I recently read this book called “Thirteen Reasons Why” by Jay Asher about a girl named Hannah who kills herself, but before she does she makes these tapes that explain why she killed herself, and who was involved in her making that decision, and then she sends the tapes to the people on them and tells them if they don’t pass them on, then someone who has a copy of the tapes will release them to the public at school, ruining their lives.
It got me thinking: What are my reasons? If I were to kill myself, what would my reasons be behind it, and would anyone care to listen if I talked about it on some old tapes?
Maybe they would, maybe they wouldn’t, but nonetheless I have gone over everything in my head, and I think I have figured out MY thirteen reasons why.
Reason #1: Steven- We dated when I was in ninth grade and he was in eigth for over three months and even though it wasn’t very long, it still hurt when he moved away to Texas.
Reason #2: Kenny- Asked me out to Homecoming this year and then decided he didnt want a real relationship…couple of days later I caught him kissing my close friend.
Reason #3: Amanda-We were friends at the beginning of the year, inseperable in fact, until Amanda’s old make-out buddy decided to tell Amanda i told ppl they hooked up, which I didn’t. Amanda’s hated me ever since.
Reason #4: Matt-Matt, Amanda, and I were like the three musketeers but he sided with Amanda over me and even though we have begun talking again, it still stings when I think about the way they both treated me for all those months up until now, and how i thought they were my friends, but if they were they would’ve just trusted me and not a shit-load of rumors.
Reason #5: Addison-I hooked up with him at a party after me and kenny went to homecoming together and did nothing more then make out with him at a park afterward, but thought that we had something there. He decided he liked my friend Nicole instead, and I found out that they had had sex soon after Nicole dropped me off at home.
Reason #6: Patrick-Thought he was my friend but turned out to be a total douchebag who listens to what people say about me other then make his own opinions about whether or not he wants to be my friend. He thinks I’m a “whiney, self-conceited *****”. (I just had to do that with his name, it’s just too priceless)
Reason #7: Holden -Decided to try and feel me up (which i did not agree too) when we were sitting in his car after a first date. Told all the guys at the place where he does gymnastics that I “put out” and “if they’re looking for easy ***** they should give me a call”.
Reason # 8: Jared-dated him for a week but broke it off when he told me he didnt want to date a girl with “baggage”…My apparent baggage is my little five year old brother who i have to babysit a lot, which leaves less time for a boyfriend.
Reason #9: Tommy -first kiss when I was twelve years old. Blabbed to his whole school that I let him touch my chest that night. The kiss wasn’t even worth it.
Reason #10: Ricki -I’ve known him since I was in fifth grade and yet he still insists on calling me a slut everytime I walk past him. I don’t even really remember the kid.
Reason #11: Drake -My best friend who desperately wants to understand whats wrong with me but I don’t want to let him in. He should not be on this list by a longshot but sometimes they say if u love someone u have to let them go.
Reason 12: Phoebe -My evil alter-ego who wishes everyone would just go die and leave her alone. She only comes out to play when I’m depressed, which is often, sadly.
And Reason #13: Everyone at my high school who says that I’m either a *****, slut, or liar. You don’t know me at all, so it makes no sense that you would all criticize me for something you do not know that I am. I am sorry your all so conformative.
So, there they are, my thirteen reasons for wanting to kill myself.
Actually, those aren’t the real reasons, not by a million miles, but sometimes it just feels better to be able to blame other people on our unhappiness, even when we know it is only ourselves who makes us unhappy.
Thank you.
9 comments
Everyone thinks I’m a hoe too , far more people than that , don’t worry . And the funny thing is that no guy can actually say he’s claimed this , yet the rumors go on and on . My close friend actually read thirteen reasons why . I didn’t bother to , it’s not my type of book . But a book related to suicide that i’ve read was Paint It Black , the main protagonists , Josie’s , boyfriend , Michael , commits suicide and she doesn’t know why since their relationship was “perfect” but as the story unfolds itself (through her flashbacks) , their relationship was more screwed up than you think . Plus all the people involved .
I not too long ago made a post about what most people call “sluts” and the problem I had with that word that’s ruined so many lives .
http://suicideproject.org/2010/04/i-have-a-problem-with-slut/#comments
^^the link
ive been caught in fucked up situations having to do with things like that everywhere . most girls seem to hate me , i can truly say i only have one close friend who’s actually a girl and it’s from afar , we go to seperate highschools , well , i actually dropped out of highschool not too long ago to get my GED because of a a recent fight i had in school for one of my friends , who now hates me because of something that happened (that also deemed me a “slut”) , and i got suspended for 10 days .
to make a long story short , i know i’m not a bad person , i may be a little screwed up , but most of all ive been caught up in screwed up situations . ive often felt like i wanted to die but … if i were to die , it wouldn’t be for this . i couldn’t forgive myself . fuck people , in the end , they’re all instigators and liars .
my aims is jessins94 if u ever wanna talk . i understand where you’re coming from .
The second rule of success is “the past is pointless”…. Everything that is happening right now is not occurring in the past. Here are the Four Rules to Success, in case you forgot:
1. Strength needs no excuse
2. The past is pointless
3. Just because it happened to you doesn’t make it interesting
4. The things you apologize for are the things you want.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0114371/
Live in the now for a little while. I need help doing it too.
Hi I am Marius and read your story, I tried to kill myselve 3 times.
The las time I took anough poison to kill me 3 times over, well I am still alive as God saved me from sertain death and an eternety in hell.
It does not matter wat people think of you or others, wat really matters is wat God thinks of you and your relationship with Him.
Dipression is a bad thing and I am clased as severe depresed, so I am on lots of meds, and coping with wat live trows at me me everyday, being married with 2 kids, being vinantially disabled, live at the moment is unbareble but with God’s grace I survive day at a time, sorry for my broken english and spelling.
One thing I learned is that suicide is not the end, there is a life after death, judgement is waiting for us all, it is either heven or hell and I will not wish for any to parish and go to hell.
I am a Christian and have surended my live to Jesus Christ as my Lord and saviour, no to live is for Christ and if I die heaven is my reword, to be with my Creator, Jesus Christ.
I see you mentioned the word slut and fuck people, well Jesus died for them too, so pray for them, don’t hate for hateput an burdon on your life that will pull you down in the abbis of seohle (hell) for God so loved the world that he give his only begotten Son (Jesus Christ) that whosoever belive in Him will not parish but have eternal life.
Jesus loves you and He is waiting with open arms …
marius777
z,
Forgive me. You seem to be stuck in some illogical doctrines for long.
Your point 4 “The things you apologize for are the things you want.” can be said to be “quite” right. Because I don’t want to lose you. But actually one can get things without bureaucratic politeness too.
These so-called doctrines are just some incidences documented. Just like seeing heavy black clouds will usually rain.
There is no need to be doctrinal about that.
If you live by rules like that, such as restricting the males to put toilet seat back down after use, or squeeze the tooth-paste only from the bottom not from the top, you will soon find death or kill the other partner.
(Well, as a male, I sit instead of stand to avoid any messing up)
Forgive me again, my friend, I just don’t wish to see you circling in that cul-de-sac.
1.. “Strength needs no excuse”
It is illogical. Strength needs something as support. If to say stupid needs no excuse is better.
2.. “The past is pointless”
Past, present, future are 3 points, You can’t say they are pointless.
Only that we are pointless feeling blank if thinking of the past. But thinking of the past always leads us back to many particular points in life of the past. You see the contradiction ?
3.. “Just because it happened to you doesn’t make it interesting”–it’s sarcastic and pessimistic.
it’s like a man climbing himself back up from his careless fall saying “Oh, I didn’t fall. See my hand, I’m just picking up the sand from the earth”.
One has to learn from his fall, so that next time he won’t fall that easy. That should be the correct way of thinking.
If always trying to find excuses for mistakes, one at last has to be isolated or kill himself.
fireflieslight: I put down what I was referencing, the 1995 film Search and Destroy; I though I made that clear with the link but perhaps not.
Humor can cure mostly anything, which was my attempt there. But the bigger point of living in the present is paramount.
z- how does one “live in the present?” I think I am epic at living in the past because I constantly analyze past situations.
We all do, but it is pointless to waste time doing so. I read a book a few years back, real popular then, and still, now, you can find it at Barnes and Noble:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Power_of_Now
It is important to not waste time with the past, for it is screwing up your now. And, believe me, I am the worst at thinking about the past, but we can all improve.
hmmm dumb ass guys much?
Well…life’s harsh and……well those guys were dicks, but through them all you’ll find a real guy who will treat you right and you just gotta let him in.
For the friends, heck they aren’t no friends of yours and not worth it at all. So much for “friendship” but well…That’s how you know who your true friends are and you’ll fine them, slowly by slowly you will.
I assure you that you will find friends and a guy out there for you, after all there’s a guy for every girl
Li is right, life is harsh–probably harsher than it has right to be. But sometimes (many times) there is nothing you can do but drag yourself to the next challenge and hope something will turn out okay.
As for friends, well, count all of us your friends! Here, we all have these kinds of problems, so we already have something in common. We’ll all try to help you through this, so count us in!
If you ever feel like you just want to rant or something, my email is blackswan1661@gmail.com