The romance of it all…

  April 14th, 2010 by z

I am in another sway of emotion these days, seeking the idealization.  There are so many people left behind, the suicide survivors that voice this sadness and displeasure, while never really comprehending our lifetime of sadness and displeasure.  I wasn’t cut-out for all of this.  So when I think of suicide, I tend to not think of the disappointment I will cause the people in my life…I mean, I do, but–lately–there is a bigger chunk of me that idealizes the perfect moment.  That peaceful fade that I have afforded myself–through careful planning–sometime in the near future.  I have my way out, just waiting.  Not and issue of “if” but “when”.  I want it to be perfect.  I want it to be beautiful.  I want to be in the forest (as remote as possible), alone, contemplative…and, yet, excited.  I want to be far removed from the city, from the failed relationships, from the dreams that never really materialized.  This life: I never found anyone who loved me.  My whole life: I never encountered anyone who saw value in me, despite being told of all the “amazing” qualities I posses.  I gave up a long time ago, trying.  I tired various means of manifesting the reality I wanted.  Nothing worked.  The only reality that I am now capable of manifesting is this perfect death I have planned.  And why should anyone ever care?  No one really cared while I was here.  Everyone wants me to live just so they won’t be uncomfortable.  This is more and more about me and my destiny.  I am the one who wishes to turn the page, myself.  I am ready.  I have permission from every source I have referenced.   I “stomped the terra” with the best of them…but it’s all over now.  I have no interest in continuing this seemingly futile existence.  And when people ask me why I don’t, I’ll just quote Bartleby, the Scrivener and say “I prefer not to”.

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