I’m not the best at talking or writing about how I feel inside but lately I can’t hold it inside me any longer. I can’t hide behind a fake smile anymore. I put on a show for others everyday; at school, at home, and constantly in front of my friends. I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s because I feel like if I do say what I feel, people will think that I want some type of special treatment or pity party but what they don’t realize is that this is real.
I want to be able to not smile without people asking what’s wrong, like I’m suppose to be happy because your suppose to “live life to it’s fullest” and believe that “everything happens for a reason” but when I reflect on the past all I see are unnecessary situations that tear me apart even more.
I want to be able to stay in every night without people asking why I would want to do that, like I’m suppose to jump on every oppurtunity to socialize. The truth is is that I’d take sitting alone in my room any day over going out with a few friends to have a good time. Sitting alone in my room takes no effort, but when I’m in a room full of friends I feel like I always need to impress them and act like with them is where I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder how people can be so happy. Are they truly happy? Or are they putting on a show just like me? I wish there was someone I could talk to who feels the same way as me.ΓΒ It never occured to me that maybe I am depressed, but lately I have been having these extreme lows where I just want to hide away and cry. I am constantly thinking about hurting myself, but the only thing holding me back is my mom. If she ever saw that I cut myself it would destroy her and she would immediatley blame it on herself. I need a way to take my anger and hurt out. Any suggestions?
9 comments
This was me not too long ago. To be honest, it still is me. I got tired of smiling to please others that my true natural face looks so sad. My best friend asks me all the time “what’s wrong?” even when there is nothing wrong. I’m slowly realizing that I don’t need to impress anyone or put a show on for anyone. The only way you can become truly happy is to be yourself. I know it sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but it’s true. You have to accept yourself as you are, show your true self to everyone. You may lose friends, but you’ll also gain them. The way I end my pain is by writing it down, because I have no one to talk to. You have your mother, talk to her! It feels so good to have someone just to listen, not even give advice, but just to hear what you’re dealing with or how you’re feeling. Oh, and a side note, cutting yourself is definitely not the way to go. It doesn’t take the pain away.
Bon*
hey, everything you said, i can compare to myself, what i go through… i hide my pain, i cover it with a smile at school, sometimes at home, but we both need to understand that that is not the right thing to do if we want to heal our pain, we need to let everything out with someone we trust and ask for help/advice… you will never know if a nice teacher will be the answer to your pain. and as i said, keeping the stuff in will only tear us apart more. and harming ourselves is never the answer. i want to let you know i am here for you, we all are. ill be back on tomorrow(: … because i care for you.
I always feel so much more connected to people on this website than any of the plastic people running rampant in my “real” life.
Believe me I know all too well how draining putting on the mask every morning becomes, that fake smile slowly killing everything behind it and ruining the chance of any genuine happiness. If it were up to me id sit in my and listen to music all day everyday. But i guess thats not good enough for our so called society. Doesnt matter that what i think theyve defined as “life” is meaningless and trivial. Just shut up and put on your mask cause no one wants to hear it.
Just realized how bad that last sentence sounded. I meant thats how society views people like us…not how i view you
Thank you for the help. It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels like this all the time. I’m going to try both Bons and choffelder1029’s suggestions. If you ever want to talk I’d be happy to listen or give some feedback to you also.
hey i was like that not long ago, i felt that putting on a fake smile and noone would ask whats wrong. wen u lower ur guard they will easily point it out. eventually i started cutting and someone at school noticed and told everyone, i stoped cus of that and now its forgotten. but what helped me is meeting new people who were happy and full life and all that shit. before that too i was always of saying stuff but then wen i met them i talked alot smiled and laughed, it was fun and i liked so i…(continued)
so i kept hanging out with them and makes me happy although i am still depressed but that has helped me. just try to meet ur friends friends, and i think the key is ur first impresion, but really just be yourself, come out of your shell and give your opinions, crack jokes and such. i hoped this helped but really sometimes wen u try to be happy u really can be π
hey kid
if your not happy don’t give a shit about what they think and don’t smile. You don’t need to smile if your not happy, it’s better to smile when happy than to smile when sad because people who can only smile always are empty.
Life’s full of ups and downs can’t be happy all the time
oh wow u couldn’t have said it any better u wrote how i feel…it does take no effort and w/e i agree with all of that i used to stay in my house all day everyday cause it was simple and didn’t have to worry and impress people and w/e i loved it and never had to pretend to everyone that everything was ok…im here i understand so if you wanna just talk or something im here hit me up my e-mails-mkafan12@yahoo.com