Basically, I’ve been suicidal since I was about seven years old. All in all that’s not as long as it seems, seeing as I’m only turning thirteen on Monday. Maybe it is a sort of long time, six years… yeah. Anyway, it all started when I found out my dad was a drug addict. He had been addicted since before I was even born, and it hurt that nobody had the nerve to tell me before. They all had lied to me about where he was when he went to the… I want to say eight rehabs he’d been to, where he was when he was in jail, all those times. After finding that out I had slipped into severe depression, which even after being in a mental hospital twice, being put on medications, seeing a psychiatrist, is still present.
I was in fourth grade the first time I cut myself. I was probably eight years old. I can remember it perfectly. I thought I’d never do it again after that first time, and I didn’t want to, but for some reason whenever I’d feel hurt I would go back to it. And I kept going back over and over and over. I was ten or eleven when I became addicted to it. I would cut multiple times daily, sometimes for no reason at all. My problem continues to get worse, and I can’t stop.
My suicidal thoughts have never went away. They’re always there. And in some part of me, I always find myself wishing I was dead. Sure, I have friends, about six of them. I really only want two of them, my best friend, and my boyfriend(which sounds dumb at my age, but we’ve been together for a little over two months and I don’t plan on leaving him anytime soon). I have a thing against humans. I hate humans in general, but I love a few of them personally. I don’t understand why, but whatever.
I’m scared to live. I’m scared to see what my life will turn out like, all of that. I know I wasn’t meant to live. And if I was, I wasn’t meant to be human. I should be an anteater or a weasel or something along those lines. I don’t know what will happen when I die, but I know it’ll be better than living. I wonder what happiness feels like? And I wonder how I can get rid of the pain I feel, these terrible thoughts, all of that…