I feel like I’m this huge drain on every single person around me. People say that they love me. I appear to accept these words, yet in my mind, I sit there and say “yeah right. Who could love someone like me?” I’ve contemplated suicide before, but I always chicken out of it. I always will. I disgust myself. I’ve spent time in a psychiatric facility for suicidal thoughts. All I do is sit around. I devour resources that aren’t available, thereby putting those around me in a deeper state of debt. When there’s a problem with those I care about, all I ever manage to do is utter a weak and pathetic ” I’m sorry”. Nothing I do seems to bear any fruit. It seems like there is nothing I can do right. It seems like the world itself is bent upon keeping me from the one thing that keeps everything else at bay. I feel useless and pathetic. I feel like if I died in my sleep tonight, no one and no thing would miss me. I sit here and fake happy for the sake of those around me. I can never seem to nail down the source of these feelings beyond being kept away from my “one thing”. I feel like a waste of space. The most I’m good for is nothing. I feel like my “one thing” doesn’t need me. All I do is talk big. People praise me for “intelligence”. I feel they’re so utterly wrong. I’ve tried to explain to people. I know some cheap parlor tricks. Nothing more. They all say things wouldn’t be the same without me. I think they’re right. I think things would be much better. Sorry I wasted your time with these characters across your screen.
2 comments
Reading this, I felt like every single word. You really aren’t alone and I’m so happy I’m not either. I’m here if you need to talk.
you can still make choices to help yourself. It sounds like you are being your own limitation. You feel pathetic and useless, but everyone else says you’re intelligent and loved. I’m pretty sure that everyone around you can’t ALL be wrong…which must mean that you are indeed intelligent and loved. Try doing something for yourself. If you don’t try to make something of yourself, how do you know that you can’t?