At the age of 19, in November of 2008, I hung myself and lived. Â There are woodenÂ dowels caddy-cornered in my room. Â I tied a towel around one and put my head through until I passed out. Â When I woke up, my head was still hung in such a way that I shouldn’t have.
I was involuntarily baker-acted. Â For about a year I was on Lexapro. Â Now, I’m on a drug called Pristiq. Â I take vitamin B12 on top of that.
Still, I am seeing a psychiatrist. Â It doesn’t help. Â I have nightmares every single night and no one really cares about them, but to me they feel real. Â My psychiatrist said I should just sleep less. Â I have tried everything: watching happy movies, a balanced diet, a good sleep schedule and routine-none of it helps.
I’m still planning to kill myself. Â I bruise myself instead of cutting because bruises fade and cuts leave scars. Â I’ve downed a bunch of aspirin before too. Â I try not to focus on suicide, but I know it’s still a thought within me.
I would be missed if I left this world, but people don’t realize that they are selfish for wanting me to live.