I’m a fucked up human being.

I’m not really looking for help , because there is just nothing that can be done , I was just born this way and no matter how hard i have tried to change it in the past , I cant. The only way for me to free myself from this personality , from this existance is to … pull the trigger.

I degrade women, I  couldn’t care less about their personalities. The only thing I care about is their curves  , ass , breasts , waistline. Their face , is it perfect, imperfect , bearable , cute , ugly , dog ugly. If I meet a woman out the first thing I look at is their ass, I dont care about who they are, although I want to care , I coudn’t be bothered trying to be romantic, although I love romance. If she’s not a slut and not easy i’ll call her a ***** and walk away, . If I kiss a woman and she’s not very good looking I will avoid her the next day and never speak to her again , if she is good looking I will chase after her. I hate how almost all women , all good looking women think that your trying to chat them up even when you just want to talk with them, brighten their day.I worry how I’ve never had a girldfriend and that I will never have one , or if the opportunity comes I won’t know how to act.

I’m just getting started guys.

I worry about everything. The most important thing to me is what people think of me. I don’t like standing out , but I also hate being ignored, I feel like they don’t think good of me, when i’m ignored. I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody. If you do something everyone will know about it. I kissed one of my friends ugly sister. She is a lovely person, but I’m not attracted to her at all. I cant look at her sober. I avoid her at all costs. Everyone knows that I kissed her by the way.

I can’t stop worrying about 2012 and the end of the world. I cant stop worrying that I will die a virgin. I cant stop worrying about world hunger , poverty , racism, sexism. I go insane when peoples rights are ignored. I worry about bullying , about people who get bullied , how do they feel. I want to knock the teeth out of every bully I see, every human being that I see being unfair or treating others different, teasing them. I’m scared that I will spend the rest of my life at this computer , not living life but playing games and ignoring the world.

I hate when I see a happy couple. I hate when my friends meet someone and develop a relationship , become boyfriend and girlfriend. I feel better when they break up. I feel pathetic when they get back together. I cant stand people who are in a relationship.

I would to anything to have a deep relationship with someone. But she has to be good looking. I cry when I think about how im all alone.

My dream since the age of 6-7 of being a proffesional basketball player has gone to shit as I started smoking , drinking , and I quit playing basketball. I watch professional basketball games and wish that was me. I worry about my body. I want to have a lean muscular body but I couldnt be bothered working out and I hate myself for it. I’m a preety big guy , and I try to act tough , but i’m a coward and I worry that people are starting to notice it. I hate my voice , it’s too childish and innocent. I try to talk in a different tone , but I think it comes out weird and people think I try too hard or that im weird. My friends use to ring me all the time and ask me if i wanted to go out , but i wanted to stay at home and play the pc or i didnt want to be seen with them , so i often turned them down. Now very rarely people ring me . I stay at home most of the time and I hate my self because of it.

I’ve got the most important summer of my life coming up. Exams , which will decide my future. If I go to college or get a job and work pay check to paycheck for the rest of my life.I cannot stand school , I cant stand the people in it , yet when I miss a day i worry that I wont pass my exams this summer. I worry if I dont get into college what should i do with my life? On top of everything i wrote above.

I cannot stop worrying. My head is about to go. I’m about to loose my sanity. This isnt healthy , and I know it.

So, you think your fucked up ?

I know this post makes no sense , but it feels good to be honest with myself. I look at what I wrote and I’m a fucked up human being .. I dont know what I want, and how can i find it if I dont know what it is?