I’d like to make it all stop, even though i know its not the right thing. I wouldn’t have to guts to do it, i wouldn’t be that stupid becuase i know it’s not the right thing for me. There is so much more out there. But i dont feel like going on with what i’m doing in my life. I at some point want to die, and want to disappear. I don’t give a shit about many of the people who seems to care for me, and i’m so tired of it all. I wanna go, but i dont want the action to take place. I’d love to be gone, but i cant leave. I’m sick and tired of it all.
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I was glad to see your ‘name’ pop up, but not so glad to see how you feel. And I do know how that feels. Often lately, I’ve just had to keep reciting “it will get better” over and over and over… And the thing is, I do know this to be very true as long as I will try. As much as I haven’t felt like trying most of the time for about 3 years now. But I’ve been here before and I’ve seen real miracles happen in my life. Things I could have never imagined for myself. NEVER! That proof is probably why I’m still alive now. And as empty as this may sound, if I could do it, anyone can rise!
So I just have to do it again. A little different way, a little different circumstances, but I have to get on with the adventure. A step at a time; eyes, heart and imagination open.
JustThoughts, I really hope you can start to feel the victory and beauty of your potential. Yes you do have it. Dream. Feel where you want to be going. You don’t have to wait until you get there to enjoy it. Take some steps just to take steps They don’t have to be big or perfect or even right as long as you’re trying to move to beauty. Move and the universe starts to move with you. Inertia. Doors will open. You will once again have vision of the beautiful stuff and not the heavy blank wall of now.
Just my opinion, but based on what I’ve been through.
Peace & Love
I know your right somewhere inside. But the words just seem so empty sometimes, words can’t argue feelinge, thats how i feel. I know it’s a terrible reply to what your saying. I can see your point, and i’m sure your “right” but, this is how i feel, and there aren’t anything i know i can do to change it, but hope. And feelings are so heavy on me. And what your saying is so dreamish right now.
I think it’s a pretty good reply to what I said. Honestly, I can feel just what your saying, as I’ve been there too often and still get there at times. At times words just sound like how they made adults sound in Charlie Brown shows; Wha, Wha, Wha Wha. Remember? I just hope you will keep even the slightest ray of hope for the dreamish things. I also hope somebody else comments to you so you can here from another view. Do you speak to anyone about these feelings?
Take Care Buddy
First of all, you wrote that you were glad to see my name pop up on the list again. Why? If my name wasn’t here that would mean that i either took the disicion and killed myself, or i had left these thoughts – and went on, in a happier life. But you were glad to see my name, why?
I only know one person strong and mature enough to be able to talk to this about, and i’ve talked with that person about me and suicide once. And it helped, but i’m still not trusting this person enough to be able to share everything.
What your saying is all very great, and sure, i guess i see your point. But i dont know how much longer this is going to work for me, this life – Everything. I think you are doing everything you can to prevent me from doing the “wrong” thing, by that i mean taking my own life. dont get me wrong. I believe that suicide is the right thing for some people. My grandfather killed himself. He was alcoholic and a junkie. He left our family, and somebody loving and caring took his place. I sure do miss him, even though he was unplesant company for the most times. But somebody “better” took his “place”. I really hope you see and reply on this.
In saying I was glad to see your name pop up, this would be because I thought you would post to update your situation or just to continue to talk to others. If you just stopped, I wouldn’t know what’s up and probably would think you were closing down or had committed suicide. I didn’t think I needed to clarify that but was obviously wrong. As empty as you may feel my words are, they are heartfelt and sincere.
I know my reasons for wanting to see you post here my sound selfish, not taking into consideration what may be best for you, but only what I want for you. Yes it is partly selfish, but I can’t help but to hope that things work out for you as far as being able to have a beautiful life. Criticize me for being selfish in that way if you like, but I just seem to be stuck with that mentality.
As far as suicide being the right thing for some people, I do agree with that. But for me to encourage someone on that, I would most definitely have to know them very well. So, as my knowledge of people on this website is limited, I will only comment in a way representative of my experiences in life, and hope that it may resonate with someone. People can just blow off these comments, but if I were to encourage someone to take their life, it could just be the final straw that led to someone’s suicide. And this could have been someone who eventually would have worked things out.
There are enough people on this site encouraging suicide so I don’t feel a need to contribute to that. I have tried to commit suicide quite a few times, though only coming very close to succeeding twice. One in 2007 and one in 2009. At this point in my life, though I continue to struggle often with deep depression, I am very glad I did not succeed in suicide and am slowly but surly moving forward.
I haven’t come to this site to be some savior, I am here because I have my own issues to work out and it helps me in listening to other’s stories and reading comments. It opens my mind. And in sharing some of my life, I hope that that may be at least a little bit of hope for someone.
I am not some do-gooder. I was led here because of my own hell. I don’t want for myself to have to stay there and knowing how terrible the feeling is, I surely don’t wish others to be there either.
At some point i understand your point, that you were glad to see my name again. But i don’t know what you expect of my posts – I don’t think i’d be able to write “All better now, thanks” if that was the case. I would like to keep you updated on how i feel and what my life is, but i’m afraid that you wouldn’t care for that much information, as you do yourself have “a life”. At some point i really feel connected to your words and you. It might be because they vary so much in value to me. They are at one minute the most true and valuable information i have been giving for a long time – and the next minute they are useless, hollow letters put into a random order, and luckily make up some sort of sentence. But sometimes checking this post has been some of the best things for me on a certain day, at a certain time. So for that i thank you.
I do really like this way of talking to people about my situation, because i don’t have to feel obligated to think about what your first thoughts are about what i tell you. And if i do, i only feel posetive things coming out of it. + I dont have to “trust” you, or anybody who reads this, dont get me wrong, i do trust you, but it is a hard process for me, getting to trust somebody. It takes long time and work.
I like the way you write and appreciate your honesty. I really don’t believe I have expectations for your posts. Unfortunately, one thing I wouldn’t expect is to see “All better now”, so soon. I’m just going on my own situations, past and present, and know it takes time. But there really are no expectations. Well I did have one, and that was just that I thought you might keep communicating with this site, as you seemed to get something from it. Trust me on this one, when I wrote that I was glad to see your name pop up, I really had to think about how that sounded; wondering if it sounded like I was happy to see things hadn’t worked out because I liked conversing with you. I guess I could have phrased it differently.
You are very welcome to write me anything you want to. I really don’t think I can correctly express this to you, but the only thing that would bother me about any information you wanted to share, would be if you didn’t share it. And of course I mean only things you want to share. I’m not being nosy and am always willing to share my stories too. You’re welcome, very welcome, to contact me at peaceyeswecan@gmail.com if at times you’d rather send something there.
In writing ideas to you, it is also a way for me to remember things I need to apply to my own life. Corresponding with you has been beneficial to me in many ways, but your honesty is greatly appreciated as it keeps me in check by making me think even more about about what I write. ‘Do I really believe this’? ‘Do I think this is a good path’. ‘Is this a method I may take in this situation?’ It has to be real, or I feel I’d be screwing you and me.
Sorry to write so long again, as I tend to ramble on when I’m trying to make a point.
I Do Wish You The Best,
John
I wrote you a comment, but because I included my e-mail address, it has to be screened. I noticed that applies to comments inclusive of e-mail addresses.