June 8th, 2010by bottmint

I feel like I’m this huge drain on every single person around me. People say that they love me. I appear to accept these words, yet in my mind, I sit there and say “yeah right. Who could love someone like me?” I’ve contemplated suicide before, but I always chicken out of it. I always will. I disgust myself. I’ve spent time in a psychiatric facility for suicidal thoughts. All I do is sit around. I devour resources that aren’t available, thereby putting those around me in a deeper state of debt. When there’s a problem with those I care about, all I ever manage to do is utter a weak and pathetic ” I’m sorry”. Nothing I do seems to bear any fruit. It seems like there is nothing I can do right. It seems like the world itself is bent upon keeping me from the one thing that keeps everything else at bay. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel like if I died in my sleep tonight, no one and no thing would miss me. I sit here and fake happy for the sake of those around me. I can never seem to nail down the source of these feelings beyond being kept away from my “one thing”. I feel like a waste of space. The most I’m good for is nothing. I feel like my “one thing” doesn’t need me. All I do is talk big. People praise me for “intelligence”. I feel they’re so utterly wrong. I’ve tried to explain to people. I know some cheap parlor tricks. Nothing more. They all say things wouldn’t be the same without me. I think they’re right. I think things would be much better. Sorry I wasted your time with these characters across your screen.

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