I have a family. My parents are still married, and no one has died. No one is on drugs… (or at least I’m pretty sure that no one is…). But I hate it.
We say we love each other, but do we? I’m thinking it depends on what we’re thinking love is. If love is putting someone down, then saying, “Just kidding, I love you,” and laughing about the hurt look on your face, then maybe we do.
Or maybe we are just ignoring how we feel. Both ourselves and our family.
Personally, I don’t know, and I don’t really care, which actually scares me. Not caring about anything, including living.
Truthfully, I think that I would kill myself just to see how it felt. I don’t even know why. I’m depressed, but I can’t find a reason. I hate myself, but I can’t find a reason. I feel like hurting myself, and others, but I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, that I’m feeling this way.
How am I feeling, exactly?
I think I’m lost.
Both mentally and physically.
And no one is even trying to help me. All they say is that I want attention, or that I just need some medication.
I need… I want… at least a little… to know that someone cares for me.
I have friends, but for some reason, I feel that I can’t tell them about me.
I am insecure about myself, and feel like I will be abandoned at any time, and don’t like making friends, but there are certain people who just latch onto a place in my heart, and I can’t make myself let go. I’m sure that they–all of them–only think of me as a distant friend at most. I feel bad calling them my friends, because I feel it’s only one sided.
I feel like a terrible person for always clinging to them, for always bringing them down.
So what am I to anyone, really?
I always thought I was a burden, and never have bothered asking the question to any one of my friends because I am afraid of the answer.
I truly want to ask them, “Am I a burden to be around?”… but I’m too scared. Every time I try, I stop, and just continue with our conversation, putting on a smile.
Actually, I hate smiling. I look stupid when I smile. In fact, I look stupid all the time. I’m shocked that anyone can stand being around me, or even looking at me.
And here I am, rambling, maybe hoping someone I know will stumble across this, and I won’t have to ask. But that’s pathetic. As am I.