Feelings of Hopelessness

I am so very grateful to have this website since it gives me the opportunity to vent. I have been having nightmares ever since I found out that there’s a great possibility that I may be hiv positive. I have already mentally prepared myself for the worst and feel like just ending this crappy life that leads us to the same place. They told me to wait until God makes that decision, but I really don’t like playing russian roulette. I want answers and I don’t know where to find them. My family don’t really care about me otherwise they would have shown up to visit me and I only have one good friend.  I don’t think a lot of people will be affected by my disappearance except for my son.  People tell I’m being selfish and I’m not thinking about their feelings but what about my feelings? I have a boyfriend but he doesn’t quite understand the concept of life. He just plays ps3 all day and leaves me alone which is the worst thing that you can possibly do. I feel so lonely sometimes and the pressures of fiting in are extremely debilitating. I really looked forward to finishing college but can not focus enough to get through. I’m so angry because I did everything on my  behalf to protect myself and now I’m faced with an inevitable sentence that cannot be reversed. WHY?