Tomorrow is my birthday.. my 31st birthday. 31 was my fathers last year in this world. On August 1st 1985 when I was just 6 yrs old , my dad took a gun to his head. He didn’t care about me, he didn’t care about anything I guess except himself. And now here I am way too many years later and this man still has so much power over me. A man I barely knew. A man that if you ask many people they will tell you was a horrible man, not even worth the dozens and dozens of tears I cried over him. A man that I have stayed up night after night wondering why my daddy didn’t love me enough. Because now, as an adult, a majorly messed up one, with a pile or issues of my own.. and a million and one reasons to take a gun and probably end my own life. I have a son. A little boy who I can NOT do to him what my dad did to me. And every day I hate life more and more. I hate having to be here I hate that I have to be the strong one, I hate that I have to survive to be to my son what my ‘father’ couldn’t be for me. And so tomorrow I will turn 31 and in a few months… I will out live my father.. and that scares me for some reason. Because , well I guess, because before my son was born.. that was never the plan……….
3 comments
Im so proud of you. You are being unselfish for your child. You are the bigger person this time around. good job!
As a someone whose father also committed suicide when i was only 8 years old. Your son has an amazing father and he is very lucky to have you!
my prayer for you