I am in another sway of emotion these days, seeking the idealization.Â There are so many people left behind, the suicide survivors that voice this sadness and displeasure, while never really comprehending our lifetime of sadness and displeasure.Â I wasn’t cut-out for all of this.Â So when I think of suicide, I tend to not think of the disappointment I will cause the people in my life…I mean, I do, but–lately–there is a bigger chunk of me that idealizes the perfect moment.Â That peaceful fade that I have afforded myself–through careful planning–sometime in the near future.Â I have my way out, just waiting.Â Not and issue of “if” but “when”.Â I want it to be perfect.Â I want it to be beautiful.Â I want to be in the forest (as remote as possible), alone, contemplative…and, yet, excited.Â I want to be far removed from the city, from the failed relationships, from the dreams that never really materialized.Â This life: I never found anyone who loved me.Â My whole life: I never encountered anyone who saw value in me, despite being told of all the “amazing” qualities I posses.Â I gave up a long time ago, trying.Â I tired various means of manifesting the reality I wanted.Â Nothing worked.Â The only reality that I am now capable of manifesting is this perfect death I have planned.Â And why should anyone ever care?Â No one really cared while I was here.Â Everyone wants me to live just so they won’t be uncomfortable.Â This is more and more about me and my destiny.Â I am the one who wishes to turn the page, myself.Â I am ready.Â I have permission from every source I have referenced.Â Â I “stomped the terra” with the best of them…but it’s all over now.Â I have no interest in continuing this seemingly futile existence.Â And when people ask me why I don’t, I’ll just quote Bartleby, the Scrivener and say “I prefer not to”.
It’s strange how suicidal minds think alike. I have often fantisized about my own end, and my desires for a peaceful, removed exit are very similar to yours.
I think that a common characteristic of most self-loathing, suicidal individuals is that “type-a” mentality.
My acquaintances often vocalize their feelings about my talents and abilities, but in my mind, I am nothing more than ordinary. My bowels knot everytime someone speaks of how great I am at something.
The statement that a person is “good” at something is ambiguous.
What does it matter what another thinks if from our own introspective we see nothing but commonality.
Yet another posting that I can relate to, on being told many times by many people throughout life how great you are, yet I’m still alone as can be and can’t think of a single person who gives a crap about me.
Thank you both, Stephen and embargo. It is clawing at me more and more, and the longer i wait the more I feel I am missing out on this moment of my existence, to end it. I want, so much, to have permission from everyone…that would help. I want people to understand that I love and value them, I just have too much pain, too much loss, and I am willing to die for that. I am willing to be at peace with all of it. Otherwise I will cry inside everyday of my life. (I don’t cry on the outside, rarely, but inside I can’t stop.)
Well I for one am not giving you permission 🙂
I actually did cry in 10-15 minute stints numerous times every day over the course of 2 weeks. I don’t know what got me out of that slump.. (maybe just the passing of time?).. I am happier lately but nothing really changed.
I’m not an optimistic person but things have been so crappy for so long that I think the odds are they have to get better..
I remember you posting before and I admit I don’t know all of your story, I just wonder if you can escape/get away from the things/people that pain you. That’s what my plan is but I’m trying to save up more from my job before I do quit. If I continue on as I have been, there is no point, and I’m totally a goner. I’m just not quite there yet.
I know the memories will linger and follow me wherever I go, but fortunately, slowly but surely, they have been fading. I intend to take in a ton of new experiences to weaken those bad memories even more. With my luck I will just get more sad doing cool stuff by myself. 🙁
My whole story is one of failed relationships, essentially. I am a very passionate person. Recently I was diagnosed with personality disorder: everything is black and white. I either think something is great or I think it is horrible. There is no grey for me. This much is true. I prop people up, and when they disappoint me I hate them. So when it comes to being over 30 and suffering because I feel my body is breaking down and I can’t seem to find anyone of significance in this wretched town and I know that I can’t maintain anything…what’s the point. Worse yet, I am now coveting worldly devices. I hate where I live and want to be affluent, but then I realize that I gave into the pressure of some of the worthless people in my life I dared to call friends. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I need to decide. Put all of my stuff in storage, things I treasure, things I would never want some agency to have and throw away…put it all in storage, pay for a year of storage, have the agency alert my brother a few months before the year ends so he can have all my stuff…the stuff I love, like my bike and my computer…I’m so sad now!
Wow. I’m totally the same way. With people it seems I’m either very impressed/interested in them or they don’t even show up on the map. There might be a handful of people I meet over the course of a year who ever get into the first category, but ultimately pretty much everyone ends up in the second category. I think I live to a high standard and I hold people to that same standard, but I must be giving them too much credit.
I’ve always been “all or nothing” with relationships, and I’m likewise very passionate. (and as I’m usually alone now, I apparently have a talent for being terrible at relationships, even the ones I try to make work)
Most of the friends in my life I have little to nothing in common with, and I only stick around because they’re all I have. My pursuit of what I would consider “real” friends has never worked out. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything.. I’m afraid to admit I have a problem or have it be documented.. but I swear I so relate to what you’re saying.
I live in a big city.. I’m barely over 30, hate it here, and can’t wait to leave. My only prized possessions are my car and my computer.. Just wanted to share all that cuz I can relate. Like I said I’m not at my wits end yet but if/when I get there, a certain unfortunate person in my life gets all my stuff. I’d give up my life and everything this very second if I could improve this person’s quality of life.
Me too. We should start a pact or club or something…but I am sure that would be illegal. Truth be told, I am waiting for the world to get a bit stranger/worse, and then I am going to slink off without anyone noticing. That way, it will all be exciting. I don’t want to be apart of what’s coming, and I know what’s coming: manufactured apocalypse.
I definitely don’t like how the world is going. If this manufactured apocalypse does come at least it will make the world a much less boring place and I hope to get a piece of the action.
Everyone will jump ship, flee population centers, it will be chaos, the type of thing I have always feared. I have no interest in robbing someone at gunpoint for their cheese sandwich, I’d rather die. That’s what a lot of people don’t get about me. I don’t wish to participate in the madness, not now and not in the future.
(Not saying you would kill someone for a cheese sandwich, I’m just saying I don’t want to see that happening….)
True, I don’t have interest in robbing/killing someone for a cheese sandwich. (I have bigger aspirations than that.) Although, maybe I’ll go for plan B and head to the middle of nowhere – like I’m sure a lot of people will do.
Related to every word from everyone as if I wrote it all myself, that is odd how suicidal minds think alike. “but I am sure that would be illegal.” especially that sentiment, and what hasn’t become illegal now in this world? There are so many bullshit laws now every single person probably breaks the law 100 times every single day without even realizing it. Like Ayn Rand said, “When there aren’t enough criminals, you simply create them by making everything a crime until virtually everyone is a criminal,” not that I like Rand particularly much, she has some good points, anyways. I also don’t want to participate in what is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, coming in store for humanity. Many might enjoy it but only for a while, the first year might be interesting because it is like an adventure, but after that I think it might just grow tiresome and one becomes very bitter.
Embargo I know the feeling with the compliments and such, somehow I became one of the best pianists alive or something. I’ve been on the cover of the paper, I’ve had endless people tell me it was the best performance they’ve ever heard, etc. it got the point where I hated hearing it. Why wont I make a living out of it people ask, because then I wouldn’t have it in the first place. The way I developed the talent was raw and hidden, one day I came out and played Beethoven for people as well as my own compositions and everyone wondered what in the Hell happened. But to do it for money, according to popular opinion, I am certain that I would lose what I worked so hard for. I didn’t really want to mention the piano thing because now the “crisis control team” will surely use it as a weapon against me. I just wanted to say that I know the feeling and it does wear me down after a while as well.
My exit will be soon, like Z I’m also getting my room ready for checking out, and I recently got a strange letter in the mail from social security, telling me that if I were to die then my kids would get like $550/mo. or something, that I payed into when I was working for the man. Did you ever wonder if you were born into slavery? If we all were but it is really hard to admit to ourselves? This whole construct, the cubicles, the tv shows and celebrities, the false version of history we were given in school, the way the presidents never mention the federal reserve or central banks as if they don’t even exist, the way war has never even stopped and we are always bombarded with propaganda enticing people to support wars that they would otherwise never support, the cubicles where people work for and process paperwork for big brother, the way you work for 20 years and then they let you go without so much as a goodbye, the way women are legally protected and can now do nearly whatever they please and legally get away with it. We have been stripped of our humanity, of who we really are, of our birthrights as people on this planet, if you tried to ride a horse from coast to coast you would probably be arrested and thrown into a psych ward, as the whole country laughs in brainwashed unison: “WHY would you want to ride a HORSE from coast to coast?!?” When I think of suicide I think of it like payday, something I’m looking forward to in a major way, yet the whole situation saddens me that it has come down to this. Time for some coffee.
well i for one think, YOUR STUPID. suicide is no way out. it causes pain everywhere. and you wanna get away from the pain so much? well what if you dont succeed? then what you’ll be in worlds of pain for DAYS. maybe even weeks months or years. again like i said, YOUR STUPID. god loves you. just the way you are. please dont do anything stupid. i dont even knw you and i love you. DONT DO IT!! READ YOUR BIBLE!! GO TO GOD FOR ANSWERS!!!!!!
I have read the Bible. From the Old Testament I’ve read Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Deuteronomy, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes, Song of Songs, JOB, I have slowly meditated on the whole New Testament three times from beginning to end. I have studied different biblical interpretations in addition to that; Edgar Cayce, Meister Eckhart, Saint Augustine, St Teresa of Avila, Dannion Brinkley, Howard Storm, etc. That is not lightweight stuff and it took me years to do. My conclusion is that it’s bullshit, it has it’s points which are great. for. the. person. who. still. has. hope. But not for me, never forget: stupid is is stupid does, and the whole world agrees with you that I’m stupid, even more reason to leave. Thanks!
I’m seeing it as an early exit that we have committed ourselves to, us, the last of a dying breed. Those of us who actually remember what life was like before, before technology monitored virtually everything including bathrooms, before paranoia was to become as rampant as the black plague, before life was ALL about money, back when people still had somewhat of a heart and the creeks were somewhat clean and we could swim in them. That was back before it all became black filth. In 2006 there were some 35,000 suicides in America, going from that stat and simply adding one variant (economy folding) I assume that there are near 50,000 suicides/year in America now. After some basic math it’s revealed that there are 90-140 suicides (actual suicides – not even counting attempts) in America every day on average. It is safe to say that every 10 minutes, there is one suicide in America (probably the same in your country, I don’t know); no press for any of them though because none of them were superstar celebrities. So that’s the fact of life of today. That’s a whole lot of people who aren’t “crying for help”. I am in that category as well, we are a dying breed and that’s all there is to it, that’s how I’m looking at it now. All of my attempts at life have failed, my body has failed, my mind has failed, my efforts at family life have failed miserably, my credit score is almost as high as my bowling average, at the last 200 jobs I have applied at I have gotten NO job and only 2 interviews! I am useless, and there are many of us now, there is no place in this society for me, no place that I would care to live in anyways. My city is filth, I’ve been living in the projects, oh and the roaches are everywhere, worse, as a white man I am blamed for virtually everything, you stubbed your toe? No fault of your own because I am here and just in time! Blame it on the whitey. “they take the jobs that Americans don’t want to do” ahah, sure, blame it on the whitey folks, the hater, the scapegoat. Show whitey NO love it’s okay he can take it he can take ANYTHING!! Any amount of abuse! I take this as a sign from society itself that I am being eliminated, even if I’m not I’ll take myself out of the equation while you pretend that the reality is different from what I face every single day. I am simply tired of being hated by all of society including my own women, I am unloved, have always been unloved and I have lived the life of a person who never experienced love (with the exception of that from my brother), I gave my heart to people and they crushed it and felt justified while doing so, anyone who tells me that I am feeling sorry for myself is correct, but the fact that they think they have a point is stupid, to live out this shit is stupid. Stupid I tell you, brainless. And after we’re all gone THEN who are you going to blame everything on? Who is going to be the NEW scapegoat presented to you in the media? Maybe it will be YOU. Come join us for coffee, starbucks is stray dup ahead.
lilsteph…”your stupid” what? Did you mean “you’re stupid” as in “you are stupid”? When insulting someone it is best to not draw attention to your own failings as a practitioner of rhetoric.
Haunts All…we are so closely related in this life, our mind-sets; I’d very much like to communicate with you further but am uncertain on how to send a private message on this site.
Z – I’m not sure about how to do so either. Agreed about the similiarities though, feel free to send me an email to firstname.lastname@example.org if you want.
@lilsteph Get out of here. In this forum only intelligent comments are posted. Your posting is so ridiculous that I feel embarrased. You insult someone calling him stupid, you command him to read the bible, etc. What a wasteful individual you are, get out of this scene.
@justalvaro That’s exactly what I was thinking. Thank you for summing the whole situation up.
@lilsteph Capslock gives the impression that you’re yelling. That is not necessary. Plus you’re calling the poster stupid? That is not what this website is designed for.
@lilsteph. Wait. Did you seriously just call somone stupid then say that you love them. I don’t believe there is room for hateful people who only contradict. Themselves and cause more pain than anyone needs. And btw. Not to insult your religion. I know they say god speaks trough the bible. But I want you to show me the verse tht states “don’t kill yourself. It’s stupid.” then show me a verse that can comfort someone who’s depressed beyond anything you can think to compare it to. Sorry if I’m being insulting or rude or mean. Or anything negative. But you just ruined my mood. And for once it was a good mood. Congrats lilsteph. ):
@lilsteph. How could you call somone stupid then say that you love them? Is that bein holy or religious? I don’t believe there is room for hateful people who only contradict. Themselves and cause more pain than anyone needs. And btw. Not to insult your religion. I know they say god speaks trough the bible. But I want you to show me the verse tht states “don’t kill yourself. It’s stupid.” then show me a verse that can comfort someone who’s depressed. Sorry if I’m being insulting or rude or mean. Or anything negative. But you just ruined my mood. And for once it was a good mood. Congrats lilsteph. ):
“Thou Shalt Not Kill” is a common mistranslation of the Bible. What it actually says is “Thou Shalt Not Murder” and you cannot murder yourself, you can only kill yourself. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that one cannot take their own life if need be.
Thank you Haunts All.
Depending on who you ask, Jesus Himself committed suicide. Before His death He said, “If I wanted to I could summon a flock of angels to protect me from all of this,” thus He willingly let Himself be murdered… in some sense effectively committing suicide. Not that I believe in a literal interpretation of the book anyways, as I prefer the story in its metaphorical meaning instead. One way to look at it is Jesus as yourself, and the 12 disciples as 12 different states of being; Judas being the side of you that betrays yourself, etc. If there was an omnipresent all-powerful God watching over this planet, I have a very hard time believing that It would stand by silently and apparently powerlessly while all of the turmoil has been going on for centuries, and up to this point and beyond. 66 million people were brutally murdered in Russia within less than 50 years… personally I am not willing to accept that any God would let that happen. Maybe It would. I don’t know, that’s why I remain agnostic, the only sensible position.
No worries 7’s, always glad to be of service (:
I enjoy hearin your opinion of the bible. It’s new. And I agree with it. I always felt tht there wa somthing else to the the bible. Besides the literal meaning. Thank you for showin me this possible meaning.
this thread was a real interesting one, maybe we all carry an old school gene that remembers ancestors living in the forests and such. eg. if you shove an animal somewhere it shouldn’t be and make it work (circus?) you will end up breaking it’s spirit. maybe that’s us, and because we usually isolate our selves in our mind we come across those thoughts: what if?
I’m not saying suicide is disease or anything like that, I’m glad I have these thoughts. that comment was just a theory.