Well since i was in 5th grade i have always known in some sick way that i would not live a long life. I in truth did not want one. Now i am 17 and that to me is surprising.
My life has always been hard, but sometimes as i got older life got i guess more bearable. Recently though my relationship of almost 2 years ended. This is stupid i know, but its all my fault. I cheated and the boy i cheated with meant nothing to me. I have been trying to move on, i took responsibility for what happened. But it’s like it doesn’t matter. My ex, has been harrassing me and will not leave me alone. I can’t even do anything without him coming to me. All he does is bring me down, I am in essence trapped by him. I can’t ignore him and i can’t leave him alone because i am responsible and i do miss him. But he will never give me another chance. I just wish i had some way away from him.
My life honestly is not bad. I have a great family, friends and other boys who like me. But i want no connection to people, all it does is hurt me. Everyone overcomplicates things and i hate it. I wake up every morning wanting nothing to do with people but forcing myself to. I have told two people that i want to die. They i guess don’t understand, not that i expected them to. But the least people could do is show me some kindness. I feel so trapped by people and by my life. I want nothing to do with people, i have no desire to be close to them. But they all want to know me.
I’m not happy, i haven’t been happy. I have all the things i want but i don’t want them anymore. My future is something i don’t want to think about or even try for. This world is about material and nothing else.
I hope in way by saying all of this someone can tell me something i haven’t heard already. Please don’t think this is all over a guy, honestly its about people as a whole. I’m just a nice person who has been beaten up by life and I don’t understand why? I know i want to die, if only for an exit from being so trapped by myself.
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Hello,
I have read you. I ll deal with the different issues you mention:
Believe me, you are not a bad person. I understand your boyfriend. The fact of leaving you and sticking to his decision is uncommon in todays world. I would approve that firm view and attitude if it werent for the second point. The second part, the fact of harassing you indicates that he is not leaving you just because he has strict moral views, and as a gentleman would not accept that kind of breaches. He has left you because of his anger towards you and he lashes out against you, something that disqualifies him.
So, as you can see it was an ill-starred relationship. Two kids in one word.
Yet by reading you, I dont consider you have done something irretrievable. At the age of 17 it takes to have a very strict morality to avoid tripping over a candy at a given time. If you have learned the lesson and you can incorporate it for your future baggage then you have enrichened yourself and are becoming more beautiful in the sense of a person.
Your feelings now are completely normal, and it belongs to the process. This kind of experience also sensitizes you more with regards to the outer world. You can notice more of its evil side. That is true. I dont want to say that people are nice in general when it is not so. You can attribute that to many reasons, competition and misery in a world that is running out of resources a long etc that I am sure you know.
So, what to do ? 1, 2, or 4 nice, loving people around. Stick to them. The quality of your friends will depend on the quality of yourself. Other than the cases when they are very young, say, from 10 to 18 or so when they can be loving persons yet be surrounded by assholes and thus betrayed, other than that, in adults particularly, those who complain of friends betraying them or doing them really nasty things is because they may not be much better, because people associate to others by affinities.
So, the better you become inside, the better your relationships with your chosen ones will be. And again back to the evil world out there, instead of looking into that direction, take a look at the ones who are really, really, really in dire situations, the extremely poor, the absolutely helpless etc.
So: it is not a valid argument that you complain about the bad side of the world when there are so many people (children) so vulnerable and suffering so much. help them!
I honestly do try to help people. I wish i could do more but being young and not having very many opportunities is saddening. I try to help anyone who will accept my help.
I agree with your point on my ex. He is angry and i guess very confused. I just have no understanding on if you love someone, why not be with them? no matter what you have done, its over complicating and just makes me stuck. I know what you mean, your surrounding of people reflects you as a person as well. I have seen and i know that for a fact. I know now that i do not exactly pick people who are the best for me because in my view i’m not the best person. I feel like a crappy person even though i know i’m not really.
I want better relationships but i don’t want that kind of connection. Letting another person in to hurt me is more than i can take. I know the things i talk about are petty and selfish. But i have not ever really been a selfish person. I want to help others so much, but no one wants to help me, they would rather harm me. I don’t understand. So many people in this world who are nice get things they don’t deserve, i’m sick of seeing it day in and day out. Then these people who were nice, turn into assholes over night and i never want that to happen to me, but i see it happening already. If i can take one asshole out of the world then maybe i will make a difference.
Hi,
You need to read again with more calm. Look, it says that other than in the very young, that is from 10 to 18 (and you are 17 so you are in that range of the very young) the quality of your friends depends on the quality of oneself. So, you rebelmoonwitch can perfectly be a nice girl surrounded yet by not nice people. In kids it happens. I was one of them. You cannot imagine how I was harrased by my class mates when I was 11 to 17 just because I did not have a mother as my parents were divorced. (dont be surprised, my parents I think were the only ones divorced in the country back to many years ago). So, I think I was a nice kid surrounded by evil classmates. However there were two in the class who were kind with me.
It says that it happens all too often that absolutely lovely persons (as you may be one of them) are betrayed and hurt by other kiddies because at that age relationships are often “messy”. The personality of the individual is not solid yet, it takes at least until the age of 25 for that to be reliable.
I find that the search for lovely persons to gather with, stick to and hang out is one of the most rewarding enterprises ever. And imagine, at the age of 17 it is just wonderful. You can choose so much.
So, that phrase of you, “if I can take an asshole out of the world” does not apply. On the contrary! You are the valuable person. And like I said, there are so many people in really dramatic conditions that there is task enough to keep one busy for a life time.
So. love yourself because you are a fine girl, look for nice people like you, and also, find chances to help people like I said, who are worse off.
Hugs
O