I am 19 years old.Â I have spent the past 8 years struggling with depression.Â I have tried to kill myself three times.Â I have spent time in a mental hospital.Â I meet with a therapist twice a week and a psychiatrist once a week.Â I have tried several antidepressants, which so far barely have an effect.Â Nothing works except the various recreational drugs which I use to self medicate, such as marijuana, alcohol, prescription drugs, and whatever else I can get my hands on.Â I canâ€™t remember the last time I went a full day without getting fucked up on something.
I have been cutting myself since I was twelve. Â I have scars all over my body.Â Some look accidental, but others are unmistakably self-inflicted.Â I stopped cutting myself after I was hospitalized because I am afraid that I will be sent back if I do it again.Â Now I hurt myself in other ways so no one can tell.Â I hit my head against the wall until it starts bleeding and I slap myself in the face until my rings leave a bruise.
I have wanted to commit suicide since I was thirteen, when I read a book in which one of the characters slits her wrists.Â I think about it all the time.Â I want to do it right now. Â I want to walk over to the window and jump out and splatter on the sidewalk nine stories down, so I never have to feel like this again.
I know deep down that I am a bad person.Â I lie and I cheat and I steal, sometimes for no reason other than to prove that I can get away with it.Â I am weak.Â I was born blessed with so much, and I have thrown it all away.Â I have done nothing for the people who love me but disappoint and hurt them.Â There is something wrong with me.Â There is something dark and evil that lives inside me, slowly destroying me and filling me with blackness.
To top it all off, a few weeks ago I was sexually assaulted by my childhood crush.Â He is my next door neighbor, and he also goes to the same college as me.Â I spent the night at his frat house one night because we had been hanging out and I didnâ€™t want to walk back to my dorm in the rain.Â In the middle of the night I woke up and he was touching me. Â He put his fingers inside of me.Â I didnâ€™t know what to do so I pretended I was still sleeping.Â He kept going for hours until he finally fell asleep, and I left.
Ever since then I have been getting worse.Â I barely eat or sleep.Â I do stupid, dangerous things because my life is not important to me.Â I drive too fast, I take unidentifiable drugs from people I donâ€™t know, I have unprotected sex with sketchy guys I meet at bars.Â I feel dirty.Â I want to take off all my cloths and wash all the bad things away.Â I hate myself.Â I want to claw my skin off.Â I want to be someone else.Â I want to sleep forever.Â But what I want most of all is to never, ever have to feel anything ever again.