I have a family. My parents are still married, and no one has died. No one is on drugs… (or at least I’m pretty sure that no one is…). But I hate it.
We say we love each other, but do we? I’m thinking it depends on what we’re thinking love is. If love is putting someone down, then saying, “Just kidding, I love you,” and laughing about the hurt look on your face, then maybe we do.
Or maybe we are just ignoring how we feel. Both ourselves and our family.
Personally, I don’t know, and I don’t really care, which actually scares me. Not caring about anything, including living.
Truthfully, I think that I would kill myself just to see how it felt. I don’t even know why. I’m depressed, but I can’t find a reason. I hate myself, but I can’t find a reason. I feel like hurting myself, and others, but I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, that I’m feeling this way.
How am I feeling, exactly?
I think I’m lost.
Both mentally and physically.
And no one is even trying to help me. All they say is that I want attention, or that I just need some medication.
They’re wrong.
I need… I want… at least a little… to know that someone cares for me.
I have friends, but for some reason, I feel that I can’t tell them about me.
I am insecure about myself, and feel like I will be abandoned at any time, and don’t like making friends, but there are certain people who just latch onto a place in my heart, and I can’t make myself let go. I’m sure that they–all of them–only think of me as a distant friend at most. I feel bad calling them my friends, because I feel it’s only one sided.
I feel like a terrible person for always clinging to them, for always bringing them down.
So what am I to anyone, really?
I always thought I was a burden, and never have bothered asking the question to any one of my friends because I am afraid of the answer.
I truly want to ask them, “Am I a burden to be around?”… but I’m too scared. Every time I try, I stop, and just continue with our conversation, putting on a smile.
Actually, I hate smiling. I look stupid when I smile. In fact, I look stupid all the time. I’m shocked that anyone can stand being around me, or even looking at me.
And here I am, rambling, maybe hoping someone I know will stumble across this, and I won’t have to ask. But that’s pathetic. As am I.
Right?
5 comments
wrong!!
if you want to be loved, first you need to love yourself. I’m suffering from the same problem and know what it feels like but I’m working on it. you need to work on your skills. If you are strong, then the weak will love you coz they can lean on you, if you are wise, the ignorant will respect you coz they can learn from you and…you should have sth to offer.
By the way I think I’d seen this post before and had told you the same thing before!! sorry if you had to see it again!
Thanks.
It’s just hard for me to trust myself enough to try.
(Well, I haven’t posted this before, so maybe it was someone else…)
well if you wanna talk call me at 7703599666
legend-ary23@hotmail.com e-mail me if u evr wanna talk or just vent
I can totally understand your situation. I feel the same way about my family most of the time and to be honest, I felt like ending my life several times either.
I don’t know why I haven’t tried to kill myself for real, cause I have dreamed about it more than a hundred times. To be honest I think I am scared about dying. But not about the act itself, I think I am scared about my family and friends and how they will have to deal with it.
Although I feel the same way about my family and friends like you do (or maybe not exactly the same, because we don’t know each other) I have some feelings – I can’t descibe them.
The feeling that I have to go on, that I have to live my life. I think my biggest problem is, that I am not aware of my real feelings, or I am too scared to face them. But that’s what “I” have to do… and maybe you too…