This is my story

May 3rd, 2010by Lock and Key

Suicide is all I feel in me. I attempted to kill myself ever since I was seven. I felt like ever since my dad died before I even went to kinder my life was nothing, and that’s coming from a five year old.
I’ve been ignored by my mom and younger brother and when they do pay attention it’s just so they can see my reaction after they put me down, but to them I’m the one in the wrong.
When I was seven my mom would beat me and my brother, I would sit in the corner and hide my tears and try to choke myself.
Ever since I was eight I was a target. Girls would come up to me and say how ugly I was. Now I know they were wrong because I know better, they were only jealous, but I wish I knew it back then. But it wasn’t only them picking on me, I was snubbed by girls, beat up by guys, and abused by my mom’s boyfriends (which she thought was funny, and only a game.) I would sit on my bed with my door locked crying wishing I was back home with my dad’s family. But that was only what I did because of being bullied. My mom would walk in the room and make fun of me and beat me screaming “do you want to cry, do you want to cry?!” after she beat me down I would hide in a corner both hands on my neck trying to crush my wind pipe, but my hands were too small… and that was before I knew what suicide was.
I kept the silence until I was fifteen, because when I told people about my problems they would think it was all a lie because my mom was so nice. I wish that were true and not the fact that she was just two faced.
I finally told two people about my problems, I was already done with trying to crush my wind pipe, instead I would scratch my arm with sizors. When I told my best friend she actually understood me and told me that she was suicidal too. I felt relieved someone believed me, but hearing that my bestfriend was in the deep end more than me made me fall into depression more. I was never treated for depression my mom says it’s “all in my head.” Well no duhhh.
Moving on, since I was never treated for depression I had o way of controling it, that’s when the second person comes in he was my other bestfriend who eventually turned into my boyfriend. I felt very attached to him and I thought he felt the same way too, until he dumped me, and never really explained why. After he told me how he couldnt live without me and that he would never ever leave me and that he swore on his life. I told him everything and he never looked like he was freaked out or anything eventually he told me he was going through the same thing. But less hard core.
When he broke up with me I switched from sizors to a razor. I would cut myself everyday. And lucky me it was winter so I could hide my arm. Until he started dating this girl. She hated my gutts because he still cared about me, and I guess he told her or she found out some how (I bet he told her) she went on myspace and typed “CONTINUE CUTTING YOURSELF OBVIOUSLY NO ONE CARES! LOL” all over her status.
My bestfriend saw it and told her to shut up that she knew who she was talking about. The ***** just laughed. I called my ex all pissed off telling him to check his ***** of a girl friends myspace and to tell her that I’m done.
When he saw her myspace they were over (in his words.) Her friend told her that he said they were going to get back together. So she lets him sleep with her in the back of his truck. I was pissed and felt betrayed. “She wanted me to cut myself!!!” Thing ended for them eventually. But as for me Hher two bestfriends ganged up on me, guess where on MY MYSPACE STATUS calling me a “posser” and saying that I’m a “waist of oxygen.” I almost believed there words I wanted to crawl into a corner and cry and just kill myself.
My ex stoped being friends with them for a while and punched a wall because of how mad he was, but he just recently started talking to them. I feel so ignored and betrayed it’s likehe doesn’t even care anymore. I want to cut myself but my mom found out and if I do it again it’s off to rehab because I’m “insane” so she says or her words “mental”.
When will it ever end?
When will people stop telling me how stupid I am being?
I’m tired of hearing the question “why would you do that to yourself?”
I can’t stand how people say it’s not worth it.
It’s like the world is against me exept for my bestfriend, but what can she do? If she is having a harder time.
Sometimes I feel so stupid for complaining so much when other people have it worse than me…. so that’s my story… I’m a recovering cutter, I still have the strong need to cut, and that need wil never go away… I’m always going to be hanging by a thread. And I know people have it worse.

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