I’m not sure why I bother

  May 24th, 2010 by pointlessburden

I think I’m here hoping that venting out some of my feelings might help me make it through. Maybe make me feel better. I won’t say happy just better.

I’m 37 years old and I’m a screw up. I’m finally the end of  horrible 10 year marriage, with a mentally ill person.

In the past few weeks I’ve seem to have lost just about everything.  The worst being the most perfect person I’ve ever met. She made me feel happy and content in ways I can’t explain, and I thought it was the same for her. Our only problem was distance. And in truth me, I screwed up I didn’t do all the things I needed too do and my life started to fall apart. And it scared her she lost faith in me. And I understand she was worried about waiting around for me when I wouldn’t be able to ever see her that much. So she met up with an old friend. And in a matter of hours I went from someone she loved so much and meant the world too, to just some guy.

The worst thing is I can’t talk to anyone about this. First off when I say she was the one, most will tell me to just get over it and I’ll find someone else. Thing is she was perfect she still is, and there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to make this up to her and make her happy. But now she’s with someone new that makes her just as happy.

I’m sure I can met someone else, and I’ll be kind of happy but I’ll never be as happy as I was with her. I’m not just saying this. My happiness was noticeable to my friends when I was with her. They pointed out how they never saw me like that with anyone before.

Everything about her was to me perfect, she was everything I ever wanted in a friend and a lover. And really I thought it was the same for her. At least that’s what she told me. But she went off with another guy so fast I’m just not sure what to believe.

I know I’m rambling sorry.

For awhile now I’ve been under the impression I’m just not meant to be happy. That something will always happen to make me miserable. Then I met her and I thought I was wrong and maybe I could have happiness. But she’s off with someone else only giving me her pity now instead of the love she used to give me. I don’t know.

I’m not sure why I’m bothering anymore. The main reason I haven’t killed myself is fear. As much as I want to die, I’m scared too. But more and more that fear is going away. Of course because of her I can’t kill myself cause suicide has touched her life in a very bad way. So if I did and she found out it might destroy her. Then again it might not, she might not even care.

Sorry if you’re reading this, it’s my first post and there is a lot on my mind.

I guess my problem is, what’s the point of living when you can’t even make the one you love the most happy? She’s everything to me and in the end I’m almost nothing to her.

I”m going to stop here. Next time I post I’ll put something better.

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