Exactly one week ago tonight, my girlfriend and I were on vacation at a resort – having a few drinks in the nightclub. My girlfriend was dancing, the smoke was getting to me, so I went for a little walk to get some fresh air. My sense of direction isn’t the best, perhaps my girlfriend assumed I’d gone back to our room. But I eventually made my way back to the nightclub the back way past the swimming pool, and to my surprise, I saw my girlfriend nude, in the pool, screwing some younger guy she’d been dancing with in the club.
I’m not a violent person. I’ve never had a firearm in my hand, was never in a fistfight, but for a brief fleeting moment, I very well could have used a weapon had I had one in my possession. This quick flash of jealousy combined with shock, humiliation and anger was a very potent cocktail, something I’d never experienced before.
Nevertheless, when she got out of the water and sheepishly tried to offer some sort of explanation, I found I couldn’t say anything. It was like I was in shock…I couldn’t get any words out. Instead, I went to the room, packed my bag, went to the airport and caught the first flight home.
You should understand, I’m no kid. I’m 50+ years old, the affluent one. She is considerably younger, need I say the “less” affluent one. We’re an unmarried couple, but I thought we had more of a commitment to each other than this!
….shockingly, now, a week later, I feel an overwhelming sadness and a sense of loss that’s indescribable. I grieve what we had, the fun, the travel, and what I thought we’d have in the future. I also can’t help but feel like an old fool, an idiot. How could I be so naive, stupid?
I also grieve getting old.
Did you ever see the Steve Martin movie “Shopgirl?” I feel a little bit like Martin’s character, Ray Porter. In the end, the love interest, Claire Danes, chooses the younger man in part because of Ray Porter’s (the affluent older guy’s) blunders and mis-steps. He mis-reads, misunderstands and is insensitive to Claire Danes’ situation in part because they’re of two different generations. Also because Porter doesn’t want to be part of her generation, he’d grown past that.
Does my post game analysis make me feel any better? No. I feel hurt, anger, disbelief, sadness and am overwhelmed. You’d think at my age I’d have the life experience and coping skills to deal with this, but I don’t. It still hurts.
One last random thought before I go. When I look back at my life, will I say “I had no regrets??” NO – that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I have LOTS of regrets. How can you not regret having hurt someones feelings? having lied to someone? having made a mistake that cost us a relationship? or a child’s respect?
Will I harm myself tonight? Probably not, because some smart person decided to start a website where depressed suicidal people write their stories down….pretty smart idea.
I appreciate the opportunity – and I sincerely appreciate all those who took a minute to read it. Thank you.