April 23rd, 2010 by searching for hope

hi, im back. i knew i wasn’t fine. i knew the next time something simple would happen (like a little argument with my family)i would break down. i ma at the moment. i literally would be cutting if it weren’t that im trying to type up my feelings before i actually do something that i know will kill me. i see no reason to stay alive. no one cares. dont try saying that you care because ive heard it and it doesnt help. even if i know you truly care. anyone has the ability to bring me down. i fel sick, emotionally sick. i dont need life. i rather bee free, in a beautiful place called heaven. i fear it. i fear that i am going to achieve suicide, its been too many times. and ive had it with my life. i love helping yall out. but no one can help me. im dead already, ive lost myself. i try to find myself, but i just cant. its all a fake smile and happiness. do i even know how happiness feels any longer? im alone i have no one that is trying to help me. i know people notice that i need help, but they do nothing. maybe because i am no tired of hoping to get better. nothing helps. you dont know how much i really want to hang myself right now. im tired of all the bullshit. its killing me. i feel even worse. i hear of “SAE22” no more. i told her if she kills herself, she will kill me too. not hearing from her is killing me already even more. i have no more reason to live. i failed her. my words were not good enough for her. i could have saved her, but i feel i failed her instead. even if i know it was her choice. and i hope she is fine. hopefully she is still alive. how much i wish i had a hug. but instead i have loneliness with me.

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