I can’t remember the las time I hadn’t cried myself to sleep. I feel pain, a painful deep stab in my heart. I don’t understand why. I wish we had suicide help lines here. I even tried calling one of the help lines at the US, but they hung up when I said I wasn’t from there. I really don’t know what to do. The only thing stopping me from doing anything is my family. My family is very important to me, I love them very much. They haven’t done anything to deserve the pain that would result from me killing myself. I’m a disappointment as is, why make it worse for them?  I come from a place where suicide is severely looked down upon. I don’t even think that the # of suicides here is that high. It is basically against our religion and social values. Anyone who does goes through with it is immediately remembered with being a shame to the family. I don’t want to cause my family shame. . .  I know that theres something wrong, I wish i I could fix it. I even tried to schedule an appointment with several psychologists but never went through with it. I tried to use a false name ( since doctor-patient confidentially doesn’t exist here, I’m scared) but they always asked for an ID. I’ve been through a lot. Problems with my family and friends especially. I really don’t have much friends anymore, I always end up losing them. Middle & high school both  sucked for me, I hated it so much. It was the reason why I skipped so many school days. I didn’t have a clique, I just floated around with several of the groups. I had friends, but I wasn’t close with any one person. People disliked me, and I hated that. When I got close to someone, it was temporary. I ended up losing them eventually. I had a boyfriend, my first real boyfriend. I loved him so much, even though we weren’t right for each other. He left me for someone else. He didn’t even treat me well and I knew that but it still hurt! I still sulk about it, and say his name in my head *everyday* when I first wake up. (It’s been 2 years). I’ve upset my family a lot when I was younger. “He” hit me for doing what I did and I still remember every detail. (It’s been ages, I don’t want to put an exact year, because I don’t want to count how long it’s been. I DONT want to remember my past. Today? I’ve come so far. In a good university, with lots of friends. To the common eye I look like the perfect girl. I laugh and have fun. But in reality? I’m depressed. There’s a constant feeling of being lost, having no purpose, and sadness in my life. I don’t go out, and avoid friends who urge me to go out! I stay home and sulk. I think of ways to kill myself, and lean towards the less painful of the lot. I’m scared of closed doors, because I can still remember him walking into the room suddenly to hit me because of what I did. I’m scared of the dark now too. I wish I could change who I was. Where I’m from. What I did. What I’m doing. I just hate me. I hate the way I sound, look, and act. I wish I could just take y life and end all of the misery. I wish I could fix me :(.
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I too am from a damn country where you can’t freely express your feelings and if you do so people judge about you you’ll be looked upon very badly. I understand your feeling and maybe know what you might be going through. I believe that you know to a large extent what’s wrong with you but maybe because you don’t have the courage to face the reality of yourself you’ve suppressed it and now the problems exist in your unconscious mind and make you suffer. you can share your pains here and I know there are some wise guys here who can give you good advice otherwise, if you like you can drop me a line and speak as openly as you like, I probably won’t be able to do anything but at least you’ve shared your pain with someone and maybe this can reduce your sorrows to some extent.
arian_boy_1980@yahoo.com
I too am from a damn country where you can’t freely express your feelings and if you do so people judge about you and you’ll be looked upon very badly. I understand your feeling and maybe know what you might be going through. I believe that you know to a large extent what’s wrong with you but maybe because you don’t have the courage to face the reality of yourself you’ve suppressed it and now the problems exist in your unconscious mind and make you suffer. you can share your pains here and I know there are some wise guys here who can give you good advice otherwise, if you like you can drop me a line and speak as openly as you like, I probably won’t be able to do anything but at least you’ve shared your pain with someone and maybe this can reduce your sorrows to some extent.
arian_boy_1980@yahoo.com
sbm. i know this is going to sound silly, but suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. i know this because i already tried to kill myself, and im glad i survived, even though im still not happy.
Gonna have to disagree with you a little bit on that one. There is nothing temporary about decades of horrible suffering. If you are young and just dealing with something overwhelming that can heal over time then I’ll give you your point. If you have suffered a long time with something you can’t stand and there is no possible way to fix it, then there is nothing wrong with seeking a way out. I tried to kill myself many times and I lived too. I still have every problem I had before and I am Not glad I lived. I don’t have any idea what purpose I serve here but I am doing the best I can. Please don’t say my suffering is temporary, it’s been going on since I was a child. Technically, everything is temporary, even the Universe itself, but that doesn’t help me feel better about my future. thanks. 🙂
I just made my first post and have been reading other posts. You totally sound like the girl version of me. So I’m saying I can relate to you. I even had a girlfriend I adored even though she was a terrible girlfriend and I still miss her.
Why are we so silly.
Silent cries, I am new to this but could so totally relate to what you said about not remembering a time where you did not cry yourself to sleep. Not only did I cry myself to sleep each night but I would beg and pray to God that I not wake up to see another day. This was after I lost my 18 year-old son to suicide, in 1995. In my mind, my son shot the wrong person. As you can see, God never did answer my prayers, (which sometimes still pisses me off)! I’m not going to preach at you or offer words of wisdom…I just wanted to wish you well and hope you can work through your misery. People will say to me “I could have never made it through such a thing”. My answer is “I haven’t made it, it is still one day at a time!” Believe me, there were some close calls…3 or 4 trips to the ER that happened to fall on the anniversary of Jason’s death, or his birthday. (And stupid me, believing what the PDR about how much would be a fatal dose.) There is a good reason that it’s been over 10 years, since my last attempt….I have a 10 year old son that needs me. I hope things turn around for you…I really do.