this is what i feel and what i am.

my name is alyssa, im a junior in highschool and im only seven-teen. i just turned seven-teen a couple months ago. ive dealt with depression since i was little. the furthest i can remember was when i was in kindergarten, when i started to get these sad feelings. i dont have a father, he abandoned me when i was born and pretended to care by taking me in here and there. only because my grandparents loved me and he lived with them, so he had no choice but to see me. he would steal from me, the clothes my mom would send me with, the jewlery.. everything. he would fight with my mom and hit her, i dont think he ever put a hand on me.. but emotionally im scarred from this. all i can remember of him was yelling at my mom to take me home because he didnt want to see me. the other him being in jail and visiting him with my grandma. now my mom is no mom to me, she was only 15 when she had me, a teenage mother is the worse thing to ever have. my mom didnt make me feel loved, she would ignore me and would want to go out with her friends and sisters. only my grandmother (her mother) would make her stay and take care of me. she wasnt affectionate towards me in the littlest way, she never held me.. told me constantly she loved me. it was like having an older teenage sister, that wanted to do her own thing and not deal with a younger sibling. thats what it felt like to me and it felt that way for a long time, even to this day. im almost an legal adult and it still feels like shes my sister, i have no mother or father. as i got older, my relationship with her worsen. she got to the point that the only way to deal with me was to beat the shit out of me. she started with belts when i was little, i guess because i couple whips would hurt me enough to get me to shut up. i just remember sitting there in a little ball, squirming to get away from her belts. it got to the point if, i wasnt crying enough shed fine a better belt to hit me with. my most vivid memory is of my mom trying to teach me my abc’s and i could not get the difference between the letter b or d. so every time i would fuck up, shed take the belt and hit me really hard. after one blow, i fell off the bed and she laughed at me like it was nothing. at the time of course, it was normal to me to see this behavior from her and it didn’t phase me. until i got even older, thats when everything really started to hurt. during this time also, my mom had meet her now husband.. my “step dad”. he never adopted me and i didnt want him to at one point, but hes been engage to my mom for so long that became his title some how. he doesnt excist in my life, his being is nothing to me. he makes me feel even worse about myself. i have now two half siblings, both his sons.. his biological children. im not his child and he has no problem showing it. living in a house with someone where you don’t communicate, unless you have to, ONLY if its necessary is oblivious to me. i don’t remember when this happen, but it did. im not his kid, ill never be his kid, im that unwanted girl in his household that he so desperatly wants to get rid of. my mom and him moved us around about five or six times before we settled in the area i live in now. giving me little chance to make any friends and when i did, my mother would not let me see them outside of school or communicate with them. my life when i was little revolved around watching cartoons on the television, shows like pokemon/ sailor moon/ courage the cowardly dog/ etc. i just remember the only children id get to play with was with my cousins. eventually that stopped also because we would move further and further from my family each time or because my mom would just distant herself from them because of him. I became really skinny from not doing anything and was extremly under weight, my moms friends noticed and asked if she was feeding me. it wasnt that she wasnt feeding me, i just refused to eat or never was hungry because my depression was getting deeper. at first we lived with my grandmother and grandfather (her parents) then we moved into my aunts (her sister) and then my fathers parents appartment. eventually she ended back at her parents because she wasnt capable of making it on her own, then she meet him.. my “step dad”. he swept off her feet apparently and by the time i was four, we had moved in with him on long island. that was a complete nightmare, since they argued all the time and seemed to fuck all the time. i wasn’t that retarded to figure out the screaming was them fighting and all the broken stuff they would break was because of them. then they would just have sex and i guess that was there way of making up, which is completly ridiculous if you ask me. that doesnt fix anything, having sex doesnt fix ANYTHING! it just makes things dissapear for a little while, couldn’t they realize they weren’t meant for each other in that moment of time? i saw it, eventually.. the anger between them channeled over to me and my poor baby blue. blue was my puppy, they had gotten me when i was four or five. he was the sweetest thing i could ever ask for and would never hurt anyone. my parents decided though beating the shit out of him or me would make things a little bit better. it just made me suffer even more, i wonder what blue was feeling? did it hurt him to see me hit as much as it hurt me to see him get hit? my mom enventually moved out, i remeber it like it was yesterday… i was coming out of school, i was in first grade at the time. i was walking out to go and get picked up by my mom or sean. it turned out when i got into the car we were leaving, my mom was in tears… like some one had just died, i looked in the back and there was piles upon piles of clothes and all this other shit that i cant remember. just so much stuff that you couldnt see out the windows at all. apparently they had gotten into another stupid fucking fight, over god knows what. i remember her telling me, but it deffinetly wasnt important enough for her to just take me away from that school like that. we went to new jersey, to live with my uncle and aunt, also with my little cousin. he was a year younger then me, but was my bestfriend. still is one of my bestfriends, maybe where not as close as when we were little.. its still there. new jersey was depressing.. all i really cared about was seeing my little cousin and being with blue. of course not my mom because at that point, i honestly could not bring myself to understand her. all i knew is that she controlled me and that was it. lets fast foward to a couple years, we were living with him again except this time.. in a different town on long island. my mom was pregnant with my little brother, my frist sibling or half sibling. he was going to be a boy, my step dad wishes and prayers. that year was 2001.. my brother was born, following his birth was my “step dad’s” fathers death and then the twin towers collasping. that year was when my world would be completly turned upside down and never be the same to this year. my mom stop paying attention to me because all she could wonder about was him and my little brother. all he could care about was his son and the lost of his father. he was a mad man, he had changed even more towards me and my mom. he would be quicker to anger and would snap more then usual. he would smoother my little brother constantly. he gave him a car.. when he was a born, a cobra and the liscense plate read 4mylilsean. i was pushed away to my basement and my television again, watching my cartoons non stop. i started to do bad in school at this point, not wanting to do my work ever or wanting to pay attention. my mom eventually had to start doing work with me, we would be there for hours. i was nothing to them, all i felt like was a fucking burden.. like i asked to be born into this world? just so i could feel this way? like i wanted to feel pushed away to the corner like some damn toy a kid would play with non stop then get sick of. my relationship with my grandmother was the strongest i had with anyone, she was my mother in my heart, but i knew she wasnt in reality. if she was why was in this house with these people? and not in hers with her? i knew she wasnt my mother and it hurt. suicide started to become a thought to me, a way out of this pain. only i didnt know thats what i was feeling, i really didnt, how can you exspect a nine year old to feel that way. i know now that is what i was feeling at the time though, i wanted to die and that was final. one day, i went into the kitchen looking for something to burn the house down with, with me in it.. to die. i found a lighter for the oven, i went to the basement and light the curtains on fire.. i watched as the whole window became inflamed with fire and smoke.. then it spread to my toys, i sat there… waiting for it to engulf me. then something hit me, my mom, him, my brother, what about them? wouldnt they die to and that wasnt my intentions. so i thought, what could i do, i called my grandmother.. i asked her what to do. she said to tell my parents. so i did and then they reacted fast, then the firemen came. when they finally left, my mom was looking around.. she saw the lighter had been used. both her and him came down to me and asked me what did i do and if i didnt admit it, they would have me arrested. i admitted and spent a year in therapy for nothing, all i got out of that was i had no mother or father, my grandmother was my mother figure, i needed a relationship with my “family”. at the end of that all i could think was fuck that, they dont want me and i knew it because they didnt try and let me into their world. i was still that fucking black sheep, that unwanted child with darker skin and hair then them. the one that deff didnt look she belonged with my fair skin family with light eyes and different featurees from mine because i looked like my father. also because no one would guess my mom who was only in her 20’s and him who was also in his 20’s could have a nine year old daughter? ten year old? why? that would mean you had her when you were a teenager? no shit, she just never wanted to talk about it because she was ashamed. that was my life, never felt like i belonged and had no one. eventually we moved again, after living in that town for three years and actually make some friends, they decided to fucking move again and make my life EVEN more of a living hell. this new town was shit, i didnt like the people in it because all i wanted was my old house. i acted out by being bad in class, having an attitude or not doing what i was told because i just didnt give a fuck. my friends kept changing in this new school, people would make comments at me like why do you have tits? because unfortanetly i was already going through puberty by the summer of going into fourth grade. i had gotten my period, grown breast, an hour glass figure, and was starting to get acne. i was a monster to people in this new school, and i was starting to get sexual urges. i couldnt explain them, no matter how hard i tried, but i knew.. that some how that women and men were suppose to do things to each other that felt good? to make babies some how, i didnt know the science behind it, but i knew it was something that came natural to men and women at a certain age. i was feeling it and i tried it out, i didnt have sex but i did try other things that humans do when they have those stupid sexual urges. my grandmother caught me one time and now i was supposedly a sex fiend? no not at all, i was just confused and didnt know what was happening to me emotionally or physically? do you think i wanted a rack before anyone else in my school or the fact that i wanted to be called names behind my back because of it. i was taller then all the kids in my school, there was only one other kid that was my hieght and we were the same exact hieght and it was a boy. so whoop the fucking do! i was a giant amazon compared to everyone else. i was a freak show for everyone to point at. that was that and my summer vacation, was shit.. i spent it all closed inside of my house, away from the world because my mom didnt want me seeing anyone else or i was in new jersey with my grandparents. now going into middle school, to me was going to be a new GOOD experience, atleast thats what i thought. apparently i was deemed weird and ugly because everyone thought i was mexican because of my skin color and thick curly hair. no one talked to me or hardly did, no one saw me outside of school. my grades were becoming shit again, my mom made me start getting weekly progress reports and i stoped caring about that. also i was in love, my first real puppy love and those feelings for this kid would not stop until after five years. so he didnt want anything to do with me because everyone thought i was a freak, worse part was he use to be on of my good friends until middle school and my teachers treated me like shit. the only one that didnt was my art teacher because she saw i had a gift with a pencil. that i had a lot to offer to art would, sadly enough with the depression, my drawings would stop too. you lose interest in things when you become depressed.. i learned later and who would have known i would be left with nothing but my dark room and television because of it. my passions quickly started to deteriate from my life, the drawings would start to slowly stop, reading books like harry potter would stop, my love for art/ comics/ etc. would fade. i would be left with nothing but my lonely self and my abusive mom and “step dad”. my moms beating skills changed at this point, she would punch me/ kick me/ rip my hair out/ and throw me into shit. one time i was left there sitting in my own nose blood, just crying because i so wanted desperatly to die. every day i would see if it would be that day, they wouldnt yell at me. it never came that day, i would cry every night waiting for a night i wouldnt.. it never came. i thought these feelings, were normal? crying every night, being yelled at, being beaten on a normal bases… i thought it was all normal. i would constantly have bruises on myself from them and when i went to see my family in new jersey, they would always ask where they were from.. id tell them from mommy and him. i was naive.. obviously because i would so openly admit to them like it was normal for them to be doing this to me. i remember them being upset and would contact my mother saying why? and how could you? but nothing ever changed. then came that one day, i had given up finally. i realised that life wasnt worth it, i was depressed and i didnt even know it. life was so dark and gloomy for me, i was getting ready to kill myself, even though it wasnt my first attempt. my first was when i was little maybe like eight, nine, or ten. im not sure, i tried to gag myself to death with my blanky from when i was a baby. back to this attempt though, i was ready, i was going to do it, i had nothing to lose.. i had no family to love anymore, i had no friend to turn to, i had no future. my life was over before it even started. my mom howling at me all the time, why do you have that face? go kill yourself already! your an ungrateful child! you’ll be just like your father (that one both from my “step dad” and mother) etc. all these constant remarks from them because of the way i felt or more of the way i looked. they didnt approve of my face expressions, but it was so hard to find a smile, when youve been so sad for such a long time.  it was time to die, but then.. my friend wrote to me, so suddenly i couldnt even realise he was trying to help me. he was much older then me, i knew him from jiu jitsu, a hobby i took up to try and cheer myself up. he was in college and was trying to tell me, that it isnt worht it because people around you will feel so sad and that its a selfish act. honestly thinking back on it, i wish he never said anything to me because i would have done it and been on my merry way in the after life.. instead of still suffering and wishing i was dead every moment im awake. i was going to hang myself at that moment in time, but was saved by my friend. still unaware of my depression, i went on with life like nothing had happen. still in misery, still wishing day by day that some miracle would happen to take my life. fast fowarding to now my first year in highschool, though during that summer i had gotten my first boyfriend. he was four years older then me and as i was going into highschool.. he was going into college. he told me he was breaking up with me at the end of the summer and so he did. i felt used and lonely because of it and went back into depression. i felt that in order to be happy i needed a boyfriend, so the cycle began. three months into my highschool year and still being absorbed with depression, i had gotten my second boyfriend. we had lasted a year, and it was magical or atleast it seemed to me… in reality it wasnt, we constantly fought with one another and had been so verbally abusive to one another that i dont know what they fuck we were both thinking. i tried my first real attempt at killing myself when i was with him because i couldnt handle it, i overdosed on pills. all that happen to me was i got really high and was supriginly happy? but i guess thats only because that was the first high ive ever felt? eventually he hit me one day in an argument, i stayed with him still because i loved him and he made me happy.. not at all in reality. then i left him for another kid, who did use me for sex and maybe did care about me at one point? doubt it then from there i meet my next boyfriend. he was a rich kid with famous grandparents and a some what famous mom, he wanted to give his heart to me and i wanted to give mine to him, but he was to emotional and so was i. we didnt argue a lot, but i constantly felt this feeling of not wanting to be with him, i felt it was all a mistake. so after trying to break up with him so many times, we ended and on bad terms. some where in that time i tried my other attempt at killing myself, my body went into shock and was trying to get rid of the toxins. i had ringing in my ears, i had fainted while throwing up acid from my stomach, and horrible bowel movements… aslo sweating to such a degree that it felt like i showered. after i came to, i thought to myself about what just happne, i almost died? i was scared of that happening again, so i tried to cheer myself up and it worked for a little bit. of course at this point, i realised i was depressed and had openly admitted it to my mom. we tried to get help, they gave me meds.. mad me worse. went off of them with out telling anyone, that was that. the constant search for a boyfriend ended though because i felt miserable everytime i was with one, that antidote to my depression was over. i was living my life for a while though, happily. ended again when a guy asked me out and i though id give it a chance since… i was single for a while, thought i could handle it. that relationship was a seemingly good one, though he cheated on me and drank behind my back at some point.. which of course made it end. it was nice though when he was nice, we got along, had good chemistry.. though i did want to end it three times. now the summer is over im in eleventh grade.. here now. my life is chaos, im getting closer to graduating and dont know what to do because im not sure what i want. my friendships are everywhere because people are such fakes at this point in the game. my family life COMPLETLY GONE! my mom at this point, calls the cops on me every time we get in a arguement because thats her way of dealing it. also because theyll sent me to the hospital with actually loonies, im not crazy.. just depressed, theres a fucking difference. these people can stare at a wall all day, saying the same sentence over and over again unphased.. i know because i witnessed it the time i was in one for. i was in a adult one too, mean while i was supposed to be in one with kids my age. it was a nightmare and couldnt ever forgive my mom for it. this point of the game, im still empty and alone. i feel used again by guys, my family doesnt care, my grades are going to shit again. honestly i dont know what im going to do, the clock is ticking on me… the feelings ive had lately are becoming more and more dreadful. today is easter and im staying home by myself, alone. even though im use to staying home alone on holidays or while my family goes on vacation without me. they use to take me out with them and stuff, but i got tired of them complaining to me about my face and behavior, same with vacations. im probably going to kill myself, if nothing changes, im trying to stay strong though. how long can i stay strong for? ive been strong since i was little, i cant anymore. im starting to fall underneath all this weight, im on my knees now almost my face to the ground. when it gets to that point, im sure it will all be over for me. please if anyone can help me? i really do want it, even though i dont think it will work. also thank you, for reading my story. i know its rather long, but it needed to be heard to understand me. my life is a lonely one and i feel empty.