My story

  May 5th, 2010 by chigirl

Thanks to whoever put up this website.  This is a great idea.  Much more helpful to let people going through a hard time talk things out themselves than just give them the generic advice of “don’t do it.”

I’m going through a rough time.  The last 6 months, really, have been rough. I’ve thought about committing suicide several times.  It would be very easy for me – I live in a high rise and have a balcony that I could jump off of onto cement.  Ok yeah sure people say that even with a high fall you might not die, you may just be paralyzed or have some sort of mental damage… at least in any case I wouldn’t have to deal with my life anymore.  The only thing that has held me back a few times is thinking about how horrible it would be for my husband if I did that.

I am sort of afraid that one night I am going to lose it and I really am going to jump.  The sane part of me doesn’t want to, because actually I’m afraid of dying, and also because of my husband.  But the part of me that is frustrated and fed up with just about everything about me and my life wants to jump, very badly.

I have sought help.  I’m seeing a therapist.  I can’t say that it hasn’t helped me, because it has in some ways.  But I feel like whatever progress I make, I still eventually backslide and get back to this point where I’m thinking that I can’t stand myself, and I don’t want to be here anymore.

My job is killing me.  I work from 8 am to 6 pm every day.  When I get home I am dead tired.  Nobody listens to me at work even when I have good suggestions.  I feel most of the time that nobody cares what I am working on, and what I’m working on is busywork.  Most of all, I’m not passionate or even that interested in my job.  I switched from an old job for this very reason.  So I feel like, if I switched again, the same thing would probably happen at a new job.

I do not have a single friend, other than my husband.  Sure, I have acquaintances, but I don’t have anybody  who I could share a funny story with, or just go see a movie.  This hurts me a lot.  I just can’t seem to find anybody that I connect with.  I just wish there were someone out there who I could talk to, and could maybe help me feel better about things.

I don’t feel very interested in anything.  We recently went on a great vacation to a warm locale, and we got there and the whole trip was really disappointing to me.  I thought, finally I’ll be away from work and have fun.  But instead, I got into a huge fight with my husband, and the whole time I felt like I still wasn’t any happier than when we were at home.  Plus we spent a lot of money and it was difficult to get there, so I felt guilty that I wasn’t having more fun.

I am the living example of “money can’t buy you happiness.”  For my age, I have a lot of money, lots of relative success, and look at how well I’m doing – I’m on the brink of jumping off my apartment’s balcony, at age 28.

Thanks for listening and giving me the opportunity to post this story.  I would appreciate if you are a religious person if you could keep me and other people like me in your prayers.

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