My Story…

The first time I had suicidal thoughts was when I was 8 years old.  At the same time I lost all faith in God that I may have had.  I knew something was wrong, but being so young I didn’t know exactly what it was.  In those days child abuse wasn’t talked about and I never said anything.  It was my brother that protected me and kept me safe.  I hung in there.  3 years later:  my parents “Legally” disowned my brother and sent him to a foster home.  My whole world was shattered.  I had a mental breakdown, or my bi-polar disorder kicked into high gear…   11 years old and I could not see any future for me.  My parents divorced a year later (for the second time) and I felt truly alone.  My parents are narcissists and only care about themselves.  They never took their children’s feelings into consideration, everything was about them.  At that point in my life I made the decision that if nobody cared about me, I don’t care about me either.  All my actions from that point on was to the extremes, (highs and lows).  I never thought I would live to the age of  21. I lived every day to the extreme.  Imagine my surprise when I turned 21 and I was still on this earth.  I didn’t know what to do.  So I hitched hiked cross the country and ended up in the Florida Keys.  I found a place where there are good people and a great community and have lived here ever since.  I am 42 now and have discovered that all the traumatic crap I went through was just that “CRAP”.  This is a fact I can’t change.  8 years ago I was diangosed with cancer and told that had about a month to live.  I couldn’t believe I went on a big time manic phase.  I found out that I am a survivor not someone who wants their life to end.  I went though all the treatments and have had serious side effects from those treatments.  One of those side effects was the push over the edge mentally.  I have survived so much all alone and being alone is my greatest fear.  A fear that I knew that I was destine for when I was 11.  It has taken years of blaming myself for everything, always putting myself down, being an underacheiver.  I am now on the right kind of medications and I have been able to forgive myself.  I now know it was never my fault.  I didn’t deserve the beatings and all the mental abuse.  Everything has come clear and I am to old to start over.  Oh dear…  I haven’t had any contact with my family (other than my brother, whom I found when I was 18) in over 2 years and it is problaly the best thing I have done in my life.  I beat my parents, my upbring, my self destruction, two suicide attempts, cancer, and life in general ALL ON MY OWN.  I have never had any help, that goes to say that I am alone and not hopeful for any fulfilling relationship.  But I am strong and in control of my life now.  With that, there is hope…