I already tried to kill myself in November 7, 2009, after I found out my ex had a new girlfriend. Clearly that did not work, and I ended up in a mental hospital for a week. Lately I had been feeling like my meds (Prozac) and therapy were finally working, but when I asked my ex if we could get back together he said no, and I feel all those thoughts returning again. I’m so ashamed for letting a man have so much control over my emotions. I wonder what is wrong with me that I feel like this? And I wonder why everyone else is so much happier? I don’t even care about this ex so much, I just hate the feeling of being rejected and feeling alone, lonely, and unloved. I found this website by googling “i hate this world” because I do. The irony of  it all is that I am training to be a doctor! I love helping others, but I can hardly help myself. F this s.
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4 comments
‘What is wrong with me?’
Nothing. Nothing at all. Depression is a natural phenomenon. The fact that you are able to see the pointlessness of life doesn’t make you WRONG, it makes you more awake than those who say that they are ‘happy’.
I know exactly how you feel, as i’ve been & still am there myself,
it only seems to get worst as the years go on, my dad picks on me alot & makes me feel like hurting or killing myself cause he makes me cry feel bad about myself, he gets off doing this to me all the time, my own sisters don’t want nothing to do with me no more, my niece dislikes me, there was a time when we was close, my best friend is avoiding me like a plague, a life with no love & loneliness really sucks, feeling like i don’t belong & wrong about my life, infact living everyday is a endless battle for me, as it seems i never get some kind of break as i get deeper in debt too,
i tried Prozac & zanax pills but it only gets me dizzy & bad headache,
so i stopped taking it, cause i felt worst then before, i think about my life – when is it going to get better, also think about suicide alot, how i would kill myself as it plays over & over in my mind, that someday for me maybe soon down the road.
‘i tried Prozac & zanax pills but it only gets me dizzy & bad headache’
I have been on citalopram, sertraline, fluoxetine, clomipramine, diazepam and most recently the anti-psychotic quetiapine. Each of these, aside from the side-effects (of varying seriousness, from tremours to blacking out) did little to treat my condiction. My GP infact told me that he felt like he was ‘experimenting’ medication on me, because he had no idea what to do. That was just one of several reasons I stopped seeing him.
I have not been on any medication for the past four weeks or so, and I simply have to admit that my suicidal tendencies have subsided. Of course, there is no telling how long this will last for- and my mind is still permenantly in a state of confusion, but in general it seems that as the meds are removed from my system, things seem much more… ‘normal’. Not at all clearer, but much more tolerable and normal.
I’m not saying this can apply to anyone’s situation… it just seems that for me, at this particular time, the medication didn’t work and there isn’t much else I can try that will possibly have an effect on my OCPD and depression. And staying away from it for a short while has made things seem less desperate.
But I don’t even know if I WANT this to last, because I have a set suicide date in my diary… and if I get to that point and still feel relatively alright, I am torn between my feelings telling me to live and my plan telling me to die. And thus far, the plan is how I have lived.
Anna, can you please tell me–why do you want to die?