I’m not the best at talking or writing about how I feel inside but lately I can’t hold it inside me any longer. I can’t hide behind a fake smile anymore. I put on a show for others everyday; at school, at home, and constantly in front of my friends. I don’t know why I do it. I guess it’s because I feel like if I do say what I feel, people will think that I want some type of special treatment or pity party but what they don’t realize is that this is real.
I want to be able to not smile without people asking what’s wrong, like I’m suppose to be happy because your suppose to “live life to it’s fullest” and believe that “everything happens for a reason” but when I reflect on the past all I see are unnecessary situations that tear me apart even more.
I want to be able to stay in every night without people asking why I would want to do that, like I’m suppose to jump on every oppurtunity to socialize. The truth is is that I’d take sitting alone in my room any day over going out with a few friends to have a good time. Sitting alone in my room takes no effort, but when I’m in a room full of friends I feel like I always need to impress them and act like with them is where I want to be.
Sometimes I wonder how people can be so happy. Are they truly happy? Or are they putting on a show just like me? I wish there was someone I could talk to who feels the same way as me.Â It never occured to me that maybe I am depressed, but lately I have been having these extreme lows where I just want to hide away and cry. I am constantly thinking about hurting myself, but the only thing holding me back is my mom. If she ever saw that I cut myself it would destroy her and she would immediatley blame it on herself. I need a way to take my anger and hurt out. Any suggestions?