having someone there to validate you. Be strong and happy on your own and people will see the trueness in your heart and will gravitate towards you. Above all else, never lose hope for tomorrow
About the personality test: Don’t worry. A personality test always gives you a simplified picture of yourself, and it is only a hazy snapshot of the present. As GraceFor2Brothers says, you’re going to change throughout your life. And also, you are way more complex (and interesting) than any test can ever show. But sorry, you probably sussed that out yourself.
I’m sorry to hear that you feel like you aren’t there. I really like your word for it though: “shadow-person” sounds kind of cool.
I know it is a tired old cliché, but one of the best things about feeling different is that it means you are special.
You may not be dating at the moment, and you may long for a partner, but it is pretty likely that you’ll come across someone who will find you exactly right the way you are, and who will love you for it. Whether it ends up being that guy you like or someone else, I’m pretty sure it’ll happen, given some time.
About the job/career-thingy, it’s only a job. It might be important, but a lot of people with crappy jobs live good lives. Thinking back to when I went to school, I hated it, and now I think of it as the best time of my life. Because it wasn’t really the lessons that ended up mattering, it was all the other stuff, the people, the experiences. I think a job can be similar. It can suck, but the colleagues might be fine.
I read a quote I really liked from some actor (think it was the one who played Alice (in Wonderland)) the other day: “What if your greatest weakness was also your greatest strength?”
I know it sounds a bit lame, but introversion and being disorganized might actually make you very good at some jobs. Think something creative maybe? I noticed that you write well, a lot of people on this site do, but you tell your story very well, make it interesting and easy to get in your head. So I liked your post. And I really hope the very best for you.
Best wishes,
Daniel
Ehh, dont go around saying, I am single, nobody wants to date me, because maybe half of the guys here (whether depressed or not) would be happy to date you (I include myself) at least for a first date to see what happens.
Well, so it very much sounds you are making your own assumptions and taking them for granted.
As per “I have ADD”, JJK, KKK, BBB and ETC I get a pain in the neck about it. For some weird reason, anglosaxons are always inventing stuff and putting it a name on initials, so as to make believe a finding. Then they put it everywhere, on bill boards and on ads on the bus. Do you know someone who does not pay attention while you talk? He might have ADD, if so, call us bla bla bla.
Then, all the laymen reading that casually will start thinking that they also have that ADD, (actually they like to believe they have KKK and ETC, so that they can explain and understand themselves)
That you score poor on a personality test? bullshit. That test might have been designed by a ******, for example, (and if he did not read as he was expecting for his own pleasure, then you score poorly) because when you wrote, you very well explained yourself and communicated to us.
You say you are not confortable among strangers, dont know what to say, etc. Of course, that is standard thing in young people, and you are still young, maybe around 22 or so. You are still a little girl, and need more years to develop a strong personality and also tough experiences so that you mature etc. That is how the personality is made.
The other point you mention:
everybody around me exists in pairs or groups.
Most of them are mediocre, their relationships are flawed with luck of trust and or commitment, often they cheat on one another, and groups are just a set of lonely individuals pretending to be surrounded by something interesting.
So, as you will grow older, you will see that more clearly. I think and so it sounds, that the blues that you are going through now, is strongly affecting your vision of facts and you are being anything by objective.
hugs
Al
When I read this post I felt like you were much younger than 22, because you mentioned freshman girls and then I think of college. I agree with justalvroa about being irked with the ADD ETC stuff. Sometimes people who have depression are diagnosed with ADD and are redirected for care that is not what they need. And this test you took, was it online? Or did you have a professional one done, or was it in school? He is right with the test being curved to reflect whatever the administrator wants to prove. Those tests should be taken with a grain of salt. Worrying too much about the results can change the way you think about yourself so much that you could believe you are destined for a sucky job when you could be capable of so much more. I hope you have really read what the three posts before mine said. And maybe taking a small step like volunteering with some organization can help you branch out of the circle. You may find something you are really good at, you will be meeting new people and working on social skills, and you may learn something!
Thank you everyone for all the comments. They really mean a lot to me.
justalvaro, you’re absolutely right about me assuming too much, especially about ADD. The only thing I can say in my own defense is that I didn’t just see it on an ad or a bus somewhere. I was diagnosed at the age of ten. I admit I am probably putting too much of the blame for my problems on outside forces, and part of me keeps saying to just suck it up and stop being so pathetic.
And you’re right about the personality test. It’s the NEO PI-R test, if that makes any difference. And after a little research of my own, I do feel better about it. Especially that the results can change as you grow up.
And thanks for the advice, neonhalo780. I’m planning to volunteer with a couple of local places.
We live in a strange world, that I might stumble across this some seven years hence. I’d say ‘it’s me’, but I get the feeling that might already be redundant.
You know, now, that I end up marrying that girl. It’s not the place to explain here, but know that the changes you saw reflected exclusively my needs, not anything about you.
I want to let you know I never meant to hurt your feelings- make you feel like I didn’t care anymore. I certainly hope what came to pass later made it clear I still did. It’s been a long time, but I still felt like it was important to say so.
If you see this some time and want to talk, say hi. You know how to reach me