You would think that being different would work for you.I handle all my personal business like a good person. I mean you’ve seen or heard about that guy thats not a typical idiot, that wants only to be happy and someone to share it with. All he ever thinks about is doing for others in the hopes that others will be just as kind if not than more so. Of course your family will say they love you. BUT THATS WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO. It’s only natural for them to say I love you. But its a whole different story when someone from outside your sphere of influence (friends, family) tell you “I love you”. I think the more I try the further I push my self away from who I am. Like im looking at myself staring at me. Each of us contemplating who to react, always simulating what are the odds. I think the less I try the more I go unnoticed. Trying to blend in creates a sense of lonesomeness because I know on the inside that all is not alright.
Im afraid of the tendencies to wander,Â forgetfulness, and sometimes persistent aggravation. I feel secluded and I can only manage to temporarily keep myself content. I remember trying to hang myself because I thought my family hated me. But as I grew up I learned that my miserableness came from within. WHAT IM TRYING TO SAY IS, THE GIRL I COULD SEE MY LIFE WITH FROM NOW ON CHOSE TO KEEP ME AS A FRIEND. ITS A COLD THING TO SAY, I MEAN I PUT MY THOUGHTS OUT IN THE OPEN AND GOT SHOT DOWN. Kinda reminds me of that phrase, Killing me Softly. Except that I put a lot of hope into this one because she was so different. She isnt a model, a cheerleader, ms. popular. Just a reallyÂ intelligent girl. This all keeps reminding me of all the times before, but the person that suffers the most is me. No matter how sorry they claim to be, or how hard I try to numb myself.
Just from reading this message over and over, im keep reminding myself why I get flashes to kill myself, to end the repeated cycle. I want it to end, hopefully I wont have to die to end it all/