Confused and tired

  May 4th, 2010 by void878

I don’t know where to begin and this is the first time I have shared any of these feelings before. I’ve had a pretty messed up life since I was 10 and now I’m 18 and sometimes my life just gets so much more complicated that it already was, and so annoying and stressful that it all mounds up into a big load of stress and depression in my mind. I have insomnia because at night all I think about is how to get myself out of this mess. I think I could have depression because theres times when I am really happy and just getting on with life, and then the next minute, in some random spurt I am sad, upset and lonely. It is like I feel there is nothing to be happy for anymore so theres no point and I am nothing.  But I don’t want to tell anyone about it for I fear that they will just class me as some sort of freak and tell me that the doctors is the best option.
I have had a terrible relationship with my stepdad since he became involved in my mothers life around 7 years ago. He upsets me constantly and no one stands up for me, I have walked out before and moved in with my dad, but that saddens me more because then I don’t see my mom, or my brothers and sisters. So I just end up forgiving him and getting myself into even more stress when another worser argument occurs. A few months ago though it was the last straw and after a pathetic argument he finally told me to fuck off and never come back, and kicked me out. In a way I was happy because that was it, that big load on my mind was removed because I didn’t have to put up with him anymore. But instead of doing the normal thing and getting upset and going to my dads, I just walked off for hours, not answering my masses of missed calls. This added with other small things that get me down, made me think about suicide. I was so angry and lonely and annoyed that my mom hadnt even stopped my stepdad for calling me an evil bastard and kicking me out, that I just wanted to get it over and done with and end it. But then I thought why should I let him win, let him ruin my life for 7 years and then even end it for me too. Luckily my cousin found me and took me home, and I saw sence that there are people that care, such as him.

Since then I have continued living at my dads which is fine, but lonely and whilst I have been here on my own when my dad has been at work or having fun of his own, I have just become encaged in a world of sadness and loss of hope, loss of interest, loss of motivation, loss of energy, loss of will, loss of concentration, loss if sleep, even loss of sense?
I have never had a boyfriend and I think that this is a main problem. I’ve got my hopes up with boys and they have let me down, used me or just not been genuine. I recently got talking to a guy and we got on incredibly well, he had similar problems and I trusted him enough to tell him some of mine. We met and I genuinely felt happy whenever I was with him, he trusted me with his problems, I trusted him and we could talk for hours, we grew really attatched and I thought he was the one. and I thought he meant it when he said he loved me. Until I secretly discovered that I think he just does the same with other girls too, acts sweet and genuine and gives off the impression you are the only one he trusts and loves when really thats not the case. I think that I am so willing to give my heart away to someone that I just fall for anoyone who shows any care and consideration. I just want someone, but it seems too hard to find anyone. This was Sunday and I cried myself to sleep that night and then this is when the similar thoughts all come rushing back. I have self harmed before but I don’t want to get back into that, it didn’t act as a sense of trying to kill myself, but just some release of anger.

Couldn this just be depression, or me just over reacting?
or am I just over exhausted from not getting enough sleep and having a stressful time from school and what has recently happened at home?

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