I haven’t really told anyone about my pain I feel. Whenever someone asks me if I’m alright I usually go into auto-pilot and act all cheerful and bubbly, like they expect me to. But I can’t go on living this life, this lie everyone expects me to live. They want me to be a professional. They want me to be a model. They want me to be perfect; like the rest of the family. I try to reach their expectations, but I always end up failing one way or another. I’m fat, I never had a boyfriend, I’m not intelligent, and I never heard a man (any man whether it is a relative or a guy) say he loves me and meant it. My own father never uttered those words to me. Throughout my life I’ve seen men come and go from my house. The various boyfriends my mother had throughout the years, and I would hear them tell her that he loves her only to break her heart in the end. Every single one of them. She’s lucky. At least she knows what it sounds like from a man’s voice. She knows the sensation one gets when their love says those words. I haven’t. I almost killed myself three times mainly from this problem I’m having. That was many years ago and since then I haven’t felt the depression. until now. But it’s not from my nonexistent love life. It’s more from the stress of college and my future. The recession has really hurt my higher education. My heart was set on this university in another state and my college tuition money were all in the stocks. I had enough money to pay for all 4 years in college and then some. When the stock market crashed, I lost 3/4 of my savings. I was only 1 month away from cashing in those stocks and putting it into my college savings account. I was forced to go to my state’s university, which I hate, abandon my plan A to become a music major to go into business, and now my plan B of getting a law degree is soon going to be a fantasy from my grades in my mandatory business-related classes that I detest. I’m going to end up living with my mother for the rest of my life. Not that that is bad, it’s just that I wanted to get my own home and have her live with me. My independence is slowly deteriorating, along with my will to live.
I almost died today. But not from my doing. From a truck driver that did not see me and almost crushed me into the wall of the highway. I almost let it happen.
But I didn’t. I needed to fight this monster life put in the cage with me.
2 comments
Welcome to 2007-Present. I wasted closed to 80k for my degree and it isn’t worth the paper that its printed on. Despite good grades, an extremely relevant and prosperous internship…nothing.
This is one of the major reasons that I devalue myself on a constant basis. The AP honors high school student with scholarships and Ivy League acceptance that had to compromise financially for State, only to now have nothing to show for it. This guy right here!
But despite my murky soul and utter contempt for all existence I offer you hope. My mother has an Anthropology bachelors and is a grant administrator who makes just over 60K a year. My father is an English and Chemistry undergrad and waited ten years into his professional career to get an MBA. He now makes close to seven figures a year as a senior executive in the banking industry. All I am trying to say to you is that these degrees are near meaningless. Your career and your professional successes are what you make of them. It’s a recession yo, if we hadn’t bailed out the financial sector we would be in another Great Depression. The last professional job interview I went to (I am in Corporate Training/HR graduated last year) there was another guy my age with a similar degree and internship experience and a 40 year old with a Master’s in Education and 20+ years of industry experience, all applying for the same entry level position. Times are though in the job market. Shit, I’m being negative again and the whole point of me posting is to try to make people NOT feel like me….
Don’t worry about school and degree’s. If you finish college even with a bachelors in Janitorial Science you still have a huge leg up on people our age. It might not be what you planned but that’s life. Look at my parents for example, their degrees have NOTHING to do with their current careers and 20 years later they are making a hearty living.
I’m not going to lie. I’m posting because I wake every morning furious that I am still alive, absolutely livid that I didn’t get rammed into the wall by the semi on the highway on my way home from work. But even without a professional career I have a job that pays the bills and gets me by. Hopefully for all of us this economy thing will turn itself around. STAY IN SCHOOL! You have come too far to waste a college education even if it currently seems worthless.
As for the whole romance thing, shit…read 75% of the posts on here. Just know, and this is coming form the worlds biggest pessimistic celibate self hating loser, that there is a man out there that you will meet who will have not the slightest interest in your appearance. Do you know why? He will be the type of person that gives his love to someone because of who they are on the inside, their personality, their quirks, their soul. He will be so infatuated with this aspect of you that he will have not a care in the world for your physical appearance. Like Shallow Hal, he will see you as divine and immaculate. He will tell you he loves you not for superficial reasons of vanity and what our awful society programs males to find attractive, but instead for who you are as a human being.
Hang in there yo, watch out for 18 wheelers….
Hi Hun, Men I tell you they are garbage. I would rather my mother be alive and tell me she loves me then any man on this earth. Why? because your mothers love will last forever. A mans love is as short as his pen#$. You still can do what ever you want with your career. I read the average person changes careers three times in their-lives.
OH and that whole fat thing, that is in your head. I’ve been a big girl most of my life and I date outside my race. Why? because men of other cultures loves us with meat on our bones. You don’t have to marry them, just go on a fun date. Your going to be great, just hang on.