I know what I’m going to do. Monday morning, no ifs or buts. There is a multi storey car park. I’m going to listen to my music one last time and have one last cigarette. I’ve written a note for my mum and my sister but I will ring them one last time, just to hear their voices one last time. Then I’m going to just let myself fall. I’m just tired of living. I’ve been through too much to believe that life will get better. The world is a depressing and evil place and I for one have no intention of living on to see more death, more destruction, more greed and more deceit. I used to be a small carefree boy, with a loving family and nothing to worry about. His name was James. James died a long time ago, more years ago than I care to remember. I have no idea who I am or what my purpose is. All I do is bring misery and suffering to people and I’m so sick and tired of it, I would never intentionally harm another human being at all. What is this life for anyway? Is it just to show us how futile how it is, how we’re all set to fail no matter what? I love everyone I’ve ever met, I love my family, my friends, they all mean the world to me but the problem is I just don’t love myself. I can’t take it anymore.
1 comment
Hi
Well, you write you have loving persons around. You love them and they love you too. Some people would give i dont know what to have just that.
You write also that the world is disgusting. Well, nobody can deny that there is a lot of filth out there. I don´t deny it but I am seeing some friends of mine being loving persons and really doing quite a lot of good things in this world, let alone the people who needs a lot and has just nothing. Believe it or not, they are happy people. I am not by they are. so what I mean by this is that happiness is a possible and factual thing for many people. Not for me, but for some is.
You talk that you dont love yourself and that you have gone through a lot. That seems to be a key thing to talk about and in your case it pretty much sounds it would be a horrible thing that you dont stop to solve that key thing instead of harming you.
Have you seen how many people come to this site because they have lost someone on a suicide ? imagine what you would unchain in your family and loved ones. I shiver at the thought.
it”.
You can always postpone it. If you can replace the cigarrette by a chocolate pie, a big one. Then some KFC chicken, then diet coke. They are worst than the cigarrete, believe me.
So, now organize in a good analysis what is what makes you feel bad, and what you think that would fix things and post it here.