feeling disconnected

I dislike the idea that I’m so cut off from the people around me that I seek solace in the company of strangers, but at the end of the day I guess this is merely another means of protecting myself. But here is where the problem lies, for a long time I’ve felt complete inability to trust, not that this means I don’t let people know my problems and difficulties, but it’s easier to appear trusting for me than to actually trust, the best way I find for someone to not really know me is to be honest. It sounds strange, but the truth is such a rare thing I have found it alienates people, and me form them.

I don’t like that I am this way, I would like to be different.

I was abused when I was young, and have had a troubled family life (for separate reasons) and then end result is that I find more and more that I can’t connect, I’m in a lot of ways confined to hollow relationships, out of pragmatic convenience, but when I find someone I could potentially care about I feel so utterly terrified. I push them so far that they could never stand me, I am self destructive, nothing anyone says to me proves that they won’t abandon me in my mind.

in the end almost all the people that I’ve truly loved (both romantic and non-romantic) have left. I don’t want to push them away, but the impulses created by my insecurities are often far too compelling for me to ignore, I don’t feel strong enough.

Recently a relationship ended with a woman that I genuinely cared for, it wasn’t a long relationship, and I have no real worries about meeting new people. I was in no manner destructive or passive aggressive this time, I honestly wanted to be different. It desolved into a friendship and for the most part I was ok with that, she hadn’t abandoned me, I was even happy.

But that didn’t last, and this is what has me so deep in depression. Without going into too much detail, she ceased all contact with me recently, I would understand this usually, but I honestly have no idea what is happening. We had seen each other once before this and it was on quite amicable terms. Anyway the details are of little relevance.

What is however is that I was left not in terms of me being a horrid person, but rather I have been abandoned for reasons beyond my explanation. I feel sick, unhinged every time I think of her, I try not to and to get on with things, but I’ve found myself reverting back to my previous tendencies.  I guess I feel like I could not be loved regardless of how hard I fight to put the past behind me.

I honestly wanted to change, I was desperate to, and now I feel like I never will, and my existence is void because of it. I can’t connect, I have never had a friend or lover for longer than 2 years, and that is rare.

I’ve never felt so alone as I do now, and people crowd around me, I resent them, as I know most of them will be gone soon.

I’ve tried to commit suicide several times. I don’t particularly want to die, but I’ve never wanted to live, I’m just apathetic either way, but now I’m finding it impossible to cope, with being the person I have become.

I guess this is a desperate cry for help, but I have no idea what good it will do.