I’ve often thought that the best choice for me is suicide. And most of the time, I don’t even know why.
My life isn’t as bead as others; I still have both parents, they aren’t divorced or fighting (much), I don’t have a loved one who’s died or been killed… but I still can’t handle living.
Every day… I can’t figure out what I’m doing. I have no control… hardly any friends… And I know it’s stupid, but I get really upset over two stupid things: looking the way I do, and not having anyone like me as more than a “friend”.
I have two different personalities– the fake, for school, (+ moods) & the real me, at home, (- moods).
Inside, my mind is a constant turmoil. I can’t do anything right… why am I even alive… no one wants me, why haven’t they gotten rid of me… what do I do…
Why can’t I just die already?
I want to just get a gun, and blow my brains out, but I can’t, and it’s so frustrating that I’ve head mental breakdowns over it. I have no way to get a hold of anything that I can use to kill myself.
I’ve tried talking about it, but everyone just says that I want attention. I want to kill them, too, for daring to think that they know me, that they know what I’m thinking.
They probably don’t even know my name.
What do I do?
I’ve tried asking for help… only to get brushed off. (“You’re so funny! I didn’t know you could act emo! That act was PERFECT!” ….. “I wasn’t acting…” ….. “Ha! There you go again, nice one! The face was awesome!!!” ….. “Um… no, seriously….”)
I’ve tried to kill myself, but there are no sharp objects in my house that aren’t under lock and key… and I’ve spent years searching for the keys. I don’t have any privacy, so I would be found out within minutes.
My thoughts are constantly jumbled… but you could probably tell, if you’re reading this.
I’m losing what sanity I have left, and no one even cares,