Basically, I’ve been suicidal since I was about seven years old. All in all that’s not as long as it seems, seeing as I’m only turning thirteen on Monday. Maybe it is a sort of long time, six years… yeah. Anyway, it all started when I found out my dad was a drug addict. He had been addicted since before I was even born, and it hurt that nobody had the nerve to tell me before. They all had lied to me about where he was when he went to the… I want to say eight rehabs he’d been to, where he was when he was in jail, all those times. After finding that out I had slipped into severe depression, which even after being in a mental hospital twice, being put on medications, seeing a psychiatrist, is still present.
I was in fourth grade the first time I cut myself. I was probably eight years old. I can remember it perfectly. I thought I’d never do it again after that first time, and I didn’t want to, but for some reason whenever I’d feel hurt I would go back to it. And I kept going back over and over and over. I was ten or eleven when I became addicted to it. I would cut multiple times daily, sometimes for no reason at all. My problem continues to get worse, and I can’t stop.
My suicidal thoughts have never went away. They’re always there. And in some part of me, I always find myself wishing I was dead. Sure, I have friends, about six of them. I really only want two of them, my best friend, and my boyfriend(which sounds dumb at my age, but we’ve been together for a little over two months and I don’t plan on leaving him anytime soon). I have a thing against humans. I hate humans in general, but I love a few of them personally. I don’t understand why, but whatever.
I’m scared to live. I’m scared to see what my life will turn out like, all of that. I know I wasn’t meant to live. And if I was, I wasn’t meant to be human. I should be an anteater or a weasel or something along those lines. I don’t know what will happen when I die, but I know it’ll be better than living. I wonder what happiness feels like? And I wonder how I can get rid of the pain I feel, these terrible thoughts, all of that…
4 comments
uhmrawrz,
I was wondering.
Poor girl, born and live without a proper parenting from the father.
How nice would she to hear her father telling her that he loves her.
But was she born an angel to her father ?
How would his father feel, if oneday the daughter holding her father’s hands and looking deeply into his eyes, saying “you are my father, no matter what, I love you, really, I do.”
I know parent-problems are difficult to overcome, but you have to let go of your father. If he has been to rehab that many times and hasn’t gotten better, he never. Drug addictions are powerful things. They completely change a person.
I was in your same position. I did not grow up with a father. I felt rejected. He never said “happy birthday” or congratulated me on my awards and competitions. He was/is a cocaine and marijuana addict and is currently serving for a long period of time in prison. For the longest time, I somehow felt it was my fault he became that way. I thought he was perfectly fine before my birth, but I caused him to become that way. For me, and you, our fathers are not the way they are becasue of us. I have let my father be the person he is and moved on with my life. Sure, I get sad about him sometimes, but I know that if he ever changes for real, I will be there with him. It won’t happen anytime soon.
Try not to let his behavior get the best of you. Obviously, if you are feeling badly now, he did a hell of a bad job. You can live withought him. What about your mother? I’m sure she loves you and hates to see you this way. My mom was like that for me.
Hello,
Well, as I read, the first urgent thing I saw was and is that you need to do something about your cutting. Naturally you cannot manage the drive on your own. So, since we definitively are going to support you and (aside from some nuts guys) most of us will give you very good advices, please follow through.
You need a person who is two things at the same time. A professional and a friend. Choose that professional a woman, yes, otherwise that will end like an affair, I have no faith in men when it comes to dealing with young girls. That professional, I am talking for psychological support, to prevent the consequences of your feeling down. If your boyfriend dumps you or does something bad to you, you cannot find yourself on your own.
So, where to get the shrink or the pyschologist. The Social services must
put one for you for free at your disposal or also enquirying at school. In England basically every child has a father who is a drug addict, and that is customary. Your English was so perfect that I thought you were British or American. Anyway, in other countries that is available too. We can help you find one if you dont know how to.
When you say that you have had suicidal thoughts since the age of 6 is absolutely understandible, you were a victim of a very sad situation, specially girls act like that. Guys become violent, Girls mostly become depressed. This is general, not a strict rule. You have come this far, we dearly ask you to stay communicating with us, telling us how you are doing and what positive steps you are taking.
The other aspect is that it is very noticeable that you are intelligent, insightful and for that and because you are 13, and because your fabulous potential to live a life of true happiness, because other than very down and sad now you are fine in the rest the option of suicide is a “no way”.
It would be an irreparable loss for all of us, and for everybody who is going to know you in life.
Yes, about hating humans, I can understand that, but dont focus on that. Select and stick, select and stick to the good ones. Be very selective, you will spare yourself lots of headaches and heartaches.
So, now that you have contacted us, keep in mind that we care from now on.
Hugs
O
Thanks oracle. I really do appreciate it, like, more than you’ll ever know.