I attempted suicide for the first time just a few days ago… I am still here, however. I took 33 sleeping pills and drank more than enough vodka to get really messed up. I’m not going to lie, I woke up the next day and hated myself even more for still being alive. There have been many horrible events in my past that to be honest I don’t even care about right now. See, I had the greatest friend in the world, he was always there for me, helped me get through any obsticle put in my way. He couldn’t of been a better friend, and I hurt him. I hurt him by not learning my lessons, by not appreciating that he always cared when no one else did, by not realizing all that he had given up for me. I was a horrible friend to him, and I hate myself for being alive even more everyday that I am here knowing that I hurt the only one who stood behind me. And now…..he is gone, he has given up on me. My father committed suicide, I guess I wasn’t a good enough daughter at the age of 8 for him to want to be around to watch me grow up and be there for me. My younger brother hates me because I didn’t protect him from my mother, I allowed her to torture him right in front of me because I was afraid of losing another parent. My older brother is drunk every day so he doesn’t have to deal with any of it. My mother hates me and everything that I am. And if i can’t even be a good friend to the ones who are there for me then why am I here? I do not want to live the life my parents lived, paycheck to paycheck, hating each other hating life. I do not wish to bring a child into this world. So what do I hate to give back to society….? NOTHING! I can’t mess up anything else. I hurt everyone around me. I know that I am sick, I cannot deny that in any way. But logically speaking the entire point to life is to give back to society to create something that will outlast you, but i will never be able to accomplish that. Is it the weak way out? Yes. Is is selfish? No. Selfish would be staying here just to hurt more people. Some people are just not cut out for this life, they just were not meant to be here and I am one of those people. Part of me wants to get better just to give back to that guy who gave me so much, but at this point I don’t think it will change much. We are not going to be friends, he has his life to get back to and move on with. He is better off without me in his life and I know he knows it deep down somewhere. Never again will I question if he cares because I know he does, maybe not as much but somewhere however small he does. But I am doing this because I care. Can’t you see that? I care so much about you that I know you are better off without me so that is what I am going to do for you. I will never hurt you again. I love you like my brother! Nothing will ever change that! And the chances of you ever coming across this is so small. But if by what ever chance you do….I care about you very much and miss you very much. And one day I will give you that hug I never got to give you, and you will know. This is because I am not good enough I don’t want to hurt anyone esspecially not you. Thank you and I am so sorry.
6 comments
I’m here sitting in my damn office, reading your stories and sympathizing with you. They may finally fire me for not working very well. Wish I had the power to destroy all these fucking endless pains, but I don’t
I tried when I was 14, I took all the asprin we had in the house. The entire bottle. I didn’t want sympathy, I wanted to never feel pain again. Obviously I didn’t die. Have I felt emotional pain since then? Oh yes, much worse than I ever imagined at that young age. But ask me if I have felt joy and I will show you pictures of three of the most beautiful children on earth, a wonderful husband, and grandchildren that bring me happiness I still feel I don’t deserve. I never tried again though the thought creeps in every decade or so mostly because I have low self esteem and struggle with some depression. But I am here to tell you, WAIT! Pray and think long and hard before you try again. If I could have seen a “Good day glimpse” of the life I have now, I would never have tried that day. I thank God I was not sucessful. Do I always have happy days? No and I can’t say you will never feel bad again, but I promise if you wait, you will one day be so very very glad you did. I wish I had the power to let you see a “Good day glimpse” in to your future, but all I can do is tell you I can guarantee it is out there if you wait for it. ♥ Life is like a mystery and we can’t jump ahead to the end, we have to read the whole book and hope they make it in to a movie with a really sexy star playing our part! ♥
Please don’t kill yourself for others… this decision is only for you to make and should only be done if you have you no doubts. I’m pretty sure your friend would rather see you in the distance then not at all, If you do kill yourselves for them then they will think it’s entirely there fault. Your father… I’m just trying to help… every face holds a story and your father had an entire life as well, I’m sure you wouldn’t kill yourself if you had kids but you’d still feel the same as you do now and would you really be able to hang on that long? I remember someone here said “you need to take your parent of that plinth and look at them as another person”… or something like that. Your father would’ve never committed suicide because of you not even the slightest thing you did would’ve contributed to it, he wanted to leave this wretched place and leave all the problems behind just like you, me and everyone else here.
“I’m pretty sure your friend would rather see you in the distance then not at all” – what you said here has stayed in my mind for the last few days
hey, i’m the same way. i mean, i hurt everyone who tries to help. i ahve costed the only guy that EVER cared to walk away, i did this to myself. i hurt him. i caused my mom to hate me, and my dad. i am a mistake, a failure. my mom is right, i should be dead. hey, maybe i’ll get my wish and not die. but you know what would be great? If i could somehow overcome this, and grow stronger. Maybe you will. I sound like a hypocrit, but i’m completely serious. everything you are facing now, will MAKE YOU STRONGER! and who knows? maybe that guy DOES care, a lot more than you think. maybe he just doesn’t want to be there for the day you kill yourself, becuase it will hurt him like hell to see you going through that.
i mean, im not him so i dont know. My dad didn’t kill himself. but my best frind(my cousin) did. So i know how it feels to think they didn’t care enough to stick around for me..but do you want other people to think that? Do you want your little brother to think that you don’t care enough to stay and be the ONLY damn good parental figure he has? I’m sure you don’t. Think before you act; thats why i’m still here. if you need any more help, i will ALWAYS be happy to help. dance.cassie.dance@hotmail.com
I know somewhere he cares, not like he used to. But who can blame him. Over and over again he tried to help but i kept falling down trying to fight the same problems that can’t ever be changed – my past. See the thing is he is married, and his wife nor himself want him to be dealing with this he has his own life to start. And im just getting in the way. Im not going to kill myself for him, im doing it because this is who i am and no matter what I can’t change that. Some people aren’t supposed to make it this is how evolution works it weeds out the weak to make room for the stronger. And maybe i am weak. I cant do this anymore though, ive hurt to many people to keep this going. And you have a good outlook sounds like you are going to make it. Thats good! And ive been thinking about this for a very long time and seems like almost every minute of everyday for the last few weeks maybe months now. There is a small part of me that knows you’re right and wants to try to fix all of this but i just dont know if its worth it…