Just yesterday I broke down and almost ended up hurting my sister in the process. She was being her usual mean self absorbed self and didn’t notice that I was on edge. So she decided to pick a fight with me. Verbal. Almost never phisical anymore. I have been doing karate to help with the helpless andger and frustration o not being able to kill myself and I Noe am able to relly hurt someone. I guess martial arts was a ba idea. Even though I skip so many classes.
My sister continued to pick on me and enfuriate me until I just lost it. I punched her over and over until I realized what I was doing. I was crying and screaming and cursing when my dad walked in and immediately asked me what the he’ll I was doing. I tried to explain that it was my sisters fault but I didn’t need to. He already guessed what had happened so I just locked myself into my room and reopened as many scars and cuts as I could before passing out. My mom and dad know but my sister doesn’t. It will only give her another thing to use against me.
I need help. I know it. But um not sure if I really want it. Why am I so conflicted? I’m glad I finally
got to hit my sister and get back at her but I’m sorry that I did it? Why do I still care for her after what she’s done to me?
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your story touched me and i like to tell you that the “love” for your sister is something you cant escape. it will always be there…i don’t have brothers or sisters but i have hurt about something like your story but it always ends the same…that someone cant relay hurt his\her sister of brother that easy…at least not if you stile care for her living…i know she is hard on you and she is wrong with that…but i want to compliment you that it wasn’t worse what happened…i was one edge when i was on a manege taking pictures and a stupid girl was irritating me and didn’t stop and after some time i cud not take it anymore….i almost kild her by keeping her from breathing…and that was in a bar at the manege…a full bar…everyone was looking but didn’t do anything…when i realised what was happening i let go and she started to scream and al that stuff…and i had the problems…because her mother was there 2…i sad I’m sorry but she was irritating me the whole day…but luckily for me it stead by that…but it is like the same with you is guess…i field sorry for her and that after what she did…
You say there is no escape from my love for my sis but I still can feel it slipping steadily. She knows just how to push me but is too dense to realize that my scars aren’t from me being clumbsy. She still can see why my carpet went from white to pink to a polka dotted red in a mater of months. I hate her more than I love her but somtimes she’s all I have left and that just makes things worse. Itscares me to know that she has ANY power over me. Especially when I have NO power over me. I’m starting to wish I was insain so that I could explain why I agree with her insults and jokes towards me. I hate myself more than I hate her. But I don’t know why!!! I’m so confused. I can’t concentrate much anymore. It’s agony. I have too many fucking problems and she only makes them worse. Why can’t I make myself get help????
maybe instead of karate you could start running.
i dont like my sister either (but no where near as much as you dont like her)
if you think getting help would help then maybe you should do that. i know that sounds wrong but everything is your choice. (i sound sort of like yoda) tell your parents what’s going on. it sounds like to me that they have a general idea of what’s going on but if you actually tell them how you feel then it can help clear up a lot of the “foggy water” between you.
as long as you dont give yourself any lasting damage then i actually encourage cuttiing. it’s a way to help you feel like you’re helping yourself get better (sorta). anything that helps right?
well this was my (attempt at trying to) help to you.
<3 twiggy
why does she do this to you? Is she older or younger?
If she’s younger maybe she wants more attention and your getting it more cause if your parents know your cutting yourself then they must be trying to help right, I’m not saying that in a bad way btw.
If she’s older then maybe she’s just a complete ***** or she has a lot of her own problems and maybe your her ‘cuts’ or in other words her way of dealing with her emotions (get what I mean?), do yous talk and get along though?
…sorry If I’m no help
What’s stopping you from seeking real help? (in reply to your comment)
@mychoice
I don’t know why she does this. I never have. She just somhow gets enjoyment out of my pain. She’s older and from wht I’ve seen she’s perfect yet lazey and doesn’t even try hard. She’s a great athelete strait A student and perfect family person. But she doesn’t even try. While I’m over here struggling just to keep breathing.
My parent know but aren’t doing much to help. They’ve loosened up a little and hve givven me a little more space but not much has changed. They just told me to stop cutting so I just hid it better. Now I just cut my hips and somtimes my legs if I already have an existing cut there from an accident. Yet havnt asked about it. Only once.
And it’s me who’s stopping me from getting help. I’m afraid of telling the whole truth. Of actually shedding my facade and showing who I really am. Even my parents don’t know about my suicidalness yet or about any attempts I’ve made. I’m not sure if I can open up that easily. This site is different but not any less hard. Every post I make is posted with a pang of fear and nervounes. I can’t explain it. The idea of help is appealing and yet frightning and confusing. Everythings confusing.
@twiggy
thank you for your opinion. My parents know about the cutting but not about the suicide issues. And sometimes I do create some damage that will leave me with a limp for a while. My cutting isn’t just to make myself better. It’s also to make myself worse. A form of self punishment.
I know what you mean about the nervousness of posting, I even get embarrassed at some of my comments, pathetic.
Why self punishment? I’m still not entirely sure about your story.
I don’t know what to say about your sister, what the fucks her problem?!?!
sorry for this lame comment.
(3rd paragraph: that was out of frustration)
@mychoice
Truthfully I don’t know what to say about my story or how to explain it to others. Which is probably why I’m always feeling like I’m about to explode if I don’t let somthing out. I’m horrible at explaining things so whenever I really try to exlain everything, it leaves people frustrated because one of my problems is I turn the stupidest things into huge issues that I just can’t handle. I’ll try to explain but please excuse me if it sounds like I’m whining or being melodramatic.
Okay soo……
Whenever Im just trying to stay calm and relax with nothing on my mind or even when I’m sleeping I’ll have random flashbacks of a knife or my grandpa or my grandpa holding the knife. Then about a year ago I was told that when I was little my grandpa always held a knife hidden under a pillow on his lap. I asked my mom if he ever used it because in some of those “flashbacks” I feel intense fear or he is glarin at me with the knife at ready. She told me she didn’t know but once she had found me hiding in a closed crying hysterically with marks on my neck that looked like I had been choked but I told her that I had hit my neck on somthing when I was running so she just calmed me down. But that was the only time. He had alzhiemers so even if he did anything I don’t blame him. I was the youngest and naturally the first to be forgotten. I don’t think he even did it. He was too nice. But the “flashbacks” still manage to fuck up an day. My grandpa died in 2006.
I’ve always hated myself. From when I was little til god knows when. I’m always disbaragin myself and everything I say think or do. I’m
one day I would curse at myself and call myself so many names and insults that I have nothing left to fight my sister with even if I would loose anyway. I’m jut that pathetic.
Did you read my post called cancer riddled friends? That pretty much explains itself. A few days ago my half brothers mom died of cancer. She was the sweetest woman.
Thhere are a lot o other things tht I can go on and on about including the last two times my sister made me go crazy and hurt her but then I would be rambling. But I’ll just end it with my trust problem.
I can’t gorse myself to trust anyone. I
constantly loosing fronds becase I won’t talk to them truthfully and the only side of me they know if the facade I wear all day. The only person I trusted ended up also having cutting problems and going to a therapist. Now she is threatening to tell her therapist about me if I don’t either stop or be entirely truthful with her. I’m not sure what to do.
Right now I’m wondering abou three things. 1) if I should really post this because to me. It sounds like a load of shit 2) coul I play thi song on piano? And 3) don’t cut don’t cut don’t cut don’t cut…ect……
I must be crazy.
Your comment wasn’t dramatized or anything like that. My story or ‘reason’ is actually a load of shit compared everyone else’s here, then I remind myself “I’m not living that person’s life, I’m living MY life” then I feel like a horrible person, even though I’m not.
I’m sorry to hear about your Grandpa, your half brother’s Mum, and your friend. Truthfully.
I read your other post, and I’m really sorry but I have no idea what to say.
The friend you said who started seeing a therapist, and now she’s threatening to tell on you unless you stop… I don’t get that, I mean, she should be the most understanding of you if she was cutting and would know having help shoved down your throat wouldn’t help unless you choose it to. You can brainwash someone but then there not the same person… going off topic, sorry.
I know this sounds really ridiculous but do you have a dreamcatcher? I just don’t know what to say about your dreams and flashbacks, I understand, how could you not have those… what do you do before you start trying to fall asleep? I sometimes read but I rarely have (ok… ‘remember’) my dreams, funny the day I read your post about your dreams, that night I had a nightmare, the first in 2 years.
I know this comment isn’t really helpful, but no-matter how small or big a problem in anyone’s life in the end it’s all on the person who holds them. You, me and everyone will only truly understand one person in their lifetime. Themselves. (I feel like a dramatic idiot).
In other words your comment, YOUR life, is not a load of shit.
If you don’t think it rude I me to ask, what is your story/reason? And please don’t be sorry. It’s a waste of emotion. I do own a dreamcatcher but it doesn’t do much. Tonight (right now) I’m thinking about the movie I was just watching. It’s called outbreak. It’s about a deadly virus that can kill you in about a day or even less. An hour from the end of the movie I started shaking so I turned it off and went to my room. Now I’m feeling horrible and I can tell this is going to be a bad night. I’m afraid to go to sleep. If I even go to sleep.
I’m
sorry if my post triggered a nightmare. What was it anyway? Mine are always to detaialed or confusing and they haunt me. Like last night dream. It was the shooting dream all over again. Where I get repeatedly shot. Maybe tonights will be like somthing out of the book yellow fever 1771 or whAtever it’s called.
Why do I keep getting off topic?!?!?!?!?!!!
And you are not a dramatic idiot but in my eyes, my life and myself will always be shit. Less than shit actually.
I have a feeling that I’m goi g to have another night where I scratch myself till I bleed. I’m already starting to scratch subcontiously. I’m trying not to. π
ugh!
I always hated the idea of waking to do some shit you don’t want to for the rest of your life: school, work. It’s hard to explain.
This is my opinion of ‘life’: we get chucked into the world and told Γ’β¬Εhave fun for a couple of years, go to kindergarten, go to school for 12 YEARS, get a job, do that for 50 YEARS and when your bodies broken you can retire and relax while we take the rest of your money and let you die” plus a million problems throughout that time.
I know that doesn’t really make sense, like I said it’s hard to explain. I don’t know if you read this post (it’s not mine) but you’ll get a better idea of what I mean: http://suicideproject.org/2010/06/invisible-threads/
That’s my personnel reason but here’s the reality of my life, no friends, no motivation and I’m at home all day everyday http://suicideproject.org/2010/06/take-a-stroll-through-my-mind/
After reading through that I’ve come to the conclusion I’m an ungrateful piece of shit. Great.
…My nightmare: My 2 dogs who are always calm attacked me and where biting me as crazy as a pit bull terrier would, this happened in my laundry which is pretty small, the pain felt so real and I could feel the stickiness of my blood all over me, I couldn’t get them to stop I felt so weak, I ended up stabbing and killing the dogs with a metal pole I found and the last thing I remembered before waking up was looking down at the littlest dog whose coat is white was drench in red blood.
I remember when I watched Paranormal Activity I turned nocturnal for 3 nights. Maybe leave some calming music on, hopefully it’ll help, it’s what I do when I really can’t fall asleep even though I feel like I’m about to pass out.
I don’t have real good advice and I know this sounds stupid but maybe cut your nails or wear gloves.
I wish you good dreams.
I don’t know if the comment will show up by the time you read it but it says it’s awaiting moderation.
Moderation?
Okay I just approve it. I’m sorry about the nightmare an sadly I didn’t have good dreams. I just woke up trying not to scream, shaking in pain, and with a bleeding thigh. My hunch was right. I bite my nails a lot
but my mom wants me to grow them
out so my nails are never long but never gone.
I remember a time when I was little and I watched the movie the tick an the mummy in the same night with a friend. I didn’t sleep for over a month.
For some reason my body is just revolting today. Both y ancles are hurting from past injuries that I never let heal, my knee Hurts a lot, and it feels like someones stabbing my stomach. I took two advils before and then another two. No difference. π
oon the up side. I didn’t swallow the whole bottle of advil along with the entire medicine cabinet. π
sweet dreams mychoice.
I don’t know what to say but I’m glad you didn’t try overdose. I feel worried about the people that disappear off the site without saying anything. I’m still not sure if I should say something when my day comes though.
Please do. I don’t like it when the people I’ve come to trust and love through this site just leave. It reminds me a lot of my cancer friend who was here one second laughing and gone the next. Two people I am really worried about are Violet and Charlotte because Charlotte has lymes and Violet has such a beautiful mind and a very sweet dying friend.
It scares me to know that I might never be able to talk to them again.
I’m still not sure to be glad or upset abou any of this. About being alive. Not overdosing. Not bleeding to death that night I had a fight with my sister.
It’s just a constant state of numbness an pain. With occasional interruptions from my “little voice” which isn’t too bad most of the time.
I really don’t want you to go. π
but I know you want to go.
So I will let you go.
And try not to hold on. π
how old are you anyway, mychoice?
Seventeen.
Oh. Your older than me. Though I did expect that from the way in which you spoke. How long have you been suicidal? I want to get to know you beter before your gone.
I’ve been thinking about suicide since June last year, I made my final decision in April this year. Then I found this site.
Similar case here. Except I’m sill so confused. I’m still not sure how or when to do it. But I did go suicidal early last year and started cutting the summer before at camp. But this site has stopped me so manny times or has givin me strength to continue. It’s almost too sa that I am starting to loose hope in what this site can do for me.
How come your losing hope?
Because nothing seems to help as much as it used to. My friends are pulling back, my parents have seemed to have all but forgotten about my scars (save for the occasional stare or metionin during an argument or talk) , I’ve never hated myself more than now, my friend let her bf feel her up and expects me to help her when I can’t even help myself, I still try to help everyone around me at my own cost, and a whole lot o other shit that is miniscule compared to some other peoples problems. I can no longer honestly tell myself that I deserve to live. That the person I see in the mirror doesn’t deserve every single one of those scars. Every word written in her skin. One o the only things keeping me now are the people i’m helping to support and even not they blare strtin to either no longer need me, or drop down and fail all together. I fear what my selfishness would do to them. But who am
I kidding? I’m already selfish enough as it is. Just a hypocrite who Charissa herself for her countless sins. I’m Loosing hope because there wasn’t really any hope there to begin with. Just a fragment of a shadow of what hope used to be.
I’m sorry, these last days for some reason I can’t think of what to say any more. I do care though, for everyone.
I know.
Been talking to much about me, how’s everything been with you lately?
Horrible. My friend tol her boyfriend about me. Now he’s giving me looks and avoiding me. And to a comment you made earlier. I’m a January baby too!
I could go on and on about what’s wrong in my life Now but that would be selfish. The same friend that told her boyfriend figured out that i’m thinking about seriously doing it and she told me that if I did it, so would she.
(this is also the same grind who got help and is trying to “help” me[she no longer is getting help])
Right now I feel alone and an intense sense o longing. For what I have no idea. I just want to close my eyes, forget my name, and say goodbye. To just die. I woild probably be cutting now if it weren’t for the fact that my dad is home today, my sis is in the other room, I can’t find scisors or a sharpener with a loose blade, and my mom keeps popping in.
I want to be alone. But I don’t.
That doesn’t make sense.
Does your friend’s boyfriend know about her? I feel kinda jealous of you, in a way I wish I had someone I know who’s suicidal. Maybe tell your friend about the site… actually, I already see the thoughts forming, you need a private place, this place. If someone close to me where to kill themselves then I’d use the pain for courage to end myself, not sure if that helps with that situation, how old are you both is she mature about everything or?
Do you really want EVERYTHING in your life, good and bad, to end? That’s the most frequent question I’ve been asking myself lately, I hope you make some sense out of it like I have. There are endless things we long for in life, most of them unattainable yet some as simple as falling asleep, but what holds us back is a few massive problems that will probably never leave… it’s hard to weigh something like that and make an appropriate decision to end it or not and not knowing what comes after.
Yesterday I was around a lot of family at a party, I’m one of those people that stands in one place rocking backwards, forwards, side to side looking around kind of frantically and not talking, screaming inside my head “get me the fuck out of here!!!!”. I know that feeling “I want to be alone. But I donΓ’β¬β’t.” I wish I new everyone here face to face, I’ll never come close to meeting other people similar to all of us in my life.
If you wanna talk to a bunch of randoms check this website out chatmachine.com some of the people on there are assholes but it’s funny cause I think of them as the people with no clue because they haven’t yet seen life as we do (I hate rhymes when I don’t mean them).
…this comment seems so ‘wtf?’, sorry I feel like I’ve lost all my resources.
Yes he knows. She told him. Then he guessed about me and she told him that he was right. None of th. People I talk to are really suiidal. Just cutters who have either stopped or are better off than me. One used to be but now she seems to almost compleatly have healed despite her moms issues. The one with the boyfriend slightly pisses me off. She has everything (except money). She’s almost perfect and yet she still gets depressed and cuts herself. But even when her mom found out it wasn’t earth shattering. He just got a therapist for a while an now doesn’t even have to see one anymore. Wtf?? I hate this town. I hate how my life is and the people in it. I hate me.
And your right. It’s hard to weigh the value of your life and whether you really should end it. I’m still not sure if I should. But I do want to.
Today at school(lunch time) I sat at the far end of the table and didn’t even try to pretend I was fine. I just couldn’t. This one girl who I want to tell but am not sure whether to trust kept glancing at me the whole day. I suspect and somwhat know that she’s been through a lot. She’s seen some of the things I’ve seen and has lived through a lot as well. She’s deep, I know it from he writin and poetry, but she never speaks or acts it. She’s always actin bitchy or funny or wild or anything. Only somtimes have I seen her fuked up.
I don’t know why I care. I just do.
By the way. I’m 13.
And I guess she handled it maturely enough. She freaked a little about the suicidal part though.
And don’t be jelous. This shit sucks.
MyChoice – I don’t know if that last post you left up there was a sign that you have decided (for now) not to kill yourself, but if I have indeed interpreted your post correctly, I just want to say that I am very relieved. You don’t know me, but I’ve been lurking on this site for the past week, and you seem like a really articulate, kind, and genuine person. Eventually, I believe that someone will see past whatever flaws you may have (social anxiety, etc.) and recognize your value. Don’t give up, man. I care about you. You are so much like me.