I attempted suicide for the first time just a few days ago… I am still here, however. I took 33 sleeping pills and drank more than enough vodka to get really messed up. I’m not going to lie, I woke up the next day and hated myself even more for still being alive. There have been many horrible events in my past that to be honest I don’t even care about right now. See, I had the greatest friend in the world, he was always there for me, helped me get through any obsticle put in my way. He couldn’t of been a better friend, and I hurt him. I hurt him by not learning my lessons, by not appreciating that he always cared when no one else did, by not realizing all that he had given up for me. I was a horrible friend to him, and I hate myself for being alive even more everyday that I am here knowing that I hurt the only one who stood behind me. And now…..he is gone, he has given up on me. My father committed suicide, I guess I wasn’t a good enough daughter at the age of 8 for him to want to be around to watch me grow up and be there for me. My younger brother hates me because I didn’t protect him from my mother, I allowed her to torture him right in front of me because I was afraid of losing another parent. My older brother is drunk every day so he doesn’t have to deal with any of it. My mother hates me and everything that I am. And if i can’t even be a good friend to the ones who are there for me then why am I here? I do not want to live the life my parents lived, paycheck to paycheck, hating each other hating life. I do not wish to bring a child into this world. So what do I hate to give back to society….? NOTHING! I can’t mess up anything else. I hurt everyone around me. I know that I am sick, I cannot deny that in any way. But logically speaking the entire point to life is to give back to society to create something that will outlast you, but i will never be able to accomplish that. Is it the weak way out? Yes. Is is selfish? No. Selfish would be staying here just to hurt more people. Some people are just not cut out for this life, they just were not meant to be here and I am one of those people. Part of me wants to get better just to give back to that guy who gave me so much, but at this point I don’t think it will change much. We are not going to be friends, he has his life to get back to and move on with. He is better off without me in his life and I know he knows it deep down somewhere. Never again will I question if he cares because I know he does, maybe not as much but somewhere however small he does. But I am doing this because I care. Can’t you see that? I care so much about you that I know you are better off without me so that is what I am going to do for you. I will never hurt you again. I love you like my brother! Nothing will ever change that! And the chances of you ever coming across this is so small. But if by what ever chance you do….I care about you very much and miss you very much. And one day I will give you that hug I never got to give you, and you will know. This is because I am not good enough I don’t want to hurt anyone esspecially not you. Thank you and I am so sorry.